UFC 145: Ranking Every Fight on the Card

All right, all right, all riiiiight. Saturday will be the first time in approximately three years that the UFC hosts a major event, UFC 145, in Atlanta (or "The A-T-L", as they called it in my day).

So let's take a trip into the future, all the way to Saturday night. You've got the computer humming, the basic cable burning and the pay-per-view locked and loaded.

There's just one thing. From Facebook to finale, the 12-fight card means at least five hours of action. Sure, it seems glorious at first, but what about the practical implications? Didn't stop to consider those, did you? 

But it's a long time to go without food. And if your viewing premises are anything like my viewing premises, Stadium Buddies are not welcomed by your proprietor/spouse.

If only there was a fight-night planning guide for stuff like this. What are the can't-miss matchups? What's worth catching on free TV? Which fights can you doze or, better yet, drink through? Which ones are fertile ground for full-on refreshment breaks? 

This is why I got into this business. To help MMA fans identify opportune windows for potty breaks. It's the answer to a lifetime pull to public service, is what it is.

12. Mark Bocek vs. John Alessio

Lightweight bout
See it on: Pay-per-view

Bocek only loses to top guys.

John Alessio is not a top guy.

Bocek makes his money with one of the tightest grappling games at 155 pounds. It's impressive, sure, and if you're excited for this one, it must mean you're a super-serious fan. I'm truly happy for you.

The bulk of the viewership, though, won't need to stay glued to the screen.

11. Mac Danzig vs. Efrain Escudero

Lightweight bout
See it on: FX 

Probably a win-or-go-home situation for both of these The Ultimate Fighter season winners, who hold a combined UFC record of 7-8.

Danzig's a submission artist first, but likes to throw when he can. Escudero is a tough customer who relies on wrestling for control.

It could be a good fight—there's certainly enough on the line for the fighters—but there's a relatively low ceiling here.

10. Keith Wisniewski vs. Chris Clements

Welterweight bout
See it on: Facebook

Two MMA journeymen looking for their first UFC win.

Clements is a knockout artist and Octagon newcomer who in his last match KO'd former UFCer Rich Clementi. I can't decide if that's impressive or not.

Wisniewski is 0-2 in the UFC, but waited five years and 11 months between chances. For this one, he waited a paltry six months. I can't decide if that's impressive or not.

9. Travis Browne vs. Chad Griggs

Heavyweight bout
See it on: FX

You know you've got a stacked card on your hands when Chad Griggs vs. Travis Browne is the ninth-best fight on the card.

Mutton Chops McGee is easy to root for and loves to fight. But he'll bring a size and strength deficit to the table against Browne. So much so, in fact, that what looks like a potential slugfest on paper could become a lay n' pray clinic. Especially if Browne's coach and cornerman, scourge of humanity Greg Jackson, has anything to say about it. 

Seriously, Greg Jackson. With your "winning fights" and "minimizing damage" philosophies. I hope you choke on molasses.  

8. Rory MacDonald vs. Che Mills

Welterweight bout
See it on: Pay-per-view

Does Mills have anything for MacDonald? We'll see. To be more specific, we'll see that the answer is no.

It'll be mildly exciting, if only because MacDonald will take him apart. Come on. You know it's true. Don't give me any of that don't-sleep-on-Mills garbage. This one won't be competitive, especially for a co-main event.

Seriously, UFC. Stop slow-walking MacDonald. Wake me up when they give him Brian Ebersole. 

7. Brendan Schaub vs. Ben Rothwell

Heavyweight bout
See it on: Pay-per-view

Two down-on-their luck heavyweights try to turn things around. In his last fight, at UFC 135, brick-fisted Ben Rothwell hit a stone wall in the thin air of Colorado. Meanwhile, one event earlier, Colorado native Schaub was getting laid out in Brazil by Minotauro Nogueira. 

You have to believe the book is written on Ben. He could catch knockout-prone Schaub, but until he proves he can handle it, take him deep and tire him out.

6. Mark Hominick vs. Eddie Yagin

Featherweight bout
See it on: pay-per-view

A good chance for Hominick to help fans forget about The Phone Home Fight. But hey, at least he went the distance with the Tasmanian devil that is Jose Aldo. That's more than others can say. 

Yagin is a perfectly respectable fighter, but Hominick should become the first Shawn Tompkins protege to earn a win after Tompkins' untimely passing. And he'll use his nifty hands to get it done.

5. John Makdessi vs. Anthony Njokuani

Lightweight bout
See it on: FX

One is a grounded phenom in need of an uplift. The other is a poor man's Edson Barboza (that's a compliment by the way).

Both want to duke it out. Winner stays on track, loser fights on your Likes page next time. 

4. Matt Brown vs. Stephen Thompson

Welterweight bout
See it on: FX

Thompson caused about as big a stir as someone debuting in the UFC on a deep undercard can when he flashed a brilliant head kick to splay out Dan Stittgen (gesundheit).

A lucky strike, or a name to remember? Brown, currently living out the seventh of his nine UFC lives, will help ferret out the truth. 

3. Marcus Brimage vs. Maximo Blanco

Featherweight bout
See it on: Facebook 

This one's going to set the night off with a "bang," if you'll pardon my pun.

Brimage says he's hitting harder, which is interesting, because he was hitting pretty hard already. And Blanco's been hitting hard going on four years now, in venues around the world. If you don't know his eminently gladiatorial name yet, you may want to learn it.

In any case, Knockout of the Night, right here.

2. Miguel Torres vs. Michael McDonald

Bantamweight bout
See it on: pay-per-view

Michael McDonald returns after spending some time back in my long ago. Sorry. Am I the only one who gets that? Those two fan bases may have an overlap of precisely one: this guy. I make no apologies.

One phenom, McDonald, is on the way up, while the other is hoping to recapture the magic. There'll be a lot of wins in the cage for this one, as they sport a combined mark of 54-5. 

Torres, though eminently accomplished and arguably jobbed out of a decision versus Demetrious Johnson in his second-to-last engagement, could be fighting his last fight of consequence if he can't show and prove against "Mayday."

1. Jon Jones vs. Rashad Evans

Light heavyweight bout (for the championship)
See it on: Pay-per-view

Should be a decent fight.

Seriously, if Evans can't do it, I don't see anyone who can in the light heavyweight division. If Jones wins this one, start the Junior dos Santos talk.