NFL Week 17: Letters to the League

To: Bill Parcells

Re: Chicken of the Sea

That's some deal you worked out with Huizenga. There have been rumors that he would sell the team for some time now, even when you signed with the Dolphins.

A contract that says only one man can have authority over you is unlike anything I've ever heard. If the team is sold, you can walk away with the balance of the contract in your pocket. I think I'll have your lawyer negotiate for me the next time I approach my bosses for a raise.

If you keep this team jumping up, you're going to become the gypsy of the NFL.

To: Facial hair

Re: Fuzzy-faced

What a year you had. First there was the Giambi 'stache mania in the summer. Then Orton's fabulous beard and the success he had this season.

But Week 17 put you on full display.

The 49ers grew out the mustaches in homage on Throwback Sunday in San Francisco, and they won the game.

And the Eagles: They started their playoff beards a few weeks ago and look how that turned out. The entire team's play completely changed, and then they stomped the Cowboys on Sunday in their version of a play-in game.

Beards are so hot right now.

To: Steve Smith

Re: One for the record books

That was some kind of catch against the Saints. I mean, that was of the game-changing, season-changing variety.

The No. 2 seed and Dan Marino both have you to thank.

To: Roy E. Williams

Re: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

Terrell Owens is not a good role model. Don't act like him.

To: The Detroit Lions

Re: Forgettable you

Congratulations on a defeated season. You lost your self-described "Super Bowl." (As if you needed further motivation to win your first game of the season in its last week.)

And congratulations on killing the career of a nice guy and a coach who refused to blame anyone but himself.

No one believes 16 losses are solely the fault of the head coach.

To: The Lambeau Leap

Re: Close and personal

Happy 15th birthday.

Who knew when Leroy Butler created you in 1993, you would become so popular.

But not just popular, you've become one of the most classic ways for a player to celebrate a touchdown. And your copycats have sprung up all around the league.

From Desmond Howard to Aaron Rodgers, every Packers player hopes to add you to their repertoire.

It's sort of like the NFL's version of crowd-surfing. I just wonder how touchy-feely the fans sometimes get.

To: Tom Brady

Re: Biggest story of the year

We've not spoken in a while.

Congrats on the engagement. At least you won't be alone next season when your knee is still infected.

It's not been a good season for the celebrity quarterback. You were lost for the season. Favre led the league in interceptions...again, and Romo had a complete December breakdown.

I guess Matt Ryan and Chad Pennington are glad they're not so good looking.

To: The NFL

Re: Give it up already!

The Pro Bowl is so 1995.

You think anyone will care more or less if you move the game to the week before the Super Bowl?

Sure, the players will already be around, but I can tell you at least two teams that won't have players in the game. And I'm sure there's a host of others that want to just party at the Super Bowl site.

And one more thing (actually, two): The players, while they didn't care about the game, they actually enjoyed the trip to Hawaii.

And now that the game will not be in Hawaii, what will the ESPN guys do with those Hawaiian shirts?

To: The Dallas Cowboys

Re:Re: America's team?

Guys, I get the sense that all of you players are sitting in your rooms, nervous. Just like when you were a kid after you screwed up and you were waiting to speak to dad.

And no, I don't mean Wade Phillips is like "dad." I mean Jerry Jones, who is clearly frustrated about this whole deal.

And I've got news for you. When you repeatedly refer to yourself as the team with the most talent, no one feels sorry for you when you lose. 

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Eh

I feel as if this may be our last correspondence. Thanks for a lot of years of good and gutsy football.

But also, how does it feel to end Mangini's career in New York? He didn't throw nine picks in his last five games, seven in the last three. You did. Turnovers lose games, Brett.

Now, don't put New York through this "I'm in, I'm out," business. Put everyone out of their darn misery.

To: The Buffalo Bills

Re: God help us

Forty mile-per-hour winds mean it's probably not a good idea to throw the ball 25 times.

The Patriots had the right idea. Run 47 times and throw eight.

If the goal posts couldn't withstand the wind, what made you think a pass from Edwards' arm could?

God-1

Bills-0

To: Letters to the League readers

Re: One love

It's been a fun season. Thanks for all your comments and support.