WWE Royal Rumble 2012: The Rock, John Cena and Big Names Who Won't Rumble

'Tis the season for speculation and stimulation manufactured by the impending symphony of simulated group violence otherwise known as the Royal Rumble. 

The built-in speculation as to who will appear at the annual big four pay-per-view is synonymous with the Royal Rumble's intrigue. 

By now, countless inferences have been made as to who could possibly shock the world by making the very impromptu appearance that has come to define the Royal Rumble and in turn convince you to pay the hefty pay-per-view fee. 

This is not one of those lists. 

This year's Royal Rumble has taken an extra step in teasing wrestling fans by jiving that "every WWE Superstar is eligible" to appear in the Royal Rumble.  So it is feasible to believe that even in-house surprises like a current world champion appearing in the Royal Rumble—something I've suggested for years dating back to last year's crowded festivities—could come to fruition.  The possibilities are endless. 

Blame it on consummate pessimism or a lesser degree of difficulty in dashing already dimly-lit hopes, but given some of the big names that have been floating around the ubiquitously prodding dirt sheet medium, it's time we infuse some Royal Rumble speculation with perspective. 

The Undertaker

If the Undertaker were a loaf of bread in an oven, he'd be golden brown but still with some doughy parts in the middle. 

The Undertaker's comeback could come as soon as Monday Night to coincide with the unwanted return of suit-wearing Triple H, and this would make sense. 

What wouldn't make as much sense would be to waste Taker's comeback on a Royal Rumble match that he really should not—and in all likelihood would not—logically win. 

Maybe the Undertaker could eliminate himself or disappear from view after an extended period of dominance, as has been previously suggested, but anything less than a Royal Rumble victory would render a would-be surprise appearance underwhelming and could hurt his mystique as quickly as it would magically be brought back. 

The Rock

Just imagine the Rock hitting the ring at No. 30, cleaning house and standing tall as the most unlikely Royal Rumble champion since John Cena's sudden comeback victory of 2008. 

Now come join us in reality for the remainder of this slide, because that's not going to happen.

The Rock and John Cena have spent the bulk of their feud focusing on each other and not the WWE Championship, save one backstage moment during the Rock's birthday celebration on RAW. 

It would seem too little, too late for the two men to all of a sudden decide that they would like their impending super scrimmage to be for the WWE Championship.  And the championship scramble that would be necessary for that to happen would dilute the title by the time it do-si-doed to Miami. 

The Rock winning the Royal Rumble would create a huge St. Louis pop and not much else.  Let's keep this simple.  The Fed had their chance to book a Cena-Rock championship match, and that ship sailed like Captain Schettino. 

John Cena

Cena will have engaged in a war with Kane and with another Rock-less month on tap, this feud will figure to continue. 

That means there will likely be an inconsequential finish with the Kane and John Cena match prior to the Royal Rumble, and a subsequent Cena appearance in the Rumble would really hinder Kane's monster mystique. 

I'm not as confident in saying that Cena won't appear in the Royal Rumble, because given how Kane has been gassed up on TV, he could just as easily succumb to Cena's persistent square-jawed heroics.  Should Cena conquer Kane on his first try, a Royal Rumble appearance may not be out of the question after all.  

Kevin Nash

Kevin Nash is the ultimate worker, but I actually believe him on Twitter when he says he will not be competing in this year's Royal Rumble.  

One huge Boston pop for "Diesel" in last year's Royal Rumble match fueled an ensuing part-time return to the WWE, but unfortunately, his run would soon fizzle out. 

The intrigue on Kevin Nash in the WWE peaked the minute his feet touched the floor in the 2011 Royal Rumble after being eliminated by Wade Barrett.

Triple H

How nonsensical would it be to have Triple H "surprise" people at the Royal Rumble after it was announced that he will return as Chief Operating Officer for an employee evaluation on RAW? 

The effect from onlooking fans would be something along the lines of "OK, great, it's Triple H.  Glad to see ya, but aren't you a little early?  I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow night, which is why none of the beds are made up..." 

Barring severely self-destructive over-thinking by the creative team, Triple H is expected to face the Undertaker at WrestleMania.  Therefore, neither man should appear in the Royal Rumble match, as the resumption of their 2001 2011 feud should come about a bit more organically. 

Brock Lesnar

Now that Brock Lesnar has retired from the UFC and a drunk Dana White said it would be cool for him to return to the WWE, he's all systems go for the first major payday he can wrap his size 4XLs around, right? 

Wrong.

Brock Lesnar shouldn't be anywhere near this WrestleMania season, regardless of his availability.  With the Rock already on the bill and Shaq heavily rumored to come aboard, that would be like trying to kill the proverbial ant with a sledgehammer as this year's lineup is loaded as is. 

Lesner needs to be hunting, healing and humping (what?  He's married to Sable, lives in the woods and doesn't watch television, what else do you think they do?) as he patiently awaits an almost inevitable WWE return come WrestleMania XXIX.

Rob Van Dam

The WWE recently showed their brute force by announcing Ric Flair for their Hall of Fame despite the fact that he was under contract with rival promotion TNA. 

With Rob Van Dam all but done with TNA, would the Fed dare show similar audacity in working out some type of sweetheart deal in having Van Dam make his third-career surprise entrance at the Royal Rumble?

Common sense says no, and while a Van Dam return seems to be a safe bet, he'll likely have to ride out the remainder of his TNA contract—which, according to Wrestling News World, expires in March—from the sidelines. 

Zack Ryder

Kane's long, drawn-out beatdown of Zack Ryder this past week on the RAW Supershow meant a lot of things. 

It means he won't be appearing on WWE TV for weeks, it means he won't be hosting his popular Internet show for weeks (sabotage?) and, most importantly, it means Long Island Iced Z won't be appearing in the Royal Rumble at all. 

Ryder's rise to prominence in 2011 brought him from losing dark matches to getting beaten up in the main event.  And the latest see-no-evil-style blitzkrieg at the hands of Kane has set fire to any chance of Zack Ryder fist-pumping his way to a Royal Rumble victory, let alone a cameo. 

Watch Big Nasty's latest entry on B/R video, and follow Big Nasty on Twitter @ThisIsNasty.