Big Ten Bowl Preview Extravaganza

The Heisman has been handed out; Navy has beaten Army again, and we are less than a week away from the beginning of the ever-expanding college football bowl season. It is that magical time when we get to consume everything from timeless games between conference powers to stinkers between 6-6 teams that are just happy to be there, y'all.  

Say what you will about the current Bowl Championship Series and the lecherous effect it has on the college football universe as a whole, but it is the status-quo for the time being. Might as well strap in and enjoy the ride, even when it takes us to some pretty dark places.

With that said, how are we to know which bowls are worth our time and which should be avoided like the plague?

Is a BCS matchup between two teams that backed in because of politics and money still worthwhile? Does a game being played in Detroit in December automatically disqualify it from our scope of interest? What about a bowl that is solely an excuse to televise a three-and-a-half hour Urban Meyer infomercial?

Many things play into just how good or bad a bowl game will be: location, matchup, tradition, interest and Gus Factor*. Let's subjectively quantify those things so as to make rash judgments and sarcastic jokes about the bowl games. Each category gets a rating of 1-5.

Since this writer ain't no corporate shill, each bowl game will be known by its original name or, in the case of the few bowls that aren't yet old enough to be out of grade school, the sponsor-less equivalent. If Meineke or Capital One have beef, they know where to find me.

*(Gus Factor is based on the well-known law that states that any game which Gus Johnson is calling is at least twice as likely to be wildly entertaining and end in some improbable series of events that will leave you gasping for breath. While Johnson—a Fox Sports employee—will not be calling any of this year's bowl games because ESPN runs bowl season in the same way a pimp in a bad comedy movie runs his tricks—completely, condescendingly, flamboyantly and always with a hawk's eye on the bottom line—that doesn't mean that we won't get at least two or three wild finishes. The Gus Factor rates the chances of an "oh my god, did that just happen" finish.)

Motor City Bowl (Dec. 27)

(aka: Little Caesars Pizza Bowl) 

Purdue vs. Western Michigan

Detroit, Michigan; 4:30 p.m. ET, ESPN 

Location: 0

I was born and raised in Michigan. I know what late December in Detroit is like. Let's just say there is a reason I moved to the south.

Matchup: 3

Purdue is a middle-of-the-road spread-running team that can put up big numbers on bad teams. Western Michigan is an air-it-out pass offense that can do the same. Odds are Purdue walks with this one, but things should at least be interesting for more than one half of action.

Tradition: 0

Let's not kid ourselves, a bowl that is 14 years old, has already changed its name and is now prominently sponsored by a pizza joint that is most famous for its five-dollar, low-quality take-out pizza isn't inspiring a generation of fond childhood memories like the bowls of old.

Interest: 1

If I wanted to watch Purdue struggle to beat a MAC team, I could just wait until next September.

Gus Factor: 1

One point awarded because of the chance that Purdue actually struggles to put away a MAC team until the final minutes.

Total: 5

Well, they can't all be winners.  But let's be honest, come June, you'll be jonesin' for even this game like an addict outside a methadone clinic 15 minutes before it opens.

Random Prop Bet

Odds that more people attend the game than attended the Division 1 high school state championship game a couple weeks ago: 3/1.

Copper Bowl (Dec. 30)

(aka: Insight Bowl)

Iowa vs. Oklahoma.

Tempe, Arizona; 10 p.m. ET, ESPN.

Location: 4

I spent a night in Tempe the day before New Year's Eve a few years ago. It was warm, the atmosphere was friendly, and the bar scene was hoppin'.  That is the recipe for a good bowl-game location.

Matchup: 1

Both teams come into the game after disappointing seasons. However, one team's disappointment is failing to beat Minnesota and Iowa State to win nine games. The other team's disappointment is not playing for a national title. This one shouldn't be close.

Tradition: 2

The Copper Bowl is at least old enough to legally drink. That's a plus in Tempe.

Interest: 1

I'm interested in seeing how long Landry Jones takes his frustrations out on Iowa's defense before he loses interest. Over/under: halfway through the third quarter.

Gus Factor: 0

Even "Big Game" Bob Stoops won't let this one get close.

Total: 8

At least Iowa fans will have a good time before the game.

Random Prop Bet

Over/under on times Kirk Ferentz decides to punt on 4th-and-short from Oklahoma's side of the field: +/- 2. Remotes broken because people back in Iowa throw them against the wall in reaction to this: +/- 200.

Bowl of Texas (Dec. 31)

(aka: Meineke Car Care...)

Northwestern vs. Texas A&M.

Houston, Texas; Noon ET, ESPN.

Location: 2.5

Houston isn't Detroit or Idaho, but it isn't exactly a marquee destination either. Any Bill Simmons fan knows this well.

Matchup: 3

Two strong offenses with a tendency to collapse in the second half. This one could be less about who wins the game than who manages to not lose.

Tradition: 0

When people complain about new money-hungry bowls that pair mediocre teams for the sole reason of making a few bucks, they are complaining about the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas.

Interest: 1

Two 6-6 teams means only alumni and problem gamblers will be tuning in for this one. Also, get ready for an SEC expansion overload if that is your kind of thing.

Gus Factor: 3

Like I said, two teams that have found ways to spectacularly collapse down the stretch makes for good TV for those of us who enjoy the suffering of others.

Total: 9.5

Eh, it's football.  You'll still watch, but you won't feel good about yourself for it.

Random Prop Bet

Over/under on years the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas stays in Texas before becoming the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Missouri/Kentucky/Maine/Alaska: +/- 3.

Fight Hunger Bowl (Dec. 31)

Illinois vs. UCLA.

San Francisco, California; 3:30 p.m. ET, ESPN.

Location: 4

Any opportunity to go to San Francisco is a good opportunity...

Matchup: 4 

...Unless it is to watch the Illinois vs. UCLA slap fight. This is just two bad teams that have mercifully fired their coach and have more losses than wins (thanks, UCLA). If you have any respect for the game of football, you'll skip this one.

Tradition: 0

Let's talk tradition once this bowl makes it through its first decade of existence.

Interest: 0

You want interest?  Stage a cage-match to the death between Ron Zook and Rick Neuheisel at halftime. That'll get people interested. 

Gus Factor: 1

Because someone has to win this game, and with the way both teams have played so far this year, the odds are neither team is running away with it.

Total: 1

That is one more point than this game deserves.

Random Prop Bet

Money I would pay to see a half-hour sitcom starring Ron Zook and Rick Neuhiesel called "Rick & Ron" about two disgraced coaches that end up in the same small Wyoming high school coaching a bunch misfits and sharing a two-bedroom apartment above the only bar in town. This isn't actually a bet; I just really want it to happen.

Revenge of the Cotton Bowl (Jan. 2)

(aka: TicketCity Bowl)

Penn State vs. Houston.

Dallas, Texas; Noon ET, ESPNU.

Location: 3

Better than Houston. Not by much. 

Matchup: 3

A high-flying passing offense led by the NCAA's career leader in a whole bunch of passing stats going up against a stout defense that is fifth in the nation in both pass yards allowed and pass-efficiency defense. Bonus point if we can find a way to keep Houston's defense and Penn State's offense off the field.

Tradition: 3

I know the real Cotton Bowl up and left to the Jerry Dome, but this one just kinda feels like the Cotton Bowl, ya know?  Points for that.

Interest: 2

Anything big happen at Penn State this year? Think that comes up at all?

Gus Factor: +5 (Houston on offense), -3 (Penn State on defense), 2 Overall

That gangly ginger kid asking for Case Keenum's autograph before the game? That's Matt McGloin.

Total: 13

Glass half-full: both teams played for the chance to go to a BCS bowl in their final game; both ended up here. Glass half-empty: both teams got waxed in that deciding game.

Random Prop Bet

Over/under on the number of awkward pauses that follow any mention of Jerry Sandusky: +/- 12. 

Outback Bowl (Jan. 2)

Michigan State vs. Georgia.

Tampa, Florida; 1 p.m. ET, ABC.

Location: 4.5

Now we are getting closer to an actual desirable bowl location. No complaints with Tampa.

Matchup: 5

These two teams feature Top 10 defenses and are led by two of the better quarterbacks in each's respective conference. This is going to be old-school smash-mouth football at its best.

Tradition: 3

Other than being named after a steakhouse that never met a steak it didn't want to season the hell out of, this Bowl actually has a bit of history behind it. Not to mention the matchup pits two teams together that have some recent bowl history of their own.

Interest: 4

Two championship-game losers? Christmas came early for the Outback Bowl. Michigan State is playing for respect after getting shunned from the BCS, and Georgia is playing for its first win against a complete team this season.

Gus Factor: 4

These teams are both good enough on defense that the game should stay close until late in the fourth quarter. Expect some big defensive/special-team plays to excite.

Total: 20.5

Closest you can get to a BCS bowl matchup and atmosphere without actually going to one. [Ducks as Spartan fans throw their laptops.]

Random Prop Bet

Time Mark Dantonio spends thinking up a trick play or fake for the game: +/- five minutes. Time Mark Dantonio spends thinking up a clever name for the trick play: +/- one hour.

Citrus Bowl (Jan. 2)

(aka: Capital One Bowl) 

Nebraska vs. South Carolina.

Orlando, Florida; 1 p.m. ET, ESPN.

Location: 4

Orlando equals Tampa minus the Gulf of Mexico plus a creepy anthropomorphic mouse.

Matchup: 4

One team lost its best offensive player, the other its best defensive player. Regardless, this should be a good—if a bit low-scoring—game. Still a good chance to watch Melvin Ingram and Rex Burkhead run into each other at full speed 35 times.

Tradition: 3.5

This one would have gotten a full four points if only there was some tangible connection left to the old Citrus Bowl name.

Interest: 3.5

Both teams come into the game with good records, but both also come in having pissed away a chance at a spot in each's title game despite wins over the eventual division winners.

Gus Factor: 3

This one probably stays close, but with the state of these two passing games the scoreboard operator is going to need to bring a book or something to keep himself occupied.

Total: 18

Good game, but probably not the one you'll tune into with three other Big Ten games on at the same time.

Random Prop Bet

Odds Bo Pelini blows a gasket when someone makes a mistake on defense: even.

Gator Bowl (Jan. 2)

Ohio State vs. Florida

Jacksonville, Florida; 1 p.m. ET, ESPN2

Location: 3

"Jacksonville: Meh, it's still Florida"*

Matchup: 2

Urban Meyer?

Tradition: 4

Urban Meyer.

Interest: 5

Urban Meyer!

Gus Factor: 3

Does Gus like Urban Meyer?

Total: 17

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Random Prop Bet

Amount of time the announcers spend discussing actual football (and not Urban Meyer taking the Ohio State job): +/- three minutes.

*(Attention Jacksonville Board of Tourism: I am available for consulting work.)

Rose Bowl (Jan. 2)

Wisconsin vs. Oregon.

Pasadena, California; 5 p.m. ET, ESPN.

Location: 6

Yes, the scale only goes to five. I don't care. There is absolutely nothing in college football like the opening shot of the Rose Bowl on a sunny January afternoon.

Matchup: 5

Two of the best offenses in the country playing two distinct styles. One relies on speed and a finely tuned option-read game, the other on classic power football that controls the point of attack with linemen that would make a buffet owner weep.

Tradition: 6

The "Granddaddy of 'Em All" invented bowl tradition.

Interest:  5

Can Oregon get its first BCS win in three years? Can Wisconsin win the Rose Bowl after a close loss last year? Is Oregon too fast for Wisconsin? Is Wisconsin too powerful for Oregon?

Gus Factor: 5

This is a game that is pitting Russell Wilson and Montee Ball against Darron Thomas, DeAnthony Thomas, and LaMichael James. You won't be left wanting when it comes to the offensive side of the ball.

Total: 27

Yeah, I gave this game 27 out of a possible 25 points. What of it? You want to argue that this isn't the best damn bowl game going this year? Pac 12 vs Big Ten conference champions. Jim Delany goes from six to midnight just thinking about it.

Random Prop Bet

Times ABC shows a graphic comparing the weight of Wisconsin's offensive line to the weight of Oregon's: +/- 3.

Sugar Bowl (Jan. 3)

Michigan vs. Virginia Tech.

New Orleans, Louisiana; 8:30 p.m. ET, ESPN.

Location: 5

Bowl-game venues don't get much better than this. From Bourbon Street to Cajun cooking, it isn't hard to find something to like about the town.

Matchup: 4

Two double-digit-win teams with exciting quarterbacks, strong defenses and major questions about whether each deserves a spot in this game?

Tradition: 5

Pales only in comparison to the Rose Bowl for tradition.

Interest: 5 

Most of the anti-BCS rhetoric will focus on the championship game, but the Sugar Bowl is actually a better example of just what the BCS and the bowl system at large tend to look for.

This game is strictly about money. Forget the good matchup between these two teams or the strong history each program has behind it. That looks good in a press release, but it ignores the fact that there are other teams out there that, it could be argued, deserve this game more.  

This game is about two fan bases that travel well and spend money.

Also, don't forget that Boise State was passed over in favor of Virginia Tech because the Sugar Bowl owed Jim Delany a favor from last year's reinstatement of Ohio State's five suspended players for the bowl game*.

The championship game is indicative of our bowl system asking the wrong questions and rewarding the wrong things; this game is about the reason all of this exists in the first place: money,  fistfuls of money.

Gus Factor: 5

Denard Robinson and David Wilson. 'Nuff said.  

Total: 24

Despite being a blatant cash grab, this game is probably a better matchup than either the Orange or Fiesta Bowl. Add in the fact that this is the under card in the Great BCS Fight of 2011, and you have a very good game all around.

Random Prop Bet

Over/under on times commentators say that Logan Thomas is a better quarterback than Denard Robinson without noting that Robinson actually has a better pass efficiency rating and is ranked 15 spots higher nationally in the statistic: +/- 5.

*(Per Dan Wetzel's twitter account.)