New York Knicks Declare Commitment to Underwhelming Seasons
New York, NY (WI-OH SportsNet) — Confirming prior suspicions and months of poorly-kept secrets and rumors, the New York Knicks recently announced their intentions to blow the NBA's 2010 offseason "bonanza" of free agency in any way possible.
"Don't worry about it," Knicks team president of basketball operations Donnie Walsh told a group of reporters at an eagerly-anticipated "Disbelieve In 2010-11" media event this morning. "Whatever you weren't expecting us to achieve, we've got you covered."
Recalling the team's recent history, marked by constant underachieving and implosions in team chemistry despite the varying presences of large names, Walsh promised similar behavior heading into the aforementioned free agency bonanza.
"Amar'e [Stoudemire]? YEAH!" Walsh shouted to a fired-up crowd, complete with Stoudemire himself in a Knicks uniform, before continuing.
"LeBron? YEAH! Bosh? WHY THE HELL NOT?!?" Walsh shouted, throwing off audible amounts of excitement. "The Knicks have a long-standing tradition of nurturing feuding divas, and it'd only be a stain to our legacy and to you, the fans, if we were to do any differently."
"A really bad stain, too," Walsh quickly followed up. "You know, pizza sauce and wine-bad."
Reaction from the rest of the NBA was mixed at the time of writing.
While some cellar-dwellers, such as the New Jersey Nets, were reportedly worried about a possible challenge to their status as the worst team in basketball, the Chicago Bulls reportedly took comfort in the lack of a foreseeable challenge to their status as the most statistically-average team in the entire Eastern Conference.
"Don't worry about that either, Jerry," Walsh assured Bulls team president Jerry Reinsdorf, referencing the Bulls' 41-41 record in the 2009-10 season as a claim to their "average" throne. "We're committed to breeding a new generation of children who play NBA Live '99 just to experience the last time the Knicks had a rating higher than 80 in a video game."
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