USC Will Be Just Fine

Contrary to Pete Carroll’s disgust over quarterback Mark Sanchez departing for the NFL and the disappointment of the Trojan fan base—look around, Southern California still looks impressive.

While College Football Fever is still researching the details, it’s rumored that there is a law against being depressed or down-and-out in Southern California. Apparently people get shipped off to less desirable programs if they disturb the peacefulness of the talented and beautiful. With that said, USC head coach Carroll needs to cheer up.

For the upcoming year, USC has quarterback Mitch Mustain, formally of the Arkansas Razorbacks, waiting for his turn to walk down the illustrious red carpet. In 2008, Southern California had only 14 seniors, but 68 freshmen and sophomores to fill the voids, if any. So once again it will be reload time for the Trojans.

There are also many youngsters out there that are intrigued at the idea of becoming one of the future celebrities at Southern California. At the moment, Carroll has verbal commitments from 6′3” 220-pound quarterback Matt Barkley of Santa Ana, California. The future Trojan grades out at a 93 and was the Gatorade Male Athlete of the Year, as well as the Joe Montana Quarterback of the Year award recipient.

Other top verbal commits include ILB Vontaze Burfict of Corona, California; OG John Martinez of Salt Lake City, Utah; and WR Randall Carroll of Los Angeles, California. Carroll was the 2008 State Champion in the 100-meter and 200-meter dash.

So there you have it—speed, talent, speed, talent, and more speed. There’s an endless supply that always seems to find its way to Carroll’s glorious USC program. Therefore, there is really no need for Carroll to be perturbed about losing Sanchez.

Just remember Trojan fans, the karma is great at USC. Heck, Carroll can grab the first intoxicated hoodlum out of the stands that’s been drinking Paps Blue Ribbon and Jagermeister shots since 8:30 in the morning, throw a USC jersey on him and somehow he can pull four touchdown passes out of his butt. Not sure how, but it is true—look it up.

It’s well known that recruiting at USC is as easy as taking candy from a baby. Bring the blue-chipper in on the bus and show him the beach, the beautiful women (or men depending on their preference), and let them feel the sultry, warm air.

Word has it there are also a few other recruiting tactics used to draw the elite prep stars to USC. Also not yet confirmed by the College Football Fever research department, is a rumor that apparently when you die there are two pearly gates—one has a nice big sign that says “Heaven” written in bold letters and another sign with a glowing, bright sign flashing gold and cardinal red that reads “Southern California.”

Well, if recruits believe it, what difference does it make, right?

Furthermore, if you didn’t study French, Spanish, Surfer Dude, German, or Sarcasm as your foreign language in school—this article is not recommended.

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