Alternate Super Bowl Programming

It’s time for the annual Top Seven shows that networks strategically have counter-programmed against the Super Bowl.  In the ratings business, “chicken tracks” are what you call ratings that are so low that they are basically not measurable, which means, hilariously, that there is a chance that zero people are watching that show.

In all likelihood, the highest percentage of shows with chicken tracks would be this coming Sunday. This year more than any other in the history of this list (in its fourth year), there are very few direct counterprogramming choices to the Super Bowl, like the Lingerie Bowl or halftime shows that they try to get people to switch over to (In Living Color being the first of those). 

Onto the list.

7. Four Episodes of Cribs, MTV 2

No Full House this year, which is extremely disappointing, but you will get four Cribs!  That will be a minimum of four times that someone says “this is where the magic happens.”  What would be the greatest episode of Cribs ever if it would have been possible? Some may say Elvis, but Graceland is vastly overrated.

How about the Unabomber? 

Maybe, but it wouldn’t have been very long since he only had like a room and a half.  Jeffrey Dahmer’s would have been outstanding.  “Here is where I keep my collection of heads.”

6. World Series of Poker

The percentage of people who think that they are Phil Hellmuth is out of control.  You can now sit at a .50/$1.00 Hold-Em table and have at least three other people who think that they can win the World Series of Poker.

It would be maddening if it weren’t so hilarious.  It’s become the equivalent of fantasy football drafts—EVERYONE has the same information (in this case, “how to play the odds in poker hands”) so you pretty much know what is going on all of the time.

The only difference is that in fantasy football drafts, you don’t have a guy with a visor and sunglasses not speaking to you and chuckling or complaining when you “play a hand wrong” even though you beat them in the hand.###MORE###

5. Not Just Another Cable News Show

This sounds like it should be a show hosted by the Wayans Brothers. Upon research, it is not a parody, it’s just a news show on cable pretending to be not like the rest of the cable news shows.

If one were to watch it, more than likely you would still get your steady diet of hyperbole, conclusion-jumping, speculation, misleading statistics, and things to scare the crap out of you that we have learned to love from our good friends in cable news.

4. Puppy Bowl V, Animal Planet

This one has shown up on the list every year, and I still have no interest in knowing what it is all about.

3. Home Alone 2, ABC Family

I am not a fan of showing Christmas movies when it is not around Christmas, especially so close afterwards.  Here is a chicken track candidate right here. Who in the world is in the mood to watch the freaking SEQUEL to Home Alone right now? 

While watching this one again back in December, I wondered if they could have simply released Home Alone again with about two minutes of new footage, called it Home Alone 2” and made just as much money. 

The cost efficiency would have certainly been higher, even with the money that they made off of that Talkboy thing. Whatever.

2. 20 Best and Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Stories, E!

This is coming from someone who has seen The Monster Squad at least a dozen times, so I have no credibility whatsoever, but how can you possibly be watching this show, seeing that they are only at No. 12, and stick around until you see who has that cherished No. 1 spot?

1. Road to the White House 2012, C Span

Another yearly inclusion, but it makes the top spot this year because after three straight years of “Road to the White House 2008,” C Span has begun a new series!  Congrats, guys, it’s never too early to start thinking of the next presidential election.  Blagojevich ’12!

The Top 7 is written by Jason MaJor. He thinks Blagojevich is the political version of Mike Martz — with awesome hair. Email him at [e-mail].