Fake Fan Attempts Suicide After Celtics, Red Sox Lose

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Fake Fan Attempts Suicide After Celtics, Red Sox Lose
(Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

A local man was found lying in a ditch on the side of the road late Sunday evening after an apparent suicide attempt.

The man, unidentified at the time, was discovered unconscious covered in dirt and tears, wearing a Paul Pierce Boston Celtics jersey, a kelly green Boston Red Sox baseball cap, cargo shorts with deliberately placed holes in the fabric, and brown leather flip-flops.

After further inspection, a barbed wire tattoo was uncovered on the man’s right bicep. He also had his left ear pierced, which for the record is not considered the gay ear.

After taking the man to the hospital and discovering that he was in no way harmed by his brush with death, authorities began to question the details in front of them.

When asked how he ended up along side the road, the man insisted that he had leapt off a moving bandwagon in an attempt to end his life. Bandwagons haven’t been seen in these parts since the Oregon Trail days, making the man’s vehicular vernacular all the more peculiar.

The man then went on to explain that he simply could not stomach another errant Nick Green throw, or the in-frequencies of Paul Pierce’s offensive game. Sputtering incoherently, the man then tore off his Pierce jersey, removed his Red Sox cap, and tossed both items in the trash.

A fan of both the Celtics and Red Sox, the man admitted he was reacting irrationally to the same-day losses of both his favorite teams.

The Red Sox lost a Sunday afternoon contest to the Seattle Mariners after an error by Boston shortstop Nick Green set up the Mariners’ game-winning run. The loss resulted in a 2-1 series defeat to the Seattle ballclub.

The Celtics fell shortly thereafter in a decisive game seven matchup with the Orlando Magic. The victory by the Magic allowed them to advance to the Eastern Conference finals.

Medical personnel were preparing to release the victim of his own failed self-destruction to friends or family members as late as Monday morning, but no such individuals had yet to arrive.

The man, who could not vouch for having any personal acquaintances when interrogated, was finally claimed at approximately 11:00 AM PDT when a horse-drawn carriage emblazoned with the logo of the NBA’s Los Angeles Lakers arrived at the hospital.

Two men apparently of Chinese descent emerged from the carriage wearing Sun Yue jerseys, and promptly pronounced themselves guardians of the man in question. They handed him a Kobe Bryant replica t-shirt and told him to hop aboard. The man was last seen headed south towards California.

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