January Transfer Window: 25 Can't-Miss Predictions for Deadline Day

Looking to make sense of the wacky world of transfer deadline day? You've come to the right place.

The transfer window is notoriously combustible, and deadline day is downright despicable for fans of sanity. But fear not: We have 25 bold predictions for deadline day that are bound to come true.

Trust us.

Whether it's resolution to the Carlos Tevez saga that you crave, or you're an Arsenal fan desperately hoping to find out who your team will sign (spoiler alert: probably nobody), we've got what you're looking for.

Let's get started.

The Carlos Tevez Saga Will Go Down to the Last Minute

Think the Carlos Tevez saga is over? Yeah, right.

First, AC Milan said the deal was dead. Now they're reportedly trying one "last" time. Some sources say Tevez is willing to bury the hatchet with Manchester City, but others claim PSG and others are still interested (or were they out too?).

Got all that? Good, then go ahead and read up on the Andy Carroll-swap-deal rumors (more on that later).

No one knows for sure what Tevez will do. All we know is that this saga is going down to the wire.

Kia Joorabchian Will Reveal That He Is, In Fact, Lex Luthor…

…and that, along with his friends at the Hall of Doom, he's plotting to take down the silly do-gooders running European football. Europe will tremble in fear.

Little-known fact: Kia Joorabchian is not actually an agent. He's really just a middle-man who, by hooking his tendrils into dozens of top players (including Carlos Tevez), has made a boatload of cash.

Just kidding. He's totally the leader of the Legion of Doom.

Andy Carroll Will Drown His Sorrows in a Tub of Ice Cream

Decide for yourself whether you believe it, but this much is true. The rumor that Liverpool offered underperforming striker Andy Carroll to Manchester City for Carlos Tevez will do nothing to help repair Carroll's fragile confidence.

More likely: The striker who was reportedly told to lose weight upon his arrival at Anfield will seek comfort the only way he knows how.

No word yet on how Carroll might react to the rumors that Liverpool made a similar approach for Newcastle's Demba Ba. Though it might be this.

Liverpool Will Sign Someone

Speaking of Liverpool, the Reds are reportedly sitting on a big, fat wad of cash.

After spending more than £100 million in 2011 alone, Liverpool apparently still have money lying around. Managing director Ian Ayre made that abundantly clear:

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"Money is not an issue," Ayre told Sky Sports News. "If we need somebody and there's a player I think our owners have shown the level of commitment you would expect from a good ownership group that the manager will get supported whatever he needs.But that's not the same as saying we will just go spend money because we have got it or just because we can."

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So, expect Liverpool to sign somebody on deadline day. In addition to the rumored Carlos Tevez-Andy Carroll swap deal, the Reds have also been linked with Tim Riggins lookalike Edinson Cavani of Napoli, former Arsenal midfielder Alex Hleb and up-and-coming Danish defender Jores Okore.

Arsenal Fans Will Be Disappointed, Pt. I

Either Arsenal won't sign any players, or the signings they do make will disappoint the fans.

It's been a largely disappointing season for the Gunners, and while the fans will want manager Arsene Wenger to splash the cash to strengthen the squad, such a move would go against his character (especially since it would be twice in a row).

The Gunners are being linked with Borussia Dortmund's Lucas Barrios, but their rumored move for Lukas Podolski seems to have fizzled. But seriously, Lucas Barrios?

If you're an Arsenal fan, don't get your hopes up.

Arsenal Fans Will Be Disappointed, Pt. II

Arsenal's Russian midfielder Andrey Arshavin received a rough welcome from the Arsenal fans when he came on as a substitute last Sunday against Manchester United.

Then he promptly handed United the winning goal.

So. The fans want Arshavin out. And the players don't seem to care for him either.

Arsene Wenger, of course, loves him. That means Arshavin is staying.

Manchester United Won't Make a Major Signing

As our own Will Tidey has pointed out, English champions in recent years (re: Manchester United) haven't tended to spend in the January transfer window. Whether or not United will win the title this season is up for debate, but what's more certain is that United won't make any major signings on deadline day.

Signing players this time of year is considered more risky because the top players are often cup-tied and all players take time to fit in with their new teams. And while Manchester United are experiencing a somewhat apocalyptic injury crisis right now, Sir Alex Ferguson hasn't seemed all that bothered by it.

But, hey, he did bring back Paul Scholes.

The Samba-Blackburn Situation Will Get Catty

Blackburn Rovers defender Christopher Samba casts an imposing figure on the pitch. Off it, he sounds like a whiny brat.

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"When a couple don't get on they get a divorce, and that's what me and Blackburn have to do," he told The Sun. "Blackburn need players who are 100% for the club, and I'm not.

"The only way to solve this is for them to let me go. It will be very difficult for me to play for this team again. I'm at the end of the road here. I'm not going to change so, for their good and mine, they must sell me now."

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Granted, this story originated in The Sun, a publication that has roughly the same amount of credibility with its readers that Newt Gingrich has with his second ex-wife. But there's a lot of smoke here, and where there's smoke there's a cat-fight on deadline day.

Leicester City Will Be on the Phone with Aston Villa

Word around town is that Emile Heskey will be available for free in the summer. That can only mean one thing.

Leicester City, Heskey's club from the glory days (see below) of 1994-2000, will be banging down the doors of Aston Villa, Heskey's current club.

Hey, it's never too soon to bid on Emile William Ivanhoe Heskey.

Eljero Elia to Newcastle

Newcastle United missed out on signing Dutch winger Eljero Elia last summer. Now they might be able to take him on loan from Juventus.

Just call it a hunch, but we think this deal is gonna happen.

Speculation over MLS Loanees

Thierry Henry is on loan at Arsenal from the New York Red Bulls. Landon Donovan and Robbie Keane (LA Galaxy) are with Everton and Aston Villa, respectively.

On deadline day, we'll see nearly constant speculation over whether they'll stay in England on permanent deals. (Hint: they won't.)

Oh, wait. The rumors have already started.

One Last Paycheck

One formerly great player will secure a move to either the United States or the Middle East for one last paycheck.

Here's a good candidate.

Maradona Will Freak Out

Speaking of the Middle East, Diego Maradona is making headlines for feuding with the management of the team he's currently managing.

Maradona is reportedly on the shortlist for the UAE job, so don't be surprised if he does something insane on deadline day like signing his daughter for €25 million.

High Drama over Pogba

Paul Pogba is an 18-year-old French midfielder who's currently on the books at Manchester United.

Contract negotiations have stalled between Pogba and United, and several clubs have moved to Defcon-1 in an effort to secure his signature.

Expect to see some Cuban Missile Crisis-level dealings over Pogba on deadline day.

Wilfried Zaha to Leave Crystal Palace

Wilfried Zaha is an Ivorian striker who currently plays for Crystal Palace in the Championship, English football's second tier. We don't think he'll be there for long.

Bolton, Newcastle United, Stoke City and Liverpool have all reportedly expressed interest. Despite what his captain says, Zaha would be a fool to stay.

Intense Speculation over Zaha's Teammate, Too

Zaha isn't the only Crystal Palace player being linked with a move to a bigger club. Defender Nathaniel Clyne, 20, has been linked with a move, with Manchester United reportedly interested.

Problem is, we don't think United will actually sign anyone (flip back a few slides). But that won't stop the rumor mill from going into overdrive.

Santos and Porto Will Go to the Wire on Ganso

Paulo Henrique Ganso, a 22-year-old Brazilian midfielder, is reportedly on the verge of a move to Porto. The only problem seems to be the fee.

But it's a big problem. Santos reportedly told Porto to add a zero to their bid.

One Transfer Will Sneak Up on Everyone

The rumor mill never stops. But it often misses a deal or two.

Every transfer window, there's at least one deal that flies under the radar until the player is sighted taking his medical. Last time it was Per Mertesacker-to-Arsenal, a deal almost no one saw coming.

Who will it be this time? We probably haven't even heard the rumor yet.

Harry Redknapp Will Make Some Noise

Harry Redknapp has cultivated a reputation for wheeling and dealing at the transfer deadline.

He might not sign anyone this time on deadline day, but he'll be linked with at least one move for a mega-star. Last time it was Kaká. This time it'll be someone just as unlikely.

Guaranteed.

El Hamdaoui to Italy

Moroccan international striker Mounir El Hamdaoui, who spent a year at Tottenham and had been linked with Everton, is set to sign instead with Fiorentina of Italy's Serie A.

Sorry, Everton fans. Your club still won't sign anyone.

Tweet, Tweet

You've got to hand it to Twitter. The social networking website has revolutionized the way news cycle works and the way players interact with fans.

It has also added even another dimension of crazy to the world football rumor mill.

Last time Twitter gave us breathless updates on Wesley Sneijder boarding imaginary planes to Manchester. This time, it's telling us that Carlos Tevez is heading to West Ham.

But that's nothing. Get ready for Twitter to bring the crazy on Tuesday.

Bayern Fans Will Riot

That is, if their club's bigwigs pull another stunt like they did the other day.

Think American fans are insane? Well, they are, but Bayern fans might whip out the huevos on an unsuspecting owner if that happens again.

Honda Hits the Road

Japanese midfielder Keisuke Honda, 25, is being strongly linked with a move from CSKA Moscow to Lazio. But he's being awfully passive-aggressive about the whole thing.

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"It's no longer possible to say that Serie A is the best league in the world," he added. "And compared to previous years the quality has definitely gone down. But it's still the hardest league in the world to succeed in as an attacker, with such stiff defending. As a challenge it appeals to me, personally."

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Whatever floats your boat, dude.

Count Us Out

The mainstream media will feel the need to tell us exactly how much money (gasp!) the 20 Premier League clubs spent in the transfer window.

Arsene Wenger will moan. No one will care.

Endless Summer

Before the January transfer window closes, summertime speculation will begin.

Big-name players like Eden Hazard, Mario Gotze and even Neymar could be on the move next summer, and we'll start hearing all about it before the current deadline day is out.

Actually, it has already started. And it won't stop until September—when the January transfer window heats back up.