An Introspective and Humorous Look at Cole Hamels: Part Deux

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An Introspective and Humorous Look at Cole Hamels: Part Deux
(Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

...And now we return to our regularly scheduled broadcast. Yes, welcome back to part two of my two-part introspective look at Cole Hamels. So continuing our discussion on Cole Hamels, let me first start off by thanking the fine people at Cole Hamels Facts [dot] com.

So where did I leave off... oh, yeah the canonizing sainthood thing. If Cole Hamels was a country on his own, which he is, his chief export is/would be K's. Barack Obama did not run against John McCain, because all of the Red States voted for Cole Hamels.

On the hit television show 24, whenever protagonist Jack Bauer needs help, he calls Cole Hamels. You don't see Jack make the phone call, because it would shred Jack's credibility as a terrorist fighter.

In honor of Cole, the national speed limit will be set to 35.

Cole Hamels actually won the final presidential debate while winning the clinching game five of the NLCS. Cole Hamels is the only person who is legally allowed to hunt any animal from a helicopter. He just throws fastballs at them, and occasionally at Sarah Palin to make sure she understands the “law.”

When people consult Cole Hamels on things, he always says yes, and it's always good advice. Charles Darwin's Theory says, "Survival of the fittest." Cole Hamels's Theory says, "The Mets will lose to Cole Hamels."

Gotham has Batman and Robin. Philadelphia has Cole Hamels and Cole Hamels. Boston lost the last game of the ALCS on purpose.

Manny Ramirez called his old team and warned them about Cole Hamels making them look pathetic in front of a national audience.

Rick Ankiel lost his ability to throw strikes because he had a nightmare about Cole Hamels.

To save the country from financial crisis, whenever the DOW shows a downward trend Cole will throw a fastball. The DOW will immediately rise to its highest average ever. To commemorate Cole, the New York Stock Exchange will be renamed the Cole Hamels Stock Exchange.

The Phillies-Dodgers confrontation started when Shane Victorino heard Hiroki Kuroda say Cole Hamels isn't handsome. Manny Ramirez wears a wig made out of Cole's hair.  Therefore, all those lame Dodgers fans wearing those ridiculous fake dreadlocks are indirectly paying tribute to Cole.

That theory by some dead math guy states that: A squared + B squared= C squared. Well according to modern day math people, A squared + B squared = Cole Hamels.

The New England Patriots contacted Cole Hamels about being Tom Brady's replacement, but during his tryout Cole broke both of Randy Moss' hands with his amazing arm.

While in college, Cole Hamels's professor made him write a 1,000 word essay about the greatest leader in american history, he wrote COLE HAMELS five hundred times and managed to get and A++.

Cole Hamels doesn't lift weights like most people; that is... because he can't. They just don't make weight heavy enough to contain the guns of Cole Hamels. So instead of curling dumbells, Cole Hamels curls baby elephants.

When people need inspiration they pray to god. When Pedro Martinez needs inspiration, he looks at a baseball card of Cole Hamels, which he keeps in his hat. When Cole gets into fights, he punches people so hard that he breaks his own hand.

If Cole really wanted to, he could steal your girl and take care of business with her. He wouldn't do such things though, because he's Cole Hamels.

Chuck Norris ain't got nothing on Cole Hamels. In fact it is said that when Chuck Norris went out for Halloween, he went as Cole Hamels.

Superman may wear Tim Tebow pajamas when he goes to bed; keyword may. It is fact that Superman wears Cole Hamels pajamas when he goes to bed. Cole Hamels would soon be put to work for PSE&G because he always puts opposing batters' lights out.

When Cole gets Chinese takeout, he uses one chopstick. When he opens his fortune cookie, it says, "You're Cole Hamels. Lucky Numbers? You tell me".

By the time Cole has retired, they will have changed the best pitcher award from the Cy Young award, to the Cole Hamels award. Cole will win one Cy Young and 11 Cole Hamels.

Back to them math guys, they you can't divide by zero. But Cole Hamels can.

US intelligence thought they had proof that Iran was testing nuclear weapons, but in fact it was just the sound of Cole Hamels's fastball hitting a catcher's mitt in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Cole's changeup is so deadly that it used to be a federal offense. Cole had to get himself elected to the Supreme Court in order to change the law.

Look at the fact is that Cole Hamels isn't left-handed, he's just bored.

36 countries have national defense strategies designed to protect themselves against Cole's left arm. Those plans are futile. Did you know that as young kid, Cole Hamels once had 27 strikeouts. It was a Tee-ball league.

George Bush claimed that the federal government was monitoring Cole Hamels actions because, "Any man with a changeup that deceptive must be monitored for national security reasons." In actuality, Bush is afraid Hamels may attempt to have sex with his twin daughters. He already has, twice.

Upon hearing an ignorant fan leading and E-A-G-L-E-S cheer at a Phillies game, Cole Hamels approached the man and told him that he had lost the respect of Cole Hamels. The man was paralyzed with shame and died of hunger three weeks later.

Speaking of hunger, the famous Pat's and Geno's Steaks have since changed their respective named to Cole's and Hamels's out of genuine respect for Cole.

Alright here is are the final facts about Cole Hamels. Cole is so great that he makes suicide commit life. The only certainties in life are death, taxes, and Cole Hamels. Because of their effect on women, Cole Hamels's pitching reels are considered pornography in 35 countries.

Last but not least: Chase Utley was heard saying during the introductions at the HR Derby, "BOO ? F*&# You." He actually said, "NO COLE ? F&*# You."

So that is Cole Hamels* in brief. I could make a ten to twenty part miniseries article on who Cole Hamels really is. But I won't. But I will ask if anyone wants me to create a third and final article on Cole Hamels?

So the floor is open to you, the reader: "Should I make a part three about Cole Hamels?"

*Note: all facts and information are provided by CHF, Cole Hamels Facts [dot] com.

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