The Absolutely Worst of the NFL, Week 13 Edition

NFL playoff races are tightening up. The seeds and tiebreakers are being calculated and recalculated.

We keep hearing phrases like "on the bubble" and "if the season ended today." The season we thought would never come is three-fourths over. The best teams of the NFL, and the ones that wish they were, are all jockeying for postseason position.

But not the Absolutely Worst of the NFL. They're jockeying for draft position.

Conference championship games and bowls are putting the nation's best college talent on showcase. Can you blame the Absolutely Worst of the NFL if their fans, executives and probably coaches are paying more attention to the amateur ranks than the rank amateurs wearing their jerseys?

* The Absolutely Worst Game: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Chicago Bears

You often hear soccer fans passionately defend the low-scoring nature of the game. Many odes have been written to the beauty of a nil-nil tie.

But the Nihilist anti-offenses the Bears and Chiefs deployed on Sunday were mind-erasingly bad. The final score was 10-3, but it wasn't nearly as exciting as that suggests.

The Chiefs didn't even cross the 50 until their last possession of the first half. Chiefs QB Tyler Palko and Bears QB Caleb Hanie combined to complete just 51.8 percent of their passes. The best player in the game, Bears RB Matt Forte, left in the first quarter with a knee injury.

If it weren't for the miraculously successful Hail Mary at the end of the half, this game would have ended in a 3-3 tie. That's great for a soccer match, but in football? Just absolutely the worst.

* The Absolutely Worst Team (Dream category): Philadelphia Eagles

I've avoided beating up the Eagles too badly until now. But a team that sank as much money into its roster as they did has absolutely no business getting trucked by the rebuilding Seahawks.

RB Marshawn Lynch rolled for 148 yards and two touchdowns; the Seahawks physically dominated the pampered Eagles.

Worse yet, backup quarterback Vince Young finally erased any remaining vestiges of his "he just wins" mojo by throwing four interceptions and appearing to cry while his forehead bizarrely wrinkled up.

It's almost impossible to believe he's the same guy who barely needed teammates to beat Seahawks coach Pete Carroll's mighty 2005 USC squad.

* The Absolutely Worst Team (non-Dream category): St. Louis Rams

After the Rams got off the schneid in dramatic fashion, I'd vowed to keep them away from this "award" the rest of the season. But when the Colts rose up and rallied to get within a score of the Patriots, I couldn't possibly slap this label on Indy anymore.

Fortunately for me, the Rams zestily reclaimed their title this week with a shutout loss to the 49ers.

Star running back Steven Jackson mustered only 19 yards on 10 carries, and Jerious Norwood needed 11 carries to get the same meager total. QB A.J. Feeley completed just 12 of 22 passes for 156 yards and an interception.

The 49ers are a very good team, but the Rams have enough talent to do better than this. For the sake of head coach Steve Spagnuolo's job, they'd better start playing like it.

* The Absolutely Worst Listening Ears: Detroit Lions

For the second straight week the Lions had a captive national audience, a championship-caliber opponent and a golden opportunity to prove once and for all they can stand with the best teams in the league.

With the Bears, Falcons, Giants and Cowboys all losing, a win over the Saints would put the Lions one game ahead of the field with three very winnable games coming up against the Vikings, Raiders and Chargers.

Matthew Stafford did his part, completing 31 of 44 passes to 10 different Lions for 408 yards and a touchdown. The defense kept the Saints from reaching their season average of 33 points per game.

But for the second straight week, the Lions committed double-digit penalties for triple-digit yards.

Worst of all, three of them came on post-whistle personal fouls. Learning nothing from suspended teammate Ndamukong Suh, WR Titus Young hit a Saint with a referee already standing between them, KR Stefan Logan flipped a ball at an opponent and TE Brandon Pettigrew bumped a referee.

It seemed as though the referees are trying to send a message to the Lions by calling their games tightly; WR Nate Burleson was flagged three times for the kind of push-off moves receivers routinely get away with.

At this point, it's clear the Lions don't have their listening ears on.

* The Absolutely Worst First-Place Team: Dallas Cowboys

The New York Giants fell just a field goal short of toppling the undefeated Packers, dropping to 6-6 in the process. Meanwhile, Dallas just had to take care of business against the 5-7 Arizona Cardinals and it'd have the first decisive division lead in the NFC East this season.

Instead, the Cowboys couldn't get anything going.

As they finally limped into position for a game-winning 47-yard field goal, Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett effectively "iced" his own kicker. Just before Dan Bailey attempted the kick, he called timeout.

Bailey's kick was good but didn't count. After the reset and re-attempt, Bailey's second game-winning try fell short and to the left.

In overtime, Cardinals RB LaRod Stephens-Howling made quick work of the Cowboys D. Scoring from 52 yards out, he gave the Cardinals their sixth win—and the Cowboys a swift kick in the nether regions.

The Cowboys remain in first place, but not by much. If they want to make it to the postseason, they'll have to do better than that.