Manny, Griffey, Jr. and Mussina To Sign Minor League Deals (Humor)

In an unprecedented move, St. Paul Saints principal owner, Bill Murray (yes, of Caddyshack Fame) and co-owners and brothers Marv and Mike Murray, broke up the baseball free agent log jam today by signing 25 of the remaining 93 MLB Free Agents to Minor League deals.

"We simply can't sit back and see these premadonn.....ugh, legends of baseball starve", said Murray.

"We have cleansed our roster of minimum wage earning wannabes and filled it with 25 present and setting stars of the MLB. The unemployment lines are long enough without having to see Manny, Griffey and Mussina eat soup".

Murray may be suffering from writer's cramp after signing the following position players to MiLB deals; Kevin Millar, 1B, Orlando Hudson 2B, Orlando Cabrera, SS, Joe Crede, 3B, Pudge Rodriguez, C, Ramirez, LF, Griffey, CF, Abreu, RF, Adam Dunn, DH.

"We love the double play combination of The Orlando Brothers. If we could have signed Tony Clark to play 1B and Don Money to play third we could have billed the infield as Tony Orlandos and Don. We could have Tie a Yellow Ribbon Night." 

The Saints, who have previously employed Darryl Strawberry, Leon Durham, Jack Morris, J.D. Drew, and Millar on their roster, hope to sell out their 4,798 seat stadium for each of their 24 home games this season.

"I've crossed Party lines and hired George W's former secretary of the treasury, Henry Paulson, to do the math. He's unemployed and I figure he can make the math work. If worse comes to worse W can bring his Saudi friends."

The Saints starting pitching staff will be made up of former 20-game winners and 40 somethings Mike Mussina, Greg Maddux, Roger Clemens,Tom Glavine, Orlando Hernandez, and Kenny Rogers.

"We are looking into sponsorships from Viagra, Depends, Geritol and Metamucil", added co-owner Mike Veeck, who's father Bill once suited up a politically correct, little person to lead off in an MLB game with the St Louis Browns.

The roster will be rounded out by additional Unemployment Line dwellers, Nomar Garciaparra, Doug Mientkiewitz, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Sal Fasano, and Frank Thomas. The bullpen will be comprised of Tom Gordon, Jason Isringhausen, Brendan Donnelly, Sidney Ponson, and Eric Gagne.

"We aren't overly excited about signing Gagne," said Murray, "but the mop up role should be a hoot."

The Saints once added comic relief when they suited up 7'3" Dave Rasmussen for a cameo appearance in a game in May, 2007.

Each player on the Saints roster will be paid $9,000 for the season, which would make the team payroll slightly higher than the Kansas City Royals and .000007 that of MLB Commissioner, Bud Selig's yearly salary"

"But we also give them $24 a day meal money. It's not like we signed Sabathia, quipped Murray." "They can live in the homes of the neighboring community. The only one who has griped so far is Manny. So I gave him a pacifer and he seems happy."

In between innings, Murray will allow players to earn extra money by doing the Dizzy Bat Race dressed as Luncheon Meat.

"Who's a bigger Meat Head than Ponson, I figure. Plus is there anyone funnier than Millar and Manny?"

Murray has also erected a small outhouse behind the left field wall for Ramirez. The team gift shop will sell Manny Ramirez Scott Boras Tug of War Set , Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa Voodoo Dolls Kevin Millar Jack Daniels Glasses, "Who Stole the Ball?" Doug Mientkiewitz baseballs, Nomar's "Cure to Obsessive Complusive Disorder" Cry Towels, Frank Thomas and Sidney Ponson See Saws, and Pudge "Don't Call me Fisk or A-Rod" Rodriguez T-shirts.

"We had stored some Ponson Peppermint Scnappes in Sidney's locker but it was gone shortly after he arrived."

                                                                        We are considering putting on a Sal Fasano Porno Star Night, A Flash Gordon Super Hero Night, and A You Picked a Fine Time to Leave me Lucille Kenny Rogers Night.

"We are considering having a Sal Fasano Porno Star Look Alike Night..."

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"I've always felt that Free Agency was a misnomer. It isn't really free, but who says it has to cost a lot.", said Murray, who recently sold the Caddy-shackGround Hog to the city of Punxsutawney, PA.

"It just goes to show you..no one is safe in this economy."