A Kicker Named Chris Blewitt and the All–Unfortunate Name Team

Pittsburgh has signed its kicker for the future, a promising 2013 product out of Alexandria, Va. (per the Washington Post). Recruiting news with relative importance isn’t necessarily big news, but this young man’s name certainly is.

Chris (pronounced: actually, if you don’t know how to pronounce “Chris,” kindly leave.)

Blewitt (pronounced: “Oh, no, oh my goodness, I can’t believe Chris just blew it.”)

He was a soccer player in high school and converted to kicking stranger objects because his friends were on the football team. After making 10 field goals and 49 extra points last season, he impressed the Pitt coaches in a workout, and they extended an offer to him.

Kudos to Chris for making an impression, and...the local Pennsylvania football writers are already licking their chops.

In all likelihood, Chris will be a fine player for the Panthers in 2013 and beyond, but just imagine the headlines if his 34-yarder to tie a game as time expires bounces off the post. Tom Rinaldi has already set up a permanent tent outside the stadium to give the full Kyle Brotzman treatment if it ever becomes necessary.

As for the unfortunate name, well, Chris isn’t the only one. Here is our All-Unfortunate Name Team. Well, they're not actually real, but we would feel bad for them if they were. 

Offense

Quarterback: Billy Armpunt

Running Back: Joseph McEasystrip

Fullback: Sam Tooheavy

Wide Receiver: Bricks Von Struggles

Wide Receiver 2: William Dropsit

Tight End: Fourate Forty

Left Tackle: Rip Rightthrough

Left Guard: Alex Noleverage

Center: Miles Falsestart

Right Guard: Slo Firstmove

Right Tackle: Dwight Problematicconditioning (he’s French)

Defense

Left Defensive End: Noah Acceleration

Left Defensive Tackle: Eli Lovesfood

Right defensive Tackle: Jason Needsasub

Right Defensive End: Ima Horridrunstopper

Weak-side Linebacker: Jerry Feetforhands

Middle Linebacker: Bruce Fallsbackward

Strong-side Linebacker: Will Notcovertightendswell (also French)

Left Cornerback: Justin Dropsit (brother of Will, were recruited together)

Right Cornerback: Heath Burnedbadly

Strong Safety: Sean Canttackle

Free Safety: Derek O’ Mygodhegotbeatbad

Special Teams

Punter: Karl Shankedit

Kicker: Wade Right