Open Mike Monday: Spring Break, Wenger's Jedi Mind Trick, Fabrice Muamba Tribute

Greetings from spring break. Or something somewhat resembling it.

This week's Open Mike Monday comes to you from the beach, where it's supposedly spring break, but it's really looking more like retirement central.

That's OK, though. Who wants to see crazy, drunk college coeds running around in skimpy bathing suits? Weaker men than me, clearly.

If it's spring break, that must mean the football season is coming close to its conclusion. Sure enough, title races heated up across Europe—though some are hotter than others.

Manchester City drew level on points with Manchester United, though United play again Monday night. AC Milan maintained their lead in Serie A, but not before being dumped out of the Coppa Italia by Juventus, their closest chasers.

In Spain, well, you already know all about it.

In France, the same two teams are duking it out. In Holland, nobody and everybody still wants to win the title. And in Germany—well, I'll get to that later.

So without further delay, I give you my best attempt at football clarity through the "madness" of spring break.

Most Deliberately Disingenuous Statement: Arsene Wenger's Jedi Mind Trick

It's nice to have the old Arsene Wenger back.

Angry Wenger was totally stressing me out, yo.

That's why I love this article. Love it.

According to TalkSport, Wenger says Arsenal's place in the top four isn't quite sealed yet, even after Saturday's impressive 3-0 win over Aston Villa.

And even though the Gunners are a massive eight points ahead of Chelsea.

Nope, these aren't the droids you're looking for. You can go about your business. Move along, move along.

Best Use of Social Media to Shame Your Crappy Team

Way to go, Tony Fernandes. Your Queens Park Rangers beat Liverpool 3-2 midweek in the English Premier League but then lost 3-1 to Sunderland.

So what do you do? Well, being the benevolent owner that you are, you take to Twitter and humiliate your bratty, over-priced stars, of course.

Cue the Roman Abramovich-ish wackiness, via some absurdly bad grammar on Twitter.

"

“I can't believe this. Red cards. Nothing to do with luck. Very frustrating."

“The manager can do nothing if players keep getting sent off and booked. Mark Hughes is right guy and he has my support."

“Crucial is for us to win home games. But boy we do make it dfficult."

“This is the first time I'm generally pissed of. we got to bloddy keep 11 players on the pitch.”

"

The part about "getting sent off" is probably about Djibril Cisse, who was sent off against Sunderland. But in fairness, as commenter Sanjay Chhetri writes, Djibril Cisse is not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.

Most Dangerous Boot

You know, managers have it tough.

All these whiny players make all that money and then run into managers on the sidelines.

If only somebody would do something about it.

Somebody like Tubize coach Dante Brogno, who raised his foot at the onrushing John Cofie of Royal Antwerp (on loan from Manchester United) during a Belgian second-division game over the weekend.

That'll show 'em.

Most Under-the-Radar Elite European Team

Yeah, I said it. Borussia Dortmund is an elite European team.

Champions League failure aside, Dortmund's putting together an outstanding season. After Sunday's 6-1 demolition of FC Köln and future-Arsenal star Lukas Podolski, Jurgen Klopp's team is unbeaten in their 21 Bundesliga matches.

The defending champs own a five-point lead over Bayern Munich atop the table, they've won 10 of their last 11 and they've booked a place in the DFB-Pokal final—where they'll play Bayern.

Next season? Yeah, they already have summer reinforcements lined up. So while Bayern Munich have been impressive lately, they haven't been nearly impressive enough to overtake the best team in Germany.

No one is talking Borussia Dortmund right now. We all will be soon.

Best News. Period.

Bolton beat Blackburn 2-1 over the weekend in the English Premier League.

Fabrice Muamba was able to watch the highlights.

By now you know all about Muamba and the fact that he was "in effect" dead for 78 minutes last weekend.

That's what makes the news of Muamba's recovery so heart-warming.

In fact, if that didn't bring a smile to your face, you're the one who's dead inside.