Miami Marlins Park: Previewing All the Features of MLB's Newest Ballpark

Gabe Zaldivar@gabezalPop Culture Lead WriterApril 4, 2012

MIAMI, FL - APRIL 02:  A general view of the Marlin's Ballpark during a preseason game against the New York Yankees at Marlins Park on April 2, 2012 in Miami, Florida.  (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)
Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

The good people of Miami have a new toy in Marlins Park. Let's bust it open and see what's inside.

Whether it's the heat, humidity or women that are in bikinis for 12 months a year, South Beach can get a little crazy. What may seem like a good idea to them seems like complete lunacy to us normal people.

With that, we bring you the hits, misses and tacky brilliance that is Marlins Park.

Home Run Sculpto-Pictorama

That's what this monstrosity is called, and it's as catchy to look at as the name is to say. Well, that's if you are a 90-year-old woman with purple hair named Flo.

I imagine the man that suggested a statue that basically farts marlins and looks like a sad version of Las Vegas that thankfully never took hold was to get fired, only it's really unbearable in Miami, so this seemed like a great idea.

Grade: D

The only reason that this is saved from a complete F is that it is rather hilarious for the rest of us MLB fans. Marlins fans have been whining for a new stadium for eons. When they finally get it, they get the worst outfield structure ever constructed.

Here is an up-close and personal look at the statue. This is exactly like finding out there is no Santa Claus, only sadder.

Backstop Aquariums

God, I love this stadium like I love the movie In the Army Now

The geniuses that brought you such hits as that flaming turd in center field bring you two sets of aquariums behind home plate.

You know, in case the 7-0 blowout in August wasn't mind-numbing enough, now we are going to watch a bunch of fish wonder how much worse their existence could get.

Photo Credit: Forbes
Photo Credit: Forbes

As you can tell in the video, the man recording thinks the fish in that glass box of humiliation is "pretty cool." No, it is not pretty cool—it just is.

Grade: D

I seriously have no freaking clue why we need fish behind home, threatening to catch our eye until they rip this stadium down decades from now.

Look, we get that you are the Marlins, but you don't have to make everything fish-themed.

You don't see the Brewers hosting a bunch of drunk dudes around the stadium...never mind.

Retractable Roof


This is so sweet, and I really have to say that it will save so many games from being rained out and some fans will be saved from unbearably hot days.

The weather in Miami can change in an instant, and The Miami Herald reminds us the team had a team-record 22 rain delays as recently as 2009.

Grade: A

The video states the roof takes about 15 minutes to close. You will go to horrible rain delay to game on in the time it takes to grab a brew and a dog.

This is the biggest feature, but also the most crucial.

Jaunt Around Stadium

With Leather's Brandon visited Marlins Park recently and snapped off some amazing pictures of what you can see at the fully-functional Death Star. Sorry, Marlins Park.

Photo Credit: With Leather
Photo Credit: With Leather

Here is a mural painted by numbers.

Here is a look at concessions stands, but more importantly the bright lights and yellow on the ground. This stadium is like a slice of Vegas, but without all the hope.

Yes, a Bobblehead Museum.

Every baseball stadium needs overpriced food.

The Jumbotron looks amazing.

Added Features

Forbes takes us on a short tour through some of the tasty treats that aren't beer and hot dogs. This includes:

three well-known Miami area eateries, Don Camaron, Papo Llega y Pon, and Latin American Grill, which between them will serve Pan con Lechon (Pork sandwich), Chicharron (Pork Rinds), Tamales (Corn Meal Patties) , Minuta Fish Sandwich, Malanga Chips, Fish Ceviche, Cuban Sandwiches, Croquetta de Jamon (Ham croquettes), Beef Empanadas, Plantain chips with Garlic Sauce, and for dessert, Flan and Cuban Coffee.

- Craig Davis of the Sun-Sentinel delves into some of the awesome things that lie ahead for the players.

This includes batting cages 50 feet away from the home dugout (nearly spitting distance) and a state-of-the-art video room to hone swings, which will soon have a pitcher's mound.

Overall Grade

Grade: C+

I gave this stadium a hard time, but there is a great deal that works.

I am hoping that in time the bright colors and tacky corners of the stadium begin to grow on the most jaded of us fans.

In short, this is a very distinct ballpark, and that is at least something.

Sure, the statue in center is ugly and the aquarium is a bit odd, but there are some great lines at the park, and I am interested to see what a game looks like in person.

The field seems to look amazing from the cheap seats, and that's what really matters—watching the game.


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