New York Jets: Why I Should Be Hired As the Offensive Coordinator (Satire)

Cole TesslerCorrespondent IJanuary 24, 2011

SAN DIEGO - JANUARY 17:  Quarterback Mark Sanchez #6 of the New York Jets speaks with offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer during the AFC Divisional Playoff Game against the San Diego Chargers at Qualcomm Stadium on January 17, 2010 in San Diego, California.  (Photo by Donald Miralle/Getty Images)
Donald Miralle/Getty Images

Hey, my name is Cole Tessler. I am 18 and from Connecticut. I am putting this out there so the Jets can hire me as their offensive coordinator 'cause let's face it, Brian Schottenheimer is incapable.  And after that horrible performance against the Steelers I'm taking matters into my own hands. Here are my credentials and why I should be hired as the Jets offensive coordinator.

1. I will give Cromartie weekly quizzes on his children's names, who's there mom, and what state they were born in. Tests will either be matching or multiple choice.

2. If Mark Sanchez ever tried to pull a Jay Cutler and come out because of a torn MCL I would get a baseball bat and use tough love until he wanted to go back in. That's how champions are bred on my offense.

3. I know what to do on 2nd-and-1 on the goal line.

4. I hold my league flag football record in touchdowns in a game. I can teach Sanchez so many things. I will mold him into the David Hasselhoff of quarterbacks.

5. I would make every Thursday "Dirty Sanchez Day." Everyone must come to practice with a sombrero and a fake mustache. Team morale would soar. 

6. When hott female reporters come to our practice-field,I will make sure they expect to be harrased

7. I would award everyone a nickname, and not lousy ones—they would all be proud to have their nicknames. Such as Stonewall Mangold, Nerves of Steel Holmes, Sperminator Cromartie.

8. Never coached a down in my life but I am a three-time Super Bowl winner on Madden Head Coach. I own that game. Can't be much different than the NFL, right?

9. I know the strengths and weaknesses of the Jets. For example I know that on 2nd-and-1 on the goal line with the best offensive line in the league you run the ball twice and get the ball in the end zone.

10. I'm 18, committed and have a lot of years left.

11. I would hang banners of Teddy Roosevelt all over the Jets facility, since he's a boss like Rex Ryan.

12. Teach Bart Scott the secrets of patience and how to wait.

13. Rex and I would chill a lot and form a chemistry between the offense and defense like no other. I would raz him on occasion about his foot fetish by saying foot pun's and ask about his wife's feet.

14. I own a Mark Brunnell Jets jersey.

15. My nickname is Eagle Eye can you not hire someone with that nickname.

16. I also run a Madden franchise; I have led the Jets to five Super Bowls in 20 years. The Jets haven't won one since the Vietnam War.

17. It's time for a change—they don't call me "curse-breaker Tessler" for nothing.

18. I have 40 shares of Ford stock. I'll use some of that money to sign needed free agents. And throw parties for Jets players.

19. I know calculus, it might be useful somewhere. Maybe Mark Sanchez needs help with his math homework—BAM—I'm there to help him.

20. I would walk up and down the sidelines with a Louisville Slugger and aviator sunglasses.

21. I would get Braylon Edwards a mobile breathalyzer.

22. I know football.

23. I would give every Jets fan a signed picture of Erik Estrada.

Those are my credentials. Please rally for me so I can get hired. Thanks.