Don Zimmer's* Baseball Fashion Police

Hello,

This is Don Zimmer. You might know me as the rather portly fellow pacing the benches of such teams as the San Diego Padres, the Chicago Cubs and New York Yankees. I am a no-nonsense old-school baseball man, beloved by few, but respected by many. I am here, in the late autumn of my career, to dispense advice to the young fellows of this game.

I have lived many years, and seen it all. I remember Dick Allen's mutton chops and Robin Yount's afro. I also remember a young clean-cut gentleman by the name of Derek Jeter, whose manly trimmings caught my jaded eye.

But there is a lot of work to do. For every Jeter there is a Bryce Harper, soiling the game's tradition with a middle-finger of a haircut. If he were on the Yankees, I'd make him comb that thing and send him to Camp Pendleton in the offseason. Bah!

Enough of my speech. Let's get to it.

*Note: Don Zimmer, the actual person, has nothing to do with this article. He is not a fashionista nor a savant, but may be a grumpy old guy. As far as I know, Mr. Zimmer doesn't give a lick about Davey Johnson's glasses.

Ervin Santana's 'Beard'

Don says:

"What is this? Some pencil-thin beard piece? I remember hearing about my mother, in her teens, having to draw black lines like this up her leg because in those days nylons were expensive.

"Can a man actually grow that? I have shaved faithfully for 60-plus years. I have never had a beard, even during the 70s, when I couldn't stop my Padres from looking like a gypsy bandwagon.

"If I were to grow a beard like some hippie, then I would certainly not make it look like a two-bit Latin scam artist.

"If Steinbrenner, God rest his soul, were alive today, he'd trade for Santana just so he can cut that abomination off himself, with his rustiest safety razor!

"I once met an Amish guy, while playing the Phillies. He had a beard like that, but then again he wasn't throwing change-ups in front of 40,000 people."

Davey Johnson's Eyewear

Don says:

"Dear God, Davey, what is that on your face? What's wrong with simple spectacles? Do you need to be pacing the dugout looking like Vidal Sassoon?

"I knew that '86 Mets club was a fluke. But Davey let it go to his head. Now he thinks he's Al Davis or something, like some mastermind of sports. Win a couple more World Series, Davey, and then you can look like a Frenchman on the Rue de Pisspot.

"I have never worn glasses. They'd never fit over my cheekbones. When my eyes fail me, I look through the point of my chin. It can spot a runner stealing signs. Better yet, I just shoot a disapproving glance at everybody, and they think I'm on to something.

"On the Padres, I had this one-day call-up, called Nickie Shriver. He wore so-called 'designer frames.' My ass. He was a bit of a poof; didn't like the limelight. After the game, my outfielder Manny knocked him out. We threw him in one of those old metal hot tubs, filled it up, and left him there overnight. He woke up looking like a raisin. But you could do that stuff in those days."

Bryce Harper's Me-Hawk

Don says:

"Oh memememememe! Lookit me!

"These kids and their haircuts. They have never been to war, you see. The most they know of is video games and haircuts. Back when I was a young player, we were lucky to sit in on a game of cards. They made all the young players stare at the walls. It would be hell during a rain delay.

"This kid has all the talent in the world. Why does he need to showboat like a Berlin cross-dresser? The game is simple. Don't anger the baseball gods with shenanigans. Don't steal signs, and don't have a haircut that resembles a monkey's petard.

"My son had a mohawk back in '79. Said all the punks were doing it. I told him punks were the first to get the hose.

"When I feel the need to rebel, I eat one of them vegetable burgers."

Colby Rasmus's Blank Stare

Don says:

"Come on, Colby! Think of something! Close that mouth of yours!

"Baseball has always been full of mouth-breathers. Hell, it's probably best if you're a stupid ballplayer. When one gets to thinking, one gets to losing games.

"What kind of name is Colby? In my day, men were named Dick, Don and Pee-Wee. Colby is something I put on my sandwich.

"It must hurt Colby to be playing in Canada. I know the Rasmus family a little, and they are pure Dixie. Canada is like a dainty French village to them. Colby must be terrified somebody will offer him cream coffee and a fag."

CC Sabathia's Pajama Pants

Don says:

"CC is a helluva pitcher, but his pants look like a clown's. It reminds me of the billowy pants of the war era, but that's because players back then had huge boils and undiagnosed childhood diseases which left festering sores and other unmentionables on their bodies.

"I wish players would go tight again, like back in the 70s. Back then, your pants couldn't be tight enough. Dick Allen made sure a fan in the upper deck could see his hair follicles through the polyester. As for me, my gut never looked better than tucked into a three-color waistband.

"Where are the socks and sannies? Do ballplayers wear socks anymore? Or do they wear those little nylon ankle-highs like my mother did?''