Inside Sean Avery's Head

Sean Avery was living the dream, but it turned into a nightmare.

He was in the NHL, playing for one of the Original Six teams.

He signed a big, fat, multi-year contract.

He dated movie stars, Playboy models, Sports Illustrated swimsuit models.

He was on television all the time. He was more famous than the big three hockey heroes of his era, and there was talk about a movie deal.

If you grow up in Pickering, Scarborough, Kitchener, Coal Harbour, or anywhere in Canada, watching Hockey Night on CBC TV, or anywhere in the northern hemisphere that has a hockey culture, which is the greatest part of the planet, then you know the dream.

You want to be a hockey hero.

And if you can't be a hero, like Gordie Howe, Bobby Orr, Wayne Gretzky, or Darryl Sittler, you want to be a villain, like Gordie Howe, Ted Lindsay, Eddie Shack, Eddie Shore, Bobby Clark, or Tiger Williams.

As well as being interviewed on Hockey Night In Canada after being selected the first of the three stars, you dream about scoring the winning goal of the series in overtime, and about getting a Gordie Howe hat trick—a goal, an assist, and a penalty for fighting, all in the same game.

What if you make it to the OHL, play Junior-A hockey in Canada—but when you get there, you discover the team is already loaded with people picked to be heroes in the NHL? Do you become a villain?

What if you do well in the OHL but get overlooked in the NHL Entry Draft?

Would you try out for the Stanley Cup champions and fight for a job?

If you were a rookie with the Detroit Red Wings when they were loaded with superstars from Canada and Russia, as well as one guy who had dual citizenship—Canadian and American—what role would you play?

What if it was Gordie Howe's old team?

What if it was the old home of Terrible Ted Lindsay?

What if you got traded to the L.A. Kings, like Gretzky?

Would you want to date a golden girl, an actress, and discover the world of Hollywood movies and television?

What if you got traded to New York, like Gretzky?

Would you want to date a Playboy model who appeared on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition?

What if you were a star in New York and a star in L.A., and then you got traded to Dallas?

What if the NHL named a new rule after you, for unsportsmanlike conduct, because of the way you played in the Stanley Cup playoffs? Would you explore your more sensitive side, maybe take a summer job as an intern with a fashion magazine?

What if the guys you played hockey with were jealous of your success on the ice, more media attention than the NHL's heroes, your success with unbelievably beautiful and high profile women, and what if they lined up to fight you, and called you names like "faggot."

So what if you liked to dress up, pay attention to fashion, played with dolls as a kid, painted your nails black, to go with your mouthguard, and wore expensive shoes that matched your shirt and your belt?

What if People magazine voted you one of the sexiest men alive and the guys you played with and against voted you the most hated hockey player in the NHL?

And what if you were not the biggest guy in the NHL? Say you were around 5'9" and weighed under 200 pounds, and had to go up against guys who were 6'6", made of mean muscle, and were the best hockey players from hockey mad countries around the world?

And what if microphones were pointed at you wherever you went, and the media counted on you for a quotable quote, expected you to say something more outrageous than the last time?

What if it became your role to drive the other team to distraction?

What if your team confused your role with your real identity?

What if your team made you their scapegoat, blamed you for all their problems, and  really vilified you?

What if you lived your life in locker rooms and hotel rooms, fighting for your place in a professional sport that was so violent and fast that it was called a cross between ballet and murder, and what if you got in trouble with the commissioner of the league because you said something he thought would be offensive to his twelve-year-old daughter?

What if you did some trash-talking in the media, said something you thought they would never use, because it was rude, but they ran with it anyway -- and they didn't get any blame, but you did?

What if you got banned indefinitely from the game you loved?

What if you got another chance?