Dear Diary: Worst. Trade. Ever. (Satire)

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Dear Diary: Worst. Trade. Ever. (Satire)
Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

posted by All Flyers
Special to All Habs

Dear Diary,

I'm sad.

Disconsolate, actually. Filled with dread.

I am so heart-broken. My favorite player was traded yesterday. I'm so depressed that I haven't even updated my website today: michaelleightonisagod.com

Well, we treat Michael Leighton like a god because he deserves it, dammit!

After the amazing playoff run of my beloved Flyers, I even registered a new domain: michaelleightonisasupremedeity.com

I was going to make the transition to the new site this summer. I had plans to sell subscriptions. Given that Michael Leighton was the sole reason that the Flyers made it to the Stanley Cup finals, I knew it would be so popular.

Oh, Hi Mom. She came down with my favorite Philly cheese steak from Pat's to try to cheer me up.  I'm not in the mood. But the thing is, there was chocolate milk on the tray! Doesn't she know that chocolate milk is Michael's favorite?

I wonder if he will be able to get it in Montreal? Do they have chocolate milk in Canada?

Just thought of something. What am I going to do with all those orange stop signs in the garage with Leighton's name on them? Dad is going to kill me if I don't get rid of them.

One thing for sure, I'm never listening to 97.5 The Fanatic again. It's just a reminder of how much I miss Michael. Even those radio guys couldn't understand the trade.

The hosts say that Leighton stole every playoff series that we won. He is the ONLY reason. They are so right! Okay, I won't admit this to anyone, but I thought that Ville Leino, Danny Briere, and Chris Pronger had something to do with it as well.

But those guys on the radio are so smart, so they must know for sure. And they are such huge Michael Leighton fans. I'm going to make a note to ask them to buy a stop sign.

I remember when I heard the trade news. I honestly thought it was a joke. But the sad truth is that Paul Holmgren is a joke.

All we got was prospects. Two nobodies.

So we got P.K. Subban. He's a top prospect? Yeah, right! Then why did he play all season in the AHL? Honestly, I expected we would get at least Cammalleri for Leighton.

And if Leighton had won the Conn Smythe, I would have demanded Cammalleri AND Markov. Michael's name was mentioned for the trophy, you know. Unfortunately, he got pulled a few times. But those goals against him were soooooo lucky.

The rest of the time, he carried the Flyers on his back!

I heard that the Canadiens tried to pawn off some other guy but Holmgren stuck to his demand for Subban. Who the hell is Louis Leblanc anyway? He plays for Harvard. Oh, there's a hockey hotbed.

And the other guy in the deal is Mac Bennett. I've never even heard of him. They say he's a real project. Who knows when or if he'll make it to the NHL?

Just wait, in 10 years Holmgren is really going to regret this trade.

I read in the Philadelphia Inquirer that Michael's agent was going to ask for too much money. Four or five million dollars for the way he played is totally worth it. So what if the Flyers have to give up Mike Richards to afford him?

Besides, if it was just about money, all Flyers fans should have just chipped in two dollars each and we would have enough to keep him. For sure!

Maybe I should get some people together. We can make signs. Then we'll march all the way down Broad Street from City Hall to the Wachovia Center and protest to get Leighton back. Or maybe we can get Holmgren fired.

Leighton was the only player worth battling traffic on the Blue Route and the Schuylkill Expressway to see play at the Wachovia Center.

Oh my god! I just saw something on Twitter. All Leighton merchandise at the Flyers Fan gear shop is 50 percent off. I think I'm going to cry!

This is like the final stab in the back for Michael.

And this will go down in Flyers history as the worst trade ever.

This is way worse than the Lindros trade. We gave up Peter Forsberg, Steve Duschene, Kerry Huffman, Mike Ricci, Ron Hextall, Chris Simon, our 1993 first round draft choice (Jocelyn Thibault), our 1994 first round draft choice (Nolan Baumgartner), and $15,000,000 to get Eric Lindros.

But giving up Michael. Don't they know he is THE Michael Leighton? He is our hero!

Worst. Trade. Ever.

I'm so angry I might burn down Boathouse Row!

Poor Michael. Did he do the Rocky Run up the Art Museum steps? Did he have a chance to visit Independence Hall? Did he take a few photos at Love Park?

Crap! I never got a chance to have him sign my jersey.

On a positive note, the ad on eBay looks good. Yeah, I'm selling my Flyers' fan support. Maybe I'll be a Islanders fan. Don't they have some orange in their uniform? Or where did Scottie Upshall get traded? Phoenix, yeah that's the new team for me.

Or maybe I'll really piss people off and become a Penguins fan. That will show them!

I love you Michael!!


Author's note:

Did you find this article absurd? You should.

The sad thing is that most of the phrases were taken from web forums and Twitter about the Jaroslav Halak trade. I simply replaced Halak's name with 'Leighton.'

With Halak having reached the status of cult hero in Montreal, the comments about him and his trade to St. Louis have become more and more outrageous.

Let's hope that this article helps shift the perspective of the discussion to something more realistic and grounded.

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