Why David Stern Drives the Liver to Drink

Said it before, and I'll say it again: The NBA has the WORST OFFICIALS and the WORST COMMISSIONER in ALL PRO SPORTS. 

 

Not even Gary Bettman is as bad as David Stern. There should have been multiple suspensions in both Western Conference Semifinal series—but it took a forearm shiver by Robert Horry (who I've detested as a dirty player since he was in LA and Houston) on Steve Nash to finally convince Stern and Stu Jackson to take action.

 

Let's get this straight: You won't suspend Bruce Bowen for kneeing Nash in the groin, or deliberately kicking Amare Stoudemire in his surgically-repaired leg. You won't punish Baron Davis for drilling Derek Fisher. You let the Spurs-Suns series get completely out of hand...and then you decide to lay down the law?

 

Stern doesn't suspend punks like Bowen or Davis—or Stephen Jackson or Matt Barnes or Jason Richardson, all of whom blatantly tried to injure opponents during the Golden State-Utah series. But he does suspend players for getting off the bench to help a fallen teammate.

And by the way: Horry's two-game suspension means nothing to the Spurs, as he was only averaging six points a night.

Unfortunately, the Liver hears echoes of his beloved Knicks here, whose bloody battles with the Miami Heat in the 1997 Eastern Semifinals spurred the bullshit "altercation" rule in the first place. In Game Five, P.J. Brown body-slammed Charlie Ward into the stands, igniting a brawl that led to suspensions for Patrick Ewing and Allan Houston in Game Six and Larry Johnson and John Starks in Game Seven.

After leading three games to two, the Knicks lost the series.

The league played a heavy role in that one, as it will in the Spurs-Suns matchup. Stu Jackson opted not to suspend Bowen and Tim Duncan for leaving the bench when Francisco Elson and James Jones got into a scrap earlier in Game Four because the incident was not an "altercation." But neither was Horry/Nash.

How can you have an "altercation" when no punches are thrown? 

The league's ruling has unfairly tilted the balance towards San Antonio, essentially giving them the crucial Game Five in a 2-2 series. The altercation rule sucked 10 years ago and it still sucks now. It needs to be modified to accommodate human emotion. Stern's a fool if he thinks he can make judgments on anyone's "intent."

If I was a Phoenix Suns fan, I'd personally fund a scavenger hunt with Stern's and Jackson's severed heads as the prize booty. After gritting out a tough road win and regaining home court advantage, the Suns have had the momentum taken away from them.  It's a travesty, and I hope it follows Stern and Jackson all the way to hell.

And look—I don't even LIKE the Suns or the Spurs. I like watching good playoff basketball with BOTH TEAMS AT FULL STRENGTH. This was a highly entertaining series before the league ruined it.

Here's a question: What would have happened if Horry had broken Nash's jaw? Would the NBA still have suspended Stoudemire and Diaw? Horry shouldn't be allowed to play another playoff game this year...PERIOD.

And you wonder, David Stern, why your sport is repeatedly dogged by conspiracy theories involving shoddy officiating and subjective rules. By the way, what the f**k do you consider an "altercation"   In my dictionary, the entry under altercation reads "an angry or heated argument."  If that's the case, then Duncan and Bowen should be suspended for getting off the bench when Elson and Jones had their "altercation."

It was a heated argument, wasn't it? Duncan and Bowen got off the bench, didn't they? That's the kind of uneven discipline that only encourages the conspiracy theorists out there.

Your rules and your league suck, Stern. Kudos again for being the stupid, arrogant bastard that you are by refusing to even consider reseeding the playoffs after the first round. No problem, we all enjoy watching the conference finals in the SECOND ROUND.

And last but not least, is there anyone else out there who's SICK AND F***ING tired of the roaming camera shots that make it look like the DPs for The Shield are filming the games? I don't recall anyone saying that the midcourt camera had lost its luster. At least it doesn't make you feel like you re in Vegas with Tony Soprano and a stripper tripping balls on peyote. 

A once great game has become a joke—and it all falls in the lap of David Stern, who fancies himself the godfather of the NBA in his New York ivory tower. Let me know when Stern is no longer commissioner and I'll take an interest in basketball again. As it is, the bastard has lost himself a true fan. The sport means nothing to me. 

Speaking of being angry and nauseated, I'm going to go listen to Dirk Nowitzki's MVP press conference again and share tears with Mark Cuban. Wonder if that whole mainlining Jack Daniels thing I learned on Motley Crue s Behind the Music really works. Now's as good a time as any. 

As the great Johnny Boy says to Michael in Mean Streets, I say to David Stern and Stu Jackson:

—You know, 'cause that's what you are, that's what I think of you: a jerk-off. You're a fu**ing jerk-off! You're laughing 'cause you're a jerk-off!

 

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