The 30 Guys You Meet at Every Major College Football Tailgate

Attending a well-attended college football tailgate event is a lot like visiting a college bar on a busy night, and you meet a bunch of the same characters.

But what’s great about the collegiate tailgating scene is, to add to your regulars from a bar standpoint, you get a load of people who are unique to the highly specific task of celebrating with your vehicle.

Indeed, where the tavern gives you drunk guy, lady killer guy and one-up guy, the tailgate moves these role players outside into a parking lot (which sometimes changes everything) and then adds in other distinctive performers who combine to serve up a tasty human cocktail.

The following slideshow typecasts 30 guys you meet at every major college football tailgate, and in doing so it celebrates the fusion of smoked meats, alcohol, transportation, the great outdoors, passion-driven college football and interaction between the sexes.

Now who doesn’t want to be a part of something like that?

Electronics Guy

This is the dude at the tailgate who has every conceivable electronic device represented outside of his vehicle.

He’s the one with the generator, the portable satellite dish, the multiple televisions and then, as the years roll on, he’s got power strips that have everything from a crock pot to a hand mixer plugged in.

This is the parking spot where you go to plug your I-Phone in, whip up some brownies or listen to the pregame coverage on custom mounted four feet tall Peavey speakers.

Overconfident Guy

Regardless of the spread, or any realistic expectations, this is the guy who is more than sure that the home team is going to beat the crap out of its opponent.

This guy stalks the parking lot, brimming with certainty, to spread the good news of a sure victory.

Before the game you can’t convince this gentleman that he’s wrong (no matter what you say) and afterwards you never see him again…if he was wrong.

If he winds up being correct, he makes himself as obvious as a naked guy with Christmas lights on.

Pessimistic Guy

The anti-thesis of Optimistic Guy is Pessimistic Guy, who is absolutely sure the home squad will drop the game in an ugly fashion.

Ironically, this is the chap who actually gets more negative and surly the wider the point spread, or in other words, the more his team is supposed to win the more he believes they’ll lose.

Regardless of how confident the tailgating crowd is, this guy usually scares people even if they won’t admit it.

The truth is this cynic reminds us that any team could beat another team on any given day, and this fact is what makes our passion regarding college football so emotionally dangerous.
 


 

Lady Killer Guy

This is the dude that is either “just here to pick-up girls” and not interested in the game, or wants to watch the home team win but will still “hook up” with somebody (and tells you that repeatedly).

In both cases the vocalized aims, generally speaking, have nothing to do with actual allure to the opposite sex, nor does it indicate or guarantee any success rate.

In fact, these big talkers are usually less triumphant in their quest to capture a pack of female sophomores than are a pack of actual sophomores.

Insanely Drunk Guy

Though you can certainly find this guy at your local bar, he’s even more likely to be sighted at your local tailgate.

Yes, there is something about tailgating a major college football game that leads to one over serving oneself, and this all naturally leads to the making of Insanely Drunk Guy.

Staggering, giggling, slurring and perhaps laying in the fetal position are all characteristic traits of the naturally inebriated.

Ex-Football Player Guy

This is the dude that played some form of competitive football during his lifetime and now really, really likes to talk about it.

Naturally, this guy’s propensity to relive his glory days is considerably amped up when a bunch of beer, a couple of flying footballs and a college football stadium is alluringly nearby.

Again, it’s fairly obvious that this dude’s stories and heroics will get better (or more annoying and ridiculous) as the afternoon wears on.

 

 

Chef Boyardee Guy

Here’s the guy who is the consummate tailgate chef.

This man is the gourmet’s gourmet and he considers a bag of Fritos and a half opened can of bean dip a pock mark on the great culinary history of tailgating.

Chef Guy has all the equipment (the big grill, the fancy grill tools in the suitcase, the grill baskets, the extra burners, the fryers, the smokers) and then he has all the right eats.

Sure, the Chef has burgers, brats and plenty of sauces but he’s also the dude that will have a brisket under the hood, some ribs on the grill and even a huge turkey on a spit.

This is a gentleman who is actually a concrete asset to the tailgating scene, and his five cents worth of food snobbery is worth $1,000 in tasty treats.

Know It All Guy

Know It All Guy is the unquestioned expert, in his own mind, on all things related to college football.

This is the dude who knows everything about the history of the home team, the current climate of college football and even knows when they poured the concrete in the parking lot where you are standing.

Unfortunately, though this guy is mildly entertaining, his facts are normally a bit off and he’s also hard to verbally spar as he never quiets.

Alcohol certainly doesn’t help this guy out.
 

Bar Guy

Bar Guy sets up an alcohol spread in the same grandiose manner that Chef Guy lays on the nibbles.

This is the well-stocked man who brings every conceivable adult beverage to the tailgate, regardless of what size his vehicle is.

Bar Guy usually has a huge cooler stocked with a mind blowing array of domestic and imported beer options and then has a range of spirits on display that rivals that of your local tavern.

This is the dude who has a gas powered blender to whip up margaritas, a cork screw to open up your Riesling, and then somehow manages to chill a tray of Jell-O shots in his Ford Focus.

 

Glass Pack Guy

This is the man who puts his tailgating emphasis onto the vehicle itself.

Yes, where other guys are concerned with loading Cheetos into their hatch back or a Styrofoam cooler into their truck bed, Glass Pack guy is busy trying to wow you with his custom rims.

You’re sure to hear this guy coming and if nothing else it’ll be fun to see him try and dismount his jacked up dually once he’s in the parking lot.

For the ladies, this is the dude who, after an alcohol infused awkward silence, will offer to show you his new goose neck receptacle in his truck bed.

Buyer beware.

TMI Guy

Another regular on the bar scene who is even better with a turkey leg in his hand, TMI Guy comes to the tailgate ready to tell all.

This gentleman is really a bit ladylike in his predisposition to share personal information, and therefore you’ll often see him sipping a Zima while chatting it up with some girl types.

TMI Guy will tell you about his vasectomy, his indiscreet rash, and if he gets jacked up on PBR, he may even give you some not so necessary details of his sex life.
 

Obnoxious Visitor Guy

Being the opposing fan in a foreign parking lot packed with tipsy celebrants, clad in the rival colors, does different things to different people.

While some folks who have traveled down for the big game may party quietly and just enjoy the scene (a bit overwhelmed and perhaps self-protectively hesitant), other guys will strut around like a fox in a hen house.

And that’s what Obnoxious Visitor Guy is all about; he’s the one in the other team’s spirit wear, prancing among the locals and telling them how their beloved squad is going to get drilled by his school.

This is the dude that makes you hate your rival even more, and if your team loses the game you’ll never forget this guy as long as you live.

Though you never even meet the man and you don’t know his name, you’ll think of him and laugh out loud (LOL, if you will) every time your squad beats his…forever.

Elite Guy

Picture a guy in carefully pressed dress slacks, starched golf polo and an expensive looking sweater, and you’ve got your eye on Elite Guy.

This is the dude who is wearing polished dress shoes while everyone else is running around in spirit beads and sloshing lager and jalapeño juice on the ground.

The Elite Guy is usually eating pre-prepared canapé out of the back of a Beamer or Mercedes, and either his aluminum table or his girlfriend is wearing plaid.

Despite the fact that this guy usually looks “too rich to be bothered with a silly college football game,” there’s a concrete reason why he’s here.

Yes, friend, don’t underestimate the power of the passion of college football...it’s a fervor that crosses social, economic, gender and class lines.

It all boils down to the fact that wearing a $2,500 watch doesn’t mean you can’t live and die for college football.

Mooch Guy

Good old Mooch Guy rolls into the tailgate with nothing to contribute but his very own special self.

Yes, this is the individual who comes to the party with nothing in his hands but leaves with a full belly and a healthy buzz.

Mooch Guy is an expert at joining somebody else’s festivities and basically takes advantage of the welcoming, celebratory spirit of college game day.

This character is considerably more successful when fully clad in the spirit wear of the home team.

 

 

 

I Peed My Pants Guy

A time-tested crowd pleaser, I Peed My Pants Guy keeps everyone guessing.

Yes, the guy is obviously blitzed (well, I hope he is), but the million dollar question is…does this dude know that he’s wet himself? More to the point, is he aware that is now visually obvious?

Either way, it’s unlikely that anyone’s tailgate packing list (especially a guy's) includes extra drawers, so, you almost have to assume that this guy has just decided to move on and wait for things to dry up down South.

Name Dropper Guy

A combination of other mouthy tailgate role players, Name Dropper Guy has a bunch of connections.

“I personally know the A.D.” or “Coach Saban and I used to send our kids to the same day care,” are common lines for this guy, but watch out for even better alleged relationships as the drinks continue to flow.

“I went to Church Camp with Lesley Visser and Dan Dierdorf,” and “I dated Erin Andrews in Junior High School” could be just the beginning of a very entertaining conversation.

Crying Girl

It’s impossible to have any type of collegiate affair and not have Crying Girl on the guest list.

Yes, outside or inside, grilled or fried, frozen or on the rocks, rain or shine…if you’re throwing a party, Crying Girl will make an appearance.

The eternal question surrounding this timeless party goer is why exactly is she weeping?

Is it a guy, a friend, the fact that she drank in excess or the ugly truth that she seems to have lost the heel off one of her new boots?

The possible answers are as plentiful as the hairspray and the clumps of mascara running down her cheeks.

One-Up Guy

A bit of a mixture of Know-it-All Guy and Name Dropper Guy, One-Up Guy can outdo any story that you do.

To illustrate, if you were in the stands during the BCS title game, he was on the 50-yard line just behind the bench, and if you say you graduated with a M.A. in Archeology, this is the guy with a Ph.D. in Quantitative Finance.

Yes, if you have a 70 quart cooler, his is a steel belted 150 quart beast, and if your in-laws are visiting the D-Day beaches in France, his just bought an island off the Spanish coast.

If you can grow a beard in two weeks, he’ll have one like Santa by tomorrow at 2 p.m., and if your kid just got accepted to Syracuse, his is a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford (the one in England, not Mississippi).

One-Up Guy is essential and somewhat un-avoidable and often hastens the appearance of Fight Guy to the tailgate.

Head Shave Guy

While some guys will dress from head to toe in the prescribed home team spirit wear, Head Shave Guy takes things to an entirely different level when he dedicates his tresses in the name of fan-da-monium.

This is the dude who will allow a template to be placed upon his fully-haired head so that certain logos or helmet features can be shaved upon his cranium.

This man is a great tailgater, a great fan and a dead man when he gets home.

Puke Guy

Well, the unfortunate truth is that Puke Guy is bound to make an appearance at the tailgate festivities.

As in the case of Insanely Drunk Guy, the celebratory, unique environment that is college football tailgating sometimes brings out the over-zealous drinker, and when that individual doesn’t build the proper foundation, we have Puke Guy.

Puke Guy would be well served to visit Chef Guy for a loaf of bread before reaching the point of no return.

Though a Puke Guy sighting is unarguably disgusting, it definitely gives us all something to talk about for at least the next few weeks.

Dumb Ass Guy

Following are some pre-warnings that an individual should heed if they don’t want to wear the unseemly label of “Dumb Ass Guy.”

1. Don’t put the grill back in the mini-van while it’s still scorching hot.

2. Put the lid firmly on the crock pot full of cocktail sausages and BBQ sauce.

3. Put the plug in the cooler before icing down the beverages and putting it into the car.

4. Yes, that is a big man truck in the spot behind you, look at it before backing into it.

5. There is an important difference between the words “women’s” and “men’s.”

6. Biker types don’t like to be poked with your huge grill fork.

7. If the portable table says “maximum weight 125 pounds,” you probably should not try to dance on it.

8. Everybody can see that crap you post to Facebook.

 

Complainer Guy

Though the sky is blue, the sun is shining brightly, the beer is ice cold and your team is ranked in the Top 10, Complainer Guy finds something to gripe about.

Yes, your spot in the tailgate lot is perfect, the coals are just right and your buddy’s generator is chugging along, but still this dude is moaning about how far it is to Porta Potty row.

Complainer Guy finds the worst in the best, and if nothing else he reminds us that though perfection is unobtainable, the present situation is pretty darn good—and even better after he leaves.

Indecent Exposure Guy

Really, this guy didn’t mean to show his business, it’s just that he thought nobody could see him relieve himself over there, behind the car, in a full parking lot.

 

Paraphernalia Guy

The fan gear answer to food’s Chef Guy and alcohol’s Bar Guy, Paraphernalia Guy has every conceivable NCAA licensed item ever made for his collegiate squad.

From pop tent, pot holders, beer can cooler belts, outdoor spirit lights, flags, toilet paper and silverware all the way to branded hot sauce, this guy has got it all.

This is the man who has put his money where his mouth is, and he is a great fan, phenomenal tailgater and a real asset to college football.

My Wife Wouldn’t Let Me Go Guy

Here’s the guy sitting at home with a pocketful of excuses.

Yes, without a cold beer and an officially sanctioned corn-hole bean bag in his hand, My Wife Wouldn’t Let Me Go Guy is a bitter shell of man who wishes he would have stood his ground.

The price that seemed too high to pay on Friday now looks like small change to a dude pruning trees with a Radio Shack antenna headset placed awkwardly atop his sweaty head.

 

Gambler Guy

Gambler Guy spends most of his precious tailgating day either furiously spinning the wheel of his Blackberry for score updates, or firmly planted in Electronics Guy’s parking spot in a constant quest for news.

This individual has money on almost every game of the day, and once his phone is finally out of juice he zigzags the lot desperately seeking the final score of the Toledo vs. Akron game.

Yes, this is the guy who is so serious about the financial side of fandom that he even has the gall to put money on the opposing team for the game he is tailgating and then attending.

Sure, it’s his own team he just bet against (the same one that he will go in the stadium and cheer for, can you say “multiple personality disorder”?), but he always generates a line like, “Well, they gave them 11 points!” as an explanation for his behavior.

 

Designated Driver Guy

When DD Guy initially accepts the role of responsibility, he is heralded by his cohorts to the degree that he actually feels pretty good about his decision.

“Yep,” he tells himself, “I’m a responsible guy doing the right thing. I’m proud of myself.”

But, about four hours into the tailgate party, once he’s eaten as much as he can and his buddies start acting ridiculous and get louder, he wonders what he was thinking.

Then, after the stadium lights begin to dim, as he fights to load the now sloppy celebrants back into the truck, DD Guy is tired and has a huge headache.

Ironically, Designated Driver Guy’s silver lining comes the next morning at church or the next afternoon at an NFL game-watching event when he sees the same jolly chaps from Saturday night looking oddly green and suffering the ill effects of their fanatic behavior.

Anybody up for a sausage sandwich and a cold beer?

 

Let’s Burn Some Crap Guy

Though you’re more likely to experience a sighting of this guy in West Virginia or perhaps East Texas, the combination of passionate college football viewing, alcohol and the fire tools needed to grill meat make Let’s Burn Some Crap Guy possible anywhere in the nation.

This dude is certainly lot of fun, but hold on to your burnables when he gets cranked up because the truth is, nothing’s safe…especially your lamps.

 

Picture Guy

Picture or Photo Guy has an unquenchable thirst to preserve every single moment of the tailgate.

Perhaps he’s married to an avid scrapbooker, or maybe he works with some sort of archives or possibly his hobby is photography; either way, you just have to hope he’s not uploading it all to Facebook.

Fight Guy

At the end of the day, the combination of all the personalities that make-up the tailgate, along with the presence of alcohol and the inevitable happy or sad outcome of a football game, can ultimately result in ugliness.

And so enters Fight Guy, who can come early, halfway through the festivities or more probably late in the tailgate production.

Some Fight Guys are one-timers, fueled by over exuberance or over-saturation, while others are regulars looking for a brawl like Chef Guy seeks out the perfect marinade for his meat.

Fight Guy hastens the entrance of Cop Guy and sometimes results in a visit either to ER Dr. Guy or Bail Bondsman Guy.