Roger Clemens Announces Retirement (HUMOR)

Today was a big day for baseball fans around the world. Roger Clemens—whose illustrious 24-year career included seven Cy Young Awards, and MVP Award, and the starting pitcher in three All-Star Games—announced that he would no longer be a pitcher in most of the MLB.

Clemens announced on Saturday that he would be retiring from 28 Major League teams, saying: "I just don't want to pitch for these other teams. Teams like, Kansas City, Detroit, San Diego...they're all terrible teams. (...) They have yet to show any interest in having me pitch for them and that flat offends me.

"I am Roger Clemens, do you KNOW what I have done in my life and these teams whom I have never been affiliated with, just throwing me out on the curb as if I never carried their team to a World Series."

Clemens went on to say that he is only interested in the New York Yankees and the Toronto Blue Jays.

New York Yankees ownership made it clear enough this week that they don't want anything to do with the old man, who apparently has contacted the Yankees on seven different occasions this winter about pitching for them; by signing former Indians ace CC Sabathia, and talented pitcher AJ Burnett both to long-term deals.

"I just hope that Roger can take the hint," commented Yankees co-owner Hal Steinbrenner, with an utter look of disgust on his face when an anonymous reporter asked Steinbrenner about bringing back Clemens for another run. Hank Steinbrenner, Hal's brother, remarked behind closed doors that the reporter in question looked eerily like Roger Clemens.

Toronto GM JP Ricciardi has yet to comment on Clemens, although the recent signing of Matt Clement speaks volumes on their interest in Clemens.

At 7:15, Central Time tonight, Clemens held a press conference outside Yankee Stadium, announcing that he would rather play in Japan than for these "stuck up snobs who would rather pay CC Sabathia $100 million than Roger Clemens $1 million per pitch."

Expect Clemens to play first base or designated hitter in his Japanese career, because the minute he puts on his Red Sox cap the entire nation will collectively scream "David Ortiz, sir!"