Michael Phelps Is a Hero, Alex Rodriguez Is a Villain

Gamecock Should Be Hung By His Grundle 

Legendary American swimmer Michael Phelps stated Wednesday to The Baltimore Sun that he can not commit to competing in the 2012 Olympic Games in London in wake of British tabloid photos that apparently capture “MP” blazing cannabis from a bong during a party last November at the University of South Carolina.

"This is a decision of mine that I'm not going to make it today and I'm not going to make tomorrow," said Phelps, who won a record-setting eight gold medals last summer at the Beijing Olympics.

The most decorated Olympic athlete ever continued, “It's going to require a lot of time and energy and a lot of thinking for myself—but also talking to [my coach Bob Bowman] and talking to my family and just deciding what I want to do."

Phelps, who was diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in his youth and qualified for the 2000 Summer Olympics at the age of 15, seemed genuinely contrite and saddened by his most recent public embarrassment.

"This was stupid, and I know this won't happen again," the former Michigan Wolverine assured. "It's obviously bad judgment, and it's something I'm not proud of at all.”

The 14-time career Olympic gold medalist continued, "I will say that with the mistakes that I've made in my life, I've learned from them. Every one of them. And I've become a better person. That's what I plan to do from here."

The Baltimore Bullet said he is particularly disappointed that he again let down his fans and his mother, Debbie, nearly five years after a drunken driving arrest in 2004.

"Seeing my mom reminded me of how it was the day after I got my DUI, and I swore to myself I'd never do that again," he told The Sun. "This is just a stupid thing of mine that I did, and I have to live with it."

Leon Lott, a South Carolina Sheriff who likely fantasizes at night about Detective Andy Sipowicz, had the audacity to declare that he will press charges against Phelps if he can prove the swimmer inhaled THC ala Jeff Spicoli in his jurisdiction.

Marijuana possession is considered a misdemeanor in Richland County and is punishable by up to 30 days in the pen.

Phelps, who had he been a country himself, would have ranked fourth overall in the gold medal count last summer in China, has not admitted that he got stoned in the “Palmetto State.”  However, he has also not denied the authenticity of the photo.

Like Bob Saget’s strung-out character in the movie Half Baked emphatically insisted, “Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. You ever sucked some dick for marijuana?”

One can easily predict that Phelps never assumed the Lewinsky position to get his paws on some greens, and it is a disgrace that some overzealous, redneck of a sheriff would even contemplate indicting the icon to fulfill his desire to become a quasi celebrity.

Reefer is virtually decriminalized in many sections of our country; it is not a debilitating drug, and it certainly does not enhance an athlete’s performance. In this era of nefarious cheaters in athletics, Phelps is a wonderful anomaly, and he should be embraced, not vilified, because of his iconic status.

In response to questions by the paparazzi if his feats were “too good to be true,” Phelps noted that he had signed up for Project Believe, a project by the United States Anti-Doping Agency in which U.S. Olympians can volunteer to be tested in excess of the standard World Anti-Doping Agency guidelines.

During the 2008 games, Phelps was tested nine times for performance-enhancing drugs and he passed all of them.

Phelps is not a disgrace. Sherriff Lott and the yellow coward who took the photo of Phelps and sold it are the disgraces of this non-story. Lott should immediately be placed on foot patrol for his attention-whoring and the camera-loving Gamecock should be hung by his grundle.

Michael Phelps is too upstanding and classy to distort the truth simply to save his own derriere.

But perhaps Phelps should take a cue from Tony Montana. As Scarface famously uttered, “I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.”

If you have to, Michael, say you were smoking tobacco. That’s what water pipes are intended to be sold for anyways.

Madonna's Bitch is A-Fraud

New York Yankees swollen statistics compiler and postseason disgrace Alex Rodriguez admitted Monday afternoon that he tested positive for performance enhancing drugs six years ago when he played for the Texas Rangers.

"When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I needed to perform and perform at a high level every day," quivered Rodriguez, 33, like the clown pocket he is to ESPN's Peter Gammons in an interview in Miami Beach, Fla.

"Back then, (baseball) was a different culture. It was very loose. I was young, I was stupid, and I was naïve. I wanted to prove to everyone I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. For that, I'm very sorry and deeply regretful."

Madonna's bitch publicly admitted he stuck needles in his ass 48 hours after Sports Illustrated reported last Saturday that the despicable philanderer was on a list of 104 players who tested positive for substances in 2003.

In 2003, there were no penalties for a positive result because Major League Baseball was simply conducting a survey to discover if mandatory, random drug testing was needed in the sport.

According to a source with knowledge of the three-time American League MVP's test results, "A-Fraud" was fingered for using testosterone and Primobolan, an anabolic steroid. For anyone not possessing a 24th chromosome, A-R*id cheating is not major news; it is the equivalent of learning that water is wet.

A-Postseason-Out, who has recorded less RBI (1) in the playoffs since game four of the ALCS than Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka has (2), was a skinny kid with a physique that resembled Paul Pfeiffer's when he made his rookie debut with the Seattle Mariner's in 1994.

Granted, the purple-lipped pariah was only an 18-year-old cheeky bastard when he started at shortstop in "Rain City" for the first time, and one's body can certainly be dramatically and naturally altered in a span of 15 years.

Nevertheless, it was still a foregone conclusion from my vantage that Rodriguez juiced prior to Saturday's official unmasking of the lying weasel.

Below is an excerpt from a column I wrote in Dec. of 2007, immediately after former U.S. Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell released his incomplete and dishonorable report into the usage of steroids in baseball:

"In lieu of A-Rod's conspicuous omission, I wonder if Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig didn't politely ask Mr. Mitchell to keep his paws off the heir apparent to his sports all-time home-run crown. Rodriguez, who has 518 round-trippers at 32 years of age, will likely surpass Barry Bonds, the face of steroids, and his 762 lifetime dingers somewhere in the vicinity of the year 2012. Selig needs a dirty Rodriguez as much as he needs a case of herpes and I am confident that he'll go to great lengths to keep A-Rod's drug results cleaner than Danny Tanner's kitchen floor."

It is imperative that the public realize Rodriguez's confession was a coerced, desperate public relations maneuver, and it was not the enlightening cleansing that the frost-tipped slugger claimed in his interview with Gammons.

If the native of Miami could have gotten away with scamming the game of baseball, he would have, and nary a confession would have emerged from the prince of deceptions's mouth.

The 12-time All-Star selection and all-time phony had an opportunity to disclose his sins in a 2007 interview with Katie Couric on 60 Minutes. Instead of telling Couric and the viewing audience the truth, he simply lied and said "No" when asked if he ever used steroids, HGH or any other PEDs.

A-Fraud continued, "I've never felt overmatched on the baseball field. I've always been in a very strong, dominant position."

Rodriguez was in a "strong, dominant position" because he is a con artist who happens to be one of the most talented players to ever step onto a baseball diamond.

But the true con artists in this scandal, more so than "the Cooler" or any of the other recently named muscle-bound sideshows in cleats, are the suits who put Director of the Red Sox George Mitchell in charge of a major drug investigation.  Mitchell is also to blame, as it is evident his allegiance to the Red Sox creates a clear conflict of interest.

Mitchell's petty "investigation" concentrated primarily on disclosures made by former New York Yankees strength coach, Brian McNamee, and New York Mets batboy and clubhouse worker of yesteryear, Kirk Radomski.

It was unethical, irresponsible and negligent for Mitchell to focus the bulk of his energy and resources on the avowals of two informants when the league has positive test results that document that drug use was (is?) rampant in baseball and not just a Big Apple epidemic.

Rodriguez would have been nabbed as a charlatan in excess of a year ago had Mitchell conducted an unbiased probe that didn't virtually start and end on 161st Street and River Avenue in the Bronx.

Coincidences are as believable as politicians, and it is pathetically comedic that Mitchell assumed the masses would accept that not one single player of note on the team he is employed by, the Boston Red Sox, was juicing when the majority of athletes in baseball took some concoction of performance-enhancing drugs during the steroid era.

America's pastime has been infested with syringes and synthetic testosterone since at least the early-90's.  Meanwhile, Mitchell, this feeble Waylon Smithers clone, orchestrated a purposeful and malevolent witch hunt against his team's fiercest rival.  It's easy to see the results were not diverse, both in the lack of teams covered and the small timeline, leaving the steroid epidemic anything but a closed case.

When a reporter questioned why Rodriguez lied to Couric during his interview, A-Hole whimpered, "At the time, I wasn't being truthful with myself. How could I be truthful with Katie Couric or CBS?"

If Mitchell had conducted a "truthful" investigation from the outset into the usage of steroids in the sport of baseball, Rodriguez would have been pried into honesty a long time ago.

Rodriguez's forced admission of guilt was postponed because both McNamee and Radomski were far away from the Lone Star State and Mitchell didn't bother exiting New York to administer a fair and thorough examination.