Languish Looms Large in Longhorn Land

Confusion reigns down in Austin. Indecision rules the day. Chaos is king.

The beloved Longhorns have had a fantastic season, finishing 11-1 and tied for the best record in the best conference in football this year, the BIG 12. They have a victory over a No. 1 Oklahoma squad in the Red River Rivalry and victories against two other highly rated teams. They have a Heisman worthy quarterback and a ferocious defense. They have finished a difficult season with no more losses than any school in a BCS conference.

They will not be in the BCS championship game against the winner of the SEC. They did not even make the conference championship game. The Horns had to sit home and watch as two teams they had already beaten played for the conference crown.

The angry mob has gathered. Pitchforks are brandished recklessly. The torches are burning.

But wait...

Where is the monster? Who is to blame?

Do you go after the bitter, hated rivals, the Sooners of Oklahoma who robbed you of your rightful BIG 12 championship and a shot at the BCS crown?

Is your target the evil Microsoft and Apple corporations who are surely responsible for the computer malfunctions that somehow kept you from your destiny?

What about all the voters in the Harris and Coaches polls that were so obviously biased against you. Are they the villains who desperately need to be put down before they strike again?

Maybe it is really your little brothers from Lubbock, the Red Raiders that are to blame for this fiasco. After all, they had the nerve to show up and out play you on their home field.

I think the culprit is the true architect of all things evil in this world. The one being who has spent every moment searching for ways to destroy the human spirit and all belief in a Higher Power.

No, I'm not talking about Satan. He seems busy enough elsewhere.

Of course it has to be...Dr. Evil!! (Just one calorie, not evil enough!)

Who else but this diabolical demon of dementia could cause such havoc in the Land of Bevo? This whole situation just reeks if Dr. Evils' ingenious influence.

Phase One of his evil plan.

Build up the Longhorn faithfuls' hopes in a season where no one really knew what to expect. Do this by having them win three games in a row against highly rated teams including the annual game in Dallas with the No. 1 ranked OU Sooners and their own Heisman hopeful QB.

Rocket them up to the top spot in the rankings. Put the playmaking quarterback at the top of all the Heisman lists. Have everybody in America talking about what an unstoppable machine Austin has produced.

The Texas nation was now thinking BCS national championship and Heisman Trophy in the same year. Backs were being slapped and the cases of wine and cheese had been ordered. Life was grand. It was GOOD to be TEXAS!

But wait, this was just the beginning.

Phase Two of his evil plan:

Now the Longhorns, soaring high like a bovine Pegasus, sweep in to West Texas to formally administer their annual little brother beat down to the Red Raiders of Texas Tech. This Lubbock town has been the victim of more pummellings at the hands of big brother than Joe Pesci in Raging Bull.

Sure, Tech had won some of these games over the years but usually against below par Longhorn teams. Not with so much at stake. 

Only this wasn't the same old Red Raiders. They were undefeated themselves and owners of the nation longest winning streak. They boasted two Heisman Trophy hopefuls on a high scoring offense and an underrated defense. Nobody gave them the copy of the script written in Austin.

The Red Raiders proceeded to out-muscle and out-hustle their big brothers for the majority of the game. If not for some missed chip shot field goals and a busted defensive assignment on a long bomb that gave the Longhorns new life late in the game, they probably should have won this game rather handily.

However, because of these miscues, Texas was in a position for some late game heroics. Their Heisman leading QB led them downfield on a masterful drive that culminated in what SHOULD have been the winning TD with less than 90 seconds to go on the clock.

Order was restored and the date with destiny had been confirmed.

Only, nobody told Tech they weren't supposed to win. They had the nerve to march back down the field on their big brothers. They didn't fold up and slink away even after a sure interception dropped through a Texas defenders arms.

Instead they threw a winning TD pass with one second left on the clock.

See how the insidious Dr. works?

Phase Three of his evil plan:

To the conspicuous consternation of the Longhorn nation, they were now reduced to hoping for the unthinkable. They had been reduced to pulling for their dreaded rivals, the Sooners of Oklahoma, to win their final two games of the season.

This unheard of turn of events became Texas' only hope for a successful conclusion to their own season. Here is why:

1) Texas, with only one loss, was behind the Red Raiders now in league play. To get to the championship game, TTech had to lose a game.

2) Since Texas would lose a head-to-head tie with the undefeated Red Raiders, they would need them to lose at least two games (highly unlikely) or end up in a three way tie with another team involved.

3) Oklahoma also had only one loss (to Texas) and played the Red Raiders in Norman in two weeks. Oklahoma had only lost two home games in 10 years under Coach Bob Stoops. Statistically, the Red Raiders had less than a 4% chance of winning.

4) Oklahoma had to not only beat the now second ranked Red Raiders but also a highly ranked in-state rival, the Oklahoma State Cowboys in Stillwater to maintain the three-way tie. These same Cowboys had gone to Austin and given the Longhorns all they could handle in Austin weeks before in a four point loss.

5) OU needed to win both games but not too convincingly. You see, Texas had to hope to be ranked ahead of both the Sooners and Red Raiders in the BCS polls at the end of the season to win the fifth BIG 12 tie-breaker and represent the South division in the championship game. Texas had to pull for tight and/or ugly OU wins to end the season.

Oklahoma did their part by winning both games BUT they beat the Red Raiders by 42 and the Cowboys by 20. OU had scored over 60 points in four straight games and had left a good impression on the pollsters. Combined with their two out-of conference victories over teams ranked in the top 15, they were looking very strong. In a three-way tie, OU had the better shot of finishing ranked the highest of the three teams.

This was not good for the Longhorns. Not good at all.

But wait, maybe they could turn the rout of TTech in Norman to their advantage.

Somebody came up with the crazy idea that this was not a three way debate but a simple head-to-head one of Texas vs. OU. The media ran with it. Texas rented a plane.

The idea was that even though TTech had beaten Texas and all three teams had finished with identical 11-1 records, the Red Raiders should not even be included in the discussion because Oklahoma had beaten them too badly.

Huh? Because the team that beat you got their clocked cleaned by a team you beat, this proves you are the best team? What kind of circular logic is that? I may not be an expert in semantics but even I know this just makes no sense.

Can you see Dr. Evils' hand at work here? Who else could come up with such an intricate and exasperating plan?

He even got the Longhorns fans believing they still had hope in the form of a good QB from the state of Texas playing against the Sooners in the BIG 12 championship in what was practically a home game. If everything fell together just right, the voters could still put them in position to play in the BCS title game.

Well, that didn't happen. That QB and his team got throttled and OU put up 60 points for an NCAA record fifth straight game.

That leads us back to Texas needing OU to win again.

Texas could possibly still claim a share of a split national championship with an AP title. But guess what, only if OU wins again in a close and/or ugly game against Florida in the BCS championship. So true Texas fans should be pulling for OU to win against Florida and hope the AP voters go back to the head-to-head argument when casting a vote afterwards.

Texas pulling for OU to win the national championship game?

OUCH!!!

That has got to hurt!

Can't you hear Dr. Evil, with his pinky to his mouth, stroking Mr. Bigglesworth and laughing in his moon base?

I don't know what to tell those of you in Longhorn Land. I don't see Austin Powers around anywhere.

Maybe if you just send him the 100 Billion Dollars, Dr. Evil might be willing to use his time machine to take you back to the TTech game and the next to last play.