Updating Each NFL Team's Offseason Facebook Status

Social media is quickly taking over our lives. Wherever we go, we feel compelled to tell the world about it, take a picture of where we are, and put a vintage hue over it before sharing it with the rest of the world. 

Most, if not all, NFL teams have an official Facebook account, but many of their posts are incredibly tame and PR-based. But what if those accounts actually represented each team's true thoughts and feelings, as if every team was an emotional, 17-year-old teenager?

Here are those types of Facebook status update for every team.

Baltimore Ravens

Status: "So, who else is excited for Cam Cameron coming back?"

Let's face it, the Ravens took a beating this offseason, losing several star players to injury and free agency. 

Now that their best offensive player, Ray Rice, seems ready for a holdout, the Ravens don't really have a whole lot to latch on to for hope this season. 

Joe Flacco may be one of the better passers in the league, but the Ravens are kidding themselves if they think their offense is going to improve without Ben Grubbs and (possibly) Rice for an extended period of time. 

Pittsburgh Steelers

Status: "Todd Haley and Ben are getting along just great! Boys night out tonight YOLO!!!"

NFL teams often use social media to put a good spin on an ugly story. The relation between Ben Roethlisberger and Todd Haley got off to a rocky start, so what better way to rekindle the relationship by hitting the bars on a Saturday night together?

What could go wrong?

Cleveland Browns

Status: *Vague, depressing song lyrics to a little-known song*

You know that Facebook friend that seems fine in real life, then goes on his or her computer and turns into the moodiest, most depressed person on the internet? 

While the Browns continue to say that Brandon Weeden is supposed to be the starter, they can't stay firm on their commitment. Will Colt McCoy even have a chance? 

Mr. Holmgren, please explain:

"

"The fact that we drafted him so high means we like [Weeden]," team president Mike Holmgren told the Cleveland Plain Dealer. "But we also like Colt McCoy and Seneca, as well."

"

Whenever the Browns get over their moody phase, perhaps triggered by missing out on Kendall Wright, we may have a vague idea about who will be the starter in Cleveland.  

Cincinnati Bengals

Status: N/A

While things seem to have broken right for the Bengals over the past year, there is still no denying the fact that the team still operate likes it's the 1980s. 

For a team that does't even have an indoor facility, what makes you think that Mike Brown will have any interest in opening a Facebook account? The man probably runs Windows 98 and still uses an AOL email account, relying on the friendly "You've Got Mail!" sound to alert him of notifications. 

If you do find a Bengals Facebook page, report it immediately because it is probably a fake.

Chicago Bears

Status: "I ain't missin' you at all! Missin' you..."

The Bears can say all they want about having doubts about Matt Forte's knees, but we all know how much they will miss him once the season starts.  

Michael Bush is a decent runner, but he is not nearly as effective when trying to handle a full-time workload. 

Just like with a high school relationship, it's easy to post a vague Facebook status about a breakup to make it look like you are ready to move on when you're really not. 

Green Bay Packers

Status: "Anyone else want a smelly cleat? Also, worthless pieces of paper for sale—just $250!"

While Packers fans are among the most loyal in all of football, they have some weird tastes in memorabilia.

At a charity event, an adult woman wanted Donald Driver's used cleat so bad that she ripped it out of a little kid's hands. Meanwhile, the rest of their fans are spending hundreds of dollars on shares of the team that are essentially worthless. 

I don't know how many teams in any sport can get away with asking for donations from their fans, and getting them to do it. I have a hard enough time giving my favorite sports teams money for things in return.

Minnesota Vikings

Status: "We are so darn clever..."

I'll give it to the Vikings: They really had us going there for a minute. They convinced most of the football world that they were not in love with Matt Kalil, at least not enough to take him with the third overall pick. 

In a way, I guess they were telling the truth—they opened up a once-nonexistent trade market and were able to move down to the fourth spot and get their man. 

In any case, this was masterful work by the Vikings to acquire free picks.  

Detroit Lions

Status: "Look, we're all really nice guys once you get to know us!"

After a slew of incidents that have tarnished the Lions' image beyond immediate repair, from DUIs to in-house fighting, the Lions have officially replaced the Cincinnati Bengals as the NFL's hotbed for problem childs. 

In reality, 90 percent of the team's roster is probably filled with good men who would never imagine of getting into serious trouble with the law. Unfortunately for the Lions, perception is reality, and a franchise on the upswing will need to take a closer look at the kinds of players they are bringing in moving forward. 

One of the big reasons why the Lions are a much improved team is because they gambled on talented players with character concerns. Right now, the reasons why 31 other teams passed on these kinds of players is becoming very evident.

New England Patriots

Status: "New England Patriots have joined Facebook" *Have never updated status*

Do you honestly think that Bill Belichick would actually post anything that would possibly give anyone information about his football team?

No prizes, no shout-outs, no caption contests, no nothing. Bill does not want to waste his time dealing with those who pay the money to support his team and pay his salary.

It's too bad, really. I would have loved to see a caption contest with the video of Rob Gronkowski at a nightclub just hours after losing in the Super Bowl.

Miami Dolphins

Status: "Like for a like?"

We all knew the Dolphins were starved for attention. After all, they are the only football team in the world that gets less air time than its corresponding NBA team. 

The Dolphins have tried everything to grab attention, from adding celebrity minority owners to putting a nightclub inside the stadium. Now, they are taking their starvation for headlines to a whole new level by agreeing to appear in HBO's Hard Knocks.

With a new coach and a rookie quarterback at the helm, this idea appears headed for disaster, but it could be Stephen Ross' only chance to try and change the public perception surrounding the Dolphins franchise.

New York Jets

Status: "New York Jets have changed their relationship status from "Married" to "It's Complicated"

At the start of the offseason, it really looked like the Jets were doing everything right. They were not making big splashes in free agency, and they gave their quarterback an extension to shown their commitment to him. 

Then, they traded for Tim Tebow. 

And now, in the words of Facebook lingo, the relationship is now officially "complicated." 

Yes, Sanchez is the starter. But just like any high school relationship, it could end at any time, now that this new, super popular quarterback is in the building.

Buffalo Bills

Status: "See! Buffalo isn't so bad!"

I actually visited Buffalo for the first time over the spring and spent the weekend in hail storms and freezing rain.

To be honest, if I was as good at sacking quarterbacks as Mario Williams, you would have a hard time trying to get me to move out there for an extended period of time. Just as surprisingly, the Bills were also able to get Mark Anderson under contract.

Despite their desperate sounding status, I have to congratulate the Bills for overcoming their obvious recruiting disadvantages and landing these two quality free agents. A small-market teams like the Bills having success in free agency is great for the NFL. 

New York Giants

Status: "Hope you enjoy your 'raise' Osi! LMAO!"

It's hard to argue with the Giants' approach to defense in recent years. Rather than spend money and resources helping other areas of the team, Jerry Reese puts a huge emphasis on collecting as many pass rushers as possible. 

Recently, he was able to give Osi Umenyiora a "substandard" contract that ensures his place on the team for at least one more year. 

While it appears that Osi was frustrated with the process and willing to take whatever he could have gotten, the Giants are off the hook on a long-term extension that could prevent them from paying other players such as Jason Pierre-Paul in the future. 

In the end, the Giants won the battle, leaving Osi's camp to take what was on the table. 

Philadelphia Eagles

Status: "Our team is terrible and completely devoid of talent."

After dealing with the "Dream Team" label last year that clearly had a negative impact on the mindset of the team, the Eagles want to take a different approach this year. 

Instead of declaring themselves the best team in the NFL, why not just say that their team is terrible and has no chance of winning?

Just don't let Vince Young make the announcement, or else, just like last year, no one will believe it. 

Dallas Cowboys

Status: "Who wants Mike Jenkins? SIKE!!!"

If you are in charge of an NFL team with some extra draft picks lying around and a gaping hole at cornerback, don't bother calling the Cowboys.

Despite the fact that they will likely have no use for oft-injured corner Mike Jenkins, Len Pasquarelli of the Sports Xchange reports that the Cowboys have turned down four different teams who have inquired about his services. 

Just like when he turned down a first-round pick for Martellus Bennett a few years ago, this appears to be another case of Jerry Jones letting his personal relationship with players affect his decisions. 

Washington Redskins

Status: "Washington Redskins changed their relationship status from 'Single' to 'Married'"

There really is no other way to put it: The entire Redskins organization is dependent on the success of Robert Griffin III. 

If RG3 fails, not only will the coaching staff pay the price, but so will the front office and scouting departments. 

The Redskins have not had a quarterback prospect like this for decades. If the Redskins are going to return to glory, now is the time to do it. 

Jacksonville Jaguars

Status: "Anyone know of a good lawyer in Stillwater?"

Unless you have a new residence on the underside of a rock, you already know that first-round pick Justin Blackmon has been arrested for aggravated DUI. 

What is interesting to me is how little Blackmon's character issues were discussed in the draft process. As of now, it appears as though the Jaguars may have overlooked some major internal flaws in Blackmon. 

The good news is that the Jags maybe able to save some money, as Blackmon has yet to sign his rookie deal. He will likely receive fewer guaranteed dollars as a result of the arrest. 

Indianapolis Colts

Status: *Insert any one of the mysterious tweets by Jim Irsay*

If you follow Jim Irsay on Twitter, you know exactly what I mean when I say that his tweets are a bit "off." Whether they are strange riddles or quotes, you always scratch your head after reading an Irsay tweet. 

If he had the time, he would probably volunteer to run the Facebook page as well—and not much would change. He would merely have another platform to be a creepy NFL team owner (and creepier guitar player). 

Irsay likes to torment the media with his antics more than publicize anything of importance. 

Tennessee Titans

Status: "Like for Locker, Comment for Hasselbeck!"

Social media really is an amazing tool. You can connect with friends, share photos and videos and even solve the quarterback controversy in Tennessee!

In all seriousness, this battle is going to come down to the wire, and might as well be solved with a "like vs. comment" battle. Locker looked decent in his starts, but his flaws were still evident as he completed barely over half of his passes. 

If Locker can improve with a full offseason, I still expect him to be the favorite to start on opening day. 

Houston Texans

Status: "Anyone know of another veteran we can get rid of?"

Based on what they accomplished last year, I would have to put the Texans among the favorites to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. 

However, after letting go of Eric Winston and Jacoby Jones, and trading DeMeco Ryans, it is difficult to believe that the Texans will produce at the same level they did in 2011, particularly in the running game. 

If Matt Schuab stays healthy, they are still a good enough team to contend, but they didn't do anyone favors by making so many unnecessary cuts in the offseason. 

New Orleans Saints

Status: "Hey...at least we got Curtis Lofton, right?"

Every day leading up to his suspension, Mickey Loomis will go home, drink a steady amount of whiskey on rocks and let everything that has happened to the Saints settle in. 

By the end of the night, this status will be the last thing he thinks about before he passes out, covered in Domino's pizza, on his couch. 

In all honesty, it's just about the only thing that has gone right for the Saints, as the team actually made a massive on-field upgrade over Jonathan Vilma. 

Atlanta Falcons

Status: "This Asante Samuel guy sure is rowdy..."

The Falcons are not really known for being a team filled with bravado and energy—which may change after bringing in Asante Samuel. 

Samuel has apparently been energetic and provocative at Falcons' practices, talking all kinds of smack and being a constant nuisance—which is exactly what you want in a cornerback. 

He is even provoking the man who brought him to Atlanta, GM Thomas Dimitroff, in the process:

"

When no passes immediately came his way, Samuel went to the top and involved Falcons general manager Thomas Dimitroff in his antics.

“Dimitroff, tell them to get me some action,” Samuel said.

"

The Falcons may need to make some adjustments in terms of their mentality and approach if they want to finally win a playoff game, and perhaps Samuel's in-your-face style could give them the edge they need. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Status: "Thanks for the memories, Kellen!"

Just four years removed from signing the biggest tight end contract in NFL history, Kellen Winslow is no longer welcome in Tampa Bay, and has been traded to Seattle.

The reasons for Winslow's departure are still largely unknown, but he is still a talented player that will be an asset for whatever quarterback winds up playing for the Seahawks.

I find it interesting that the Bucs went with an aging veteran like Dallas Clark over a younger player like Kellen Winslow. It is rumored that money and dedication were the reasons for his demise, but if that's the case, isn't that the reason the Bucs hired Schiano in the first place?

In any case, it was an abrupt end for Winslow in Tampa Bay, whom the Buccaneers had high hopes for when they traded for him back in 2009. 

Carolina Panthers

Status: "We're a bit strapped for cash, so we spent it on another running back. Thoughts?"

The Panthers didn't have a lot of room to spend this offseason, so what did they do? 

Rather than spend their limited resources on defensive tackle or cornerback help, they went and got themselves another runner: Mike Tolbert. 

Granted, Tolbert is a quality player and doubles as a fullback, but why not take that money and invest it somewhere they really need it? The Panthers are going to have a tough enough time getting Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams enough touches, but how many more do they really want to take away from Cam Newton?

Denver Broncos

Status: "Denver Broncos are now in a relationship with Peyton Manning."

The Broncos made a bold move getting rid of Tim Tebow, arguably the league's most popular player, in favor of an aging veteran coming off neck surgery. 

For better or worse, these two are stuck with each other for the next several years. The Broncos must now find a balance between building a team to win and getting ready for the future.

If, for some reason, this relationship does not end well, it will be a huge stain on John Elway's career as an executive. 

San Diego Chargers

Status: "So...who else is pumped for another year of Norv Turner?!"

Even though Norv Turner has the Chargers in contention just about every year, it is easy to understand the fans' frustration. Every year, San Diego falls just short of making a playoff run. 

However, Norv Turner is still one of the best offensive minds in the game. Firing Norv would take away a significant advantage away from that Chargers that cannot be easily replaced. 

Still, unless the Chargers find a way to make the playoffs this year, it could spell the end of Norv's reign in San Diego. 

Oakland Raiders

Status: "Is it me, or does our team look a lot slower this year?"

Normally, a team looking slower would be a cause for concern. However, for the Raiders, it is a symbol of much-needed change. 

In the days of Al Davis, the Raiders placed heavy emphasis on size and speed to a fault. Now that Reggie McKenzie, a long-time member of the Packers' front office, is running the show, players will be brought in based more on their actual performance on tape. 

He has also gotten rid of bloated contracts that were weighing the team down and replaced them with solid, yet unspectacular players that could be serviceable while McKenzie builds his own team from scratch. 

Kansas City Chiefs

Status: "In Pioli we trust..."

We all knew that one team was going to give Dontari Poe the benefit of the doubt and take him early in the draft, and it turned out to be the Chiefs. 

This is not the first time Scott Pioli rolled the dice on a defensive lineman. He took Tyson Jackson with the third overall pick in the 2009 draft, a that investment has yielded extremely underwhelming returns. 

Chiefs fans are certainly hoping that Pioli did not make a similar mistake and select a bust for the defensive line once again. 

Oh, and that status update was from the night of the draft in late April (the Chiefs don't update their status too often).

San Franscisco 49ers

Status: "Who said we were 'flirting' with Peyton Manning? OMG I hate rumors!"

Look, everyone knows the 49ers were in the running for Peyton Manning, and that if he wanted to, he could have easily come aboard and replaced Alex Smith. 

However, Jim Harbaugh's definition of "flirting" is very different from everyone else's. He insists that the team was not seriously considering Manning, calling the rumors "silly and untrue."

This is clearly just an attempt by Harbaugh to affirm the 49ers' stance that Smith is their quarterback. 

St. Louis Rams

Status: "St. Louis Rams have posted in the Marketplace seeking 'Defensive Coordinator'"

As of now, the Rams do not have a defensive coordinator, thanks to the suspension of Gregg Williams for his bounty program. 

On April 10, the Rams announced their coaching staff without a defensive coordinator. At this point, it appears that calling the defense will be a collaborative effort. 

Seattle Seahawks

Status: "Haterz gonna hate!"

Often a post made by self-conscious 15-year-old girls, the Seahawks seems to be taking a similar approach when it comes to drafting players. 

Despite being labeled a second-round pick at best by most of the media leading up to the draft, the Seahawks took Bruce Irvin in the middle of the first round. Irvin is an explosive pass rusher, but he is not seen as an every down player by most scouts. 

It may not make sense to most football minds, but clearly, the Seahawks walk to the beat of their own drum, which at least warrants a certain level of respect. 

Arizona Cardinals

Status: "About to go check out the QB battle, Kolb vs. Skelton! Excited! #Sarcasm"

There are some interesting quarterback battles this offseason, from Hasselbeck vs. Locker to Tannehill vs. Moore. But the battle in Arizona is getting redundant at this point. 

Everyone knows that neither player is a quality starter in the NFL, no matter how many stud receivers they are given. No matter who wins the battle in camp, are we really going to think that much more of them as quarterbacks? Probably not. 

Even though Arizona made some strides last season, I do not seem them contending with either Skelton or Kolb at quarterback.