1 Gift for Every NHL Team This Holiday Season
The holiday season always coincides with some turning points in the NHL season. We're starting to get a feel for which teams are playoff locks, which squads are actual bubble teams, and which teams should probably start tanking for a certain forward who is currently tearing it up at Boston University.
Let's take a moment to think about where each franchise is at this season, what each contender needs to go a little bit further come the playoffs, and which teams simply cannot be fixed.
Here's one gift I'd give every NHL team.
Atlantic Division
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Boston Bruins: A top-six forward
Someone sound the alarms: The Bruins are on a two-game losing streak and are 5-2-3 in their last 10. They're still sitting atop the Atlantic with a 19-5-6 record—and yes, there's been some untimely injuries and illnesses. But recent trends show the Bruins could probably use some of what they had to give up in the offseason: one more piece of high-end talent on offense.
Toronto Maple Leafs: A break on defense
Look, there are several reasons the Leafs are allowing an average of 3.24 goals per game. It stinks beyond belief that they went out and got John Klingberg, after which he struggled and got hurt. It stinks even more that goalie Matt Murray's comeback attempts have been thwarted by injury, and that now Joseph Woll is out after gaining some steam. But this blue line is struggling, and the Leafs have to figure something out on defense if they are to contend for a Cup this season.
Florida Panthers: An invisibility cloak
Remember when the Panthers were the world's best-kept secret, with so much depth seemingly coming out of nowhere to score? Now we know those guys, and although the Panthers have been great this season—especially without Matthew Tkachuk on fire—I bet sometimes they wish they could go back to when their depth felt like a secret.
Detroit Red Wings: An Yzeranswer
Yzerwill or Yzerwont they? The Red Wings have lost seven of their last eight games after getting back on track from their last bout of inconsistency. Coincidentally, this implosion is happening right as Detroit signed Patrick Kane—this is not on Kane, this is on an inconsistent team and bad goaltending followed by no goaltending.
But the signing of Kane in itself indicated a vote of confidence from the front office that the team could make a run this season. Will the Wings pack it up or ride this bad stretch out?
Tampa Bay Lightning: A spotlight
In complete opposite fashion to their neighbors in South Florida, it's odd that it seems Nikita Kucherov's ridiculous start to the season is somehow flying under the radar. He is first in the NHL with 54 points and third with 22 goals. I certainly wouldn't disrespect him if I were you.
Montreal Canadiens: An anti-tanking union
The Canadiens are pretty bad, at sixth in the Metro with a 14-13-4 record. But they aren't quite bad enough to be the worst team in the league, the conference, or even the division. It doesn't feel fair that they'll get punished for this in the draft lottery.
Buffalo Sabres: A good cry
Maybe next year, friends.
Ottawa Senators: Some humble pie
There was a lot of talk in the offseason about how this Senators team was going to bring the franchise back to glory, and I contributed to this discourse. Senators fans were adamant that the team was being slept on. Well, I wish I had taken more melatonin, as the team sits with an 11-17-0 record.
Metropolitan Division
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New York Rangers: A digital camera
I once interviewed the Hurricanes' Cup-winning 2006 team, and of all the fun anecdotes, one stood out: The digital camera that current Rangers head coach Peter Laviolette gave to Chad LaRose.
"Midway through the season all of a sudden Lavy hands (then-rookie) Chad LaRose a camera," Aaron Ward told me. "And he made Rosey swear to never disclose why he had the camera. Honestly, I feel bad to this day. We just lit him up. … We couldn't figure out why the hell he had this camera. We called him 'Superfan' because he was always taking pictures of us.
"But the cool thing was, Lavy had already thought halfway through the season that this team had something special and he wanted to create something that come playoff time we could commemorate and immortalize the journey we went through. Rosey got all these pictures of the special things we were doing, in the trenches of guys getting together at the dinners that mattered the most. Laviolette made this hilarious pre-playoff video that was epic, but it took Rosey taking all that abuse. It took a lot for a rookie to shut his mouth and not tell the truth why he had that camera, and we learned to appreciate what that kid did to capture that for us."
Seems like Laviolette has something up his sleeve with the No. 1 Rangers as well.
Philadelphia Flyers: A John Tortorella contract extension
The kids love Torts, and it's showing with an 18-11-3 record, some positive comments in the media, and a No. 2 spot in the Metro that not many predicted. I don't think the kids these days are "soft." I think there's a difference between being screamed at by a coach who is blaming you for his shortcomings versus a coach who believes in you so much that he isn't going to lie when he's disappointed in you. Seems like some honesty and belief are going a long way for these Flyers.
New York Islanders: An overtime win
I so wish any other team than the Islanders had nine overtime losses right now, so we could have a different discourse about the NHL point system. Unfortunately for us, the Islanders are tied for No. 2 in the Metro with nine overtime losses, and no one is allowed to talk about it without Islanders fans calling it a conspiracy against them.
This is what I love about Islanders fans, by the way, and I hope the Isles ride their nine overtime points to the Stanley Cup Final. I kind of think this is what Islanders fans want, too. For the record: The rules are the rules, and I'm not blaming the Islanders for this situation—if anything I'm praising them for a good goaltending foundation. But it's not a personal affront to you if your situation is an example of the point system's imperfection.
Carolina Hurricanes: One splurge
The Hurricanes' front office is brilliant in the way it optimizes every single contract. But when was the last time a team won the Cup without at least one star being "overpaid." I'm begging Tom Dundon to let Don Waddell "overpay" for a goalie and give this team some stability. There's no reason to panic, but why must panic constantly lurk when it comes to this team?
Washington Capitals: Alexander Ovechkin Continuing to Score
Ovechkin was riding a career-worst 14-game goal-less streak, his biggest drought since a 10-game goalless streak in 2017 until Thursday's winner vs. Columbus. It's such an outlier that it isn't exactly time to panic yet—there's a solid chance he'll bounce back and end his career with a shiny, new, NHL goals record. The shots and chances are coming, and it's not like he's struggling in a vacuum considering the team around him. But it's unpleasant to watch the greatest contemporary goal scorer struggle even momentarily.
New Jersey Devils: A star goalie
As an objective viewer of the Devils, I'm having fun. I love a high-scoring, come-from-behind type game. I love a good power-play execution (the best in the league, in fact). I love it when a budding star keeps scoring goals.
But if I'm a Devils fan, I hate the lack of reliability this team has on defense, and the defensive lapses are largely caused by inconsistent goaltending. It's painful to see such an electric offense deflated by comeback losses and an average of 3.53 goals against per game. The worst goals-against averages in the league, in order: Sharks, Blue Jackets, Blackhawks, Devils.
Which of these things is not like the other?
Pittsburgh Penguins: A power-play coach
It's not every day that the Pittsburgh Penguins have a bottom-of-the-barrel power play, with a 14.4 percent conversion rate. It's not even most days—, you can usually depend on this team to deliver on the man advantage even when it isn't at the top of the league, and you'd think Erik Karlsson would only enhance this.
The strange thing is none of the top performers on the Penguins are playing poorly. I'm generally hesitant to place blame on "coaching" or "systems" when it's usually about personnel, but when you watch this Penguins team and its best players on the man advantage, they look restrained.
Columbus Blue Jackets: The green light
What if the Blue Jackets fully gave up and let the young players log real minutes? From the start of this season to now, Columbus has made some weird decisions and suffered the consequences. It might be time to give in and let the future light shine in via Adam Fantilli and the rest of the youngins'.
Central Division
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Dallas Stars: Some respect
We know the drill at this point: Each year, we are inundated with discourse about how X player on X small-market team in a playoff spot is the most "underrated player in the league." This was a tradition long reserved for the Florida Panthers and Aleksander Barkov, then for the Hurricanes and Jaccob Slavin, then for the Dallas Stars with Jason Robertson.
Congratulations to the Dallas Stars once again, because next year the underrated player discourse will come via defenseman Thomas Harley. And congratulations to Dallas reporter Saad Yousuf on referring to Harley's situation as "NHL circles dialogue purgatory."
It's time to start admitting that "underrated players" are often players you don't really watch, and it's well past time to start watching the No. 1 team in the Central.
Colorado Avalanche: A trip to the sauna
Was Artturi Lehkonen's dad, Ismo, wrong when he called out Artturi's Avalanche teammate Mikko Rantanen for a slower start to the season? No. Was it a little too harsh and public for comfort? Perhaps. Did Rantanen immediately have a three-point night and call Ismo right back out after the fact? Yes. Has he gone on a tear ever since, now well over a point per game? Also yes.
Then you've got Devon Toews' latest statement as the Avalanche are 4-5-1 in their last 10 including a loss to the Blackhawks.
Look, the Avalanche are still tied for second in the Central with 40 points, and just one point out of first place. One sweaty hug in a Finnish sauna, a few Long Drinks and a firm handshake could squash this drama.
Winnipeg Jets: A right-handed defenseman
Imagine this team with Dustin Byfuglien. I'm sorry.
Nashville Predators: The gabagool
Pretty boy Vincenzo, aka Luke Evangelista, deserves the gabagool after the team put him on blast with this nameplate.
Arizona Coyotes: A plot of land in Phoenix
The Coyotes are reportedly "finalizing the purchase" of land in the city of Phoenix with plans to build the team's new arena there and announce the whole thing in January, according to TSN's Darren Dreger.
Things continue to look up in Arizona.
St. Louis Blues: Fake crowd noise
But will the fake crowd be boo-ing or cheering?
Minnesota Wild: An Unlimited Fund for Marc-Andre Fleury
Whether Marc-Andre Fleury is playing a prank and replacing old teammate Kris Letang's helmet, or is raising tens of thousands for Indigenous communities, the Wild need to give him a blank check. He is an unlimited pit of goodwill and good vibes even when the Wild are not, and they're lucky he's currently the face of the franchise.
Chicago Blackhawks: An IOU for Connor Bedard
"Name a player, any player, and we'll get him for you in the offseason." —Kyle Davidson to Connor Bedard, hopefully.
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Pacific Division
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Vegas Golden Knights: A $10 Starbucks gift card
What do you get the girl who has everything?
Vancouver Canucks: One (1) playoff appearance
The Canucks have the best offense in the league and one of the best goaltending situations with Thatcher Demko and Casey DeSmith both doing their part and exceeding expectations in the tandem.
With these Canucks, it's not a case of over-performance that will regress. It's like years of unsavory results (not always unsatisfactory play) from players like Brock Boeser and J.T. Miller turned into performances we always thought they were capable of.
Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, Canucks fans can take solace in the fact that every shoe, every sock, every glove and every boot has curb-stomped the ground already. There's nothing to fear except fear itself and owner Francesco Aquilini. Actually, that's pretty scary.
Los Angeles Kings: A trip to Pheonix Copley's hometown
So, Copley hasn't had the best follow-up in net after his fun run last season. He hasn't played in almost two weeks after two poor performances and sub-.900 save percentages to show for it. That's OK. He's from North Pole, Alaska, and I'm sure his people can make some arrangements to improve the vibes for 2024.
Calgary Flames: A Jonathan Huberdeau heater
A Jonathan Huberdeau heater might fix everything for the Flames, and it might fix a few things for Huberdeau himself. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like this is going to be his bounce-back season. He's posted a 0-0-0 line in his last five games. He's got four goals, 15 points and a minus-14 in 32 games so far this season. His projected 10 goals and 38 points would be his worst since 2016-17, in which his season was cut short due to injury.
You look at Huberdeau's stats, and the $10.5 million average annual value for a decade was on overpay. That 2021-22 season with the Panthers was an outlier, and it's sort of ridiculous to expect him to put up 115 points ever again. It just leaves us all in an uncomfortable spot.
Seattle Kraken: A sense of self
It's fine that the youngest team in the NHL is having an identity crisis. The Kraken were far ahead of schedule making it to the second round of the playoffs last season. Now it's time to figure out who they are, with some confusingly good goaltending performances a la Joey Daccord in the mix.
Edmonton Oilers: Baby Jesus himself
Merry Christmas, Edmonton! You already have McJesus and you still can't figure it out. Maybe Baby Jesus himself can convince ownership to go in a different direction with the front office. What else is there left to do?
Anaheim Ducks: A time machine
Give this team—Leo Carlsson, Pavel Mintyukov, Mason McTavish, Trevor Zegras (once the curse is released)—five years, and we're watching the most fun team in the history of the NHL go on a Cup run. Patience, my dears, patience.
San Jose Sharks: Macklin Celebrini
Come on. They deserve it. What other team opened up regularly losing by 10 goals per game, then made us all laugh on social media, then went on an exciting run? They sold the tank, and now the players are selling some effort, and no matter what happens—they're trying to do something.
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