Toronto Raptors Sign Jar-Jar Binks

From March 10, 2009's edition of the Toronto Times:

In a ludicrous attempt to increase revenue for the organization, the NBA's Toronto Raptors have signed fictional Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones character Jar-Jar Binks to a five-game contract. The team's president and GM Bryan Colangelo stated that he had become increasingly poorer in the past couple of months and that he needed a way to boost revenue to support his trendy coke habit.

"Personally, I'm at the end of my rope, financially," said Colangelo. "I had to sell my hot air balloon and both of my life-size wax replicas of the Stay Puft Mashmallow man just to cover the nose candy."

Suprisingly, the public support of Colangelo's plan has been strong. A fan-based coalition has even been formed, and they plan on trying to prolong Jar-Jar's contract past the five games the creature has already agreed to. Even some of the local pubs and bars are getting into the act. Larz Kleemen, owner of the Cozy Satchel Pub had this to say:

"I'm hoping this string of games will provide much-needed fiscal relief for my business. As of now, the typical crowd at my bar consists of gay men and their pets. Hopefully Mr. Jar-Jar can bring in a slightly broader crowd...the kind with cash pants."

Jar-Jar is scheduled to land in Toronto later this evening. His contract won't start until after the Raptors take on Philadelphia tomorrow night, but he did have this to say when we spoke with him via a phone call earlier today:

"Meesa happy and love basketball. Meesa ready for a new chapter in meesa's life and meesa grateful to Mr. Colangelo for this mosted greatest opportunities. Meesa ready to show what meesa can do."

Well, I'm sure the "Canadian Basketball Stadium" will be jumping with fans and critics alike when the Raptors host the Pistons this Friday, March 13. One thing's for sure: The buzz this has created thus far has Colangelo up to his bow-bows in coke and endorsement deals for his new mutant acquisition.

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