An Email to Tim Tebow from the Devil

Dear Tim,

What’s up, Tim?!? I gotta admit, I’m a pretty big fan. I’ve been absolutely dying to meet you—in fact I’ve tried a time or two, but you kinda ignored me. But that’s OK, man, we all are busy!

Anyway, the reason I’m emailing you is because I just wanted to let you know something: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WIN.

I know that sounded a little harsh, and I really didn’t want to sound negative, but I’m a pretty competitive guy and I don’t like to lose (who do you think gave MJ and Tiger their competitive streaks?). Now obviously I can’t win ALL the time, I mean, that would be a little obvious right?

But in your case, I consider your not winning a Super Bowl as a starting quarterback to be a win, and I will do everything I can to keep it that way. After all, Tim, I can’t have such a religious man win the BIG one. That would just make me look bad!

Now please, don’t get me wrong. I like you, and believe it or not I’m kinda cheering for you. After all, your staying relevant is good for my business.

You’ve added a spark to this whole crazy religion argument that I just get a kick out of.  YOU, my friend, have managed to annoy the general population to a level I have never seen, and this is from a guy that gave the world Steve Urkel, and most recently The Jersey Shore.

But you wanna know the funniest part? A large reason for the annoyance is due to your convictions, to your love, to your FAITH.

Ain’t that a hoot?!? I think so, at least. People are actually arguing over prayer. I love it! Hell, even Saturday Night Live did a skit where your boy JC had to distance from you because you’re beginning to give him a bad rap! Funny, funny stuff, my man.

But there’s something I don’t get. I’ve seen A LOT of athletes across the world that begin their interviews by thanking the “Lord,” or “Allah” or whatever. Even extremely popular athletes have expressed their faith on the field.

Ray Lewis does it. Deion Sanders used to get on his knees and open his arms out wide, praising the lord after a glorious play.

But it’s YOUR prayer, Tim. It’s you that is the problem.

There was a time when being a clean-cut, All-American, religious white guy (CCAARWG for short) was all the rage. That era is dead.

CCAARWG’s just aren’t “hip.” Not in your sport, or in any other for that matter. I can’t name you the last CCAARWG that was a megastar in the movie or music industry. Heck, even John Cena is having problems with the WWE crowd.

Face the facts, buddy. You really think it’s because of your throwing motion and the way you play? Freakin’ Vince Young, who has the mental capacity of a squirrel and throws the ball like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, went Top 3 in the draft!

Mike Vick couldn’t throw a legit NFL pass early in his career and made a name for himself making plays with his feet. People used to praise the fact that “all he does is win!” Ain’t that what you’ve been doing, bud?

You realize, your own “Executive VP of Football Operations” John Elway and your coach tiptoe around questions regarding your future as if they were two teenage girls coming home after being out past curfew?

Do you really think being named the Week 1 starter actually means something? It’s clear they are willing to pull you at a moment’s notice.  

Can you name me another starting QB that had to deal with reports of their backup getting practice reps, and that they should be prepare to step in? YOU’RE THE REASON THIS TEAM IS EVEN IN THE PLAYOFFS, AND THIS IS THE THANKS YOU GET?!?

Well at least you have Broncos fans and the Christian community cheering you on, although ever since I legalized medicinal marijuana in Colorado, those fans have been "mile high" in a totally different sense.

I’m sure they will even turn on you quicker than Kim on Kris, the moment they sober up and realize that you are not winning enough for their liking (and fans are NEVER satisfied).

Well, I’ve rambled on long enough. I want you to know I’ve got your back. I think we should talk.

You may laugh at that idea now, but after you lose to my lover Bill Belichick and all the hate gets poured onto you at a more magnified level, I’ll be here.

Also, if you can, please “like” me on Facebook and “follow” me on Twitter (I’m trying to gain more followers than Lady Gaga).

P.S. I have lovers of all races, genders and colors. I hope that does not affect us doing business due to your convictions. After all, Tim, I don’t judge you.

-The Devil

Sent From My iPad