20 Things That Won't Happen in College Football's Week 8

For whatever reason, I always feel like I’m better at predicting college football impossibilities than I am of sure things. Maybe this makes me some sort of pessimist, but I like to think of it as carefully constructing elaborate reverse jinxes for the betterment of college football during what has amounted to a relatively mediocre season so far. It’s officially the midway point, so hopefully at least four and a half of the following actually come true.

1. Arizona vs. UCLA

Thursday

Arizona will soundly beat UCLA despite a coaching change, an increasingly apathetic fan base and a front seven that, for run-stopping purposes, is technically a front 4.8. Interim coach (and former defensive coordinator) Tim Kish will be so revered that his “Kish of Death” nickname will be soon forgotten.

2. West Virginia vs. Syracuse

During ESPN’s broadcast of West Virginia-Syracuse, announcer Joe Tessitore will start a sentence with, “You don’t just waltz into the Carrier Dome and expect to…”

3. Rutgers vs. Louisville

A hush will fall over sports bars everywhere in anticipation of the Rutgers-Louisville kickoff. Why? Because every week is a playoff.

4. Purdue vs. Illinois

Purdue’s last-second home win over a ranked Illinois team will not only be met with Boiler fans storming the field, but it will be the exact moment college football historians from Northwestern Indiana point to as the beginning of the sport's newest dynasty.

5. Kansas vs. Kansas State.

Kansas will remind everyone that, in a rivalry as fiercely contested as the Sunflower State Showdown, YOU MUST THROW OUT THE RECORDS.

6. Oklahoma State vs. Missouri

On the road in Columbia, Mo., Oklahoma State WR Justin Blackmon will start to finally feel bad about catching so many passes over and beyond poor college kids.

7. Ole Miss vs. Arkansas

Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt will finally reveal his long con of rope-a-doping the SEC. This whole time, he’s been plotting a deft, precise passing attack with Randall Mackey that will finally reveal itself against the Hogs.

8. Boston College vs. Virginia Tech

Before kickoff against Boston College, Virginia Tech will take a one-game break from running into Lane Stadium to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman.” The experiment? R. Kelly’s "Ignition Remix." Many hours later, Blacksburg hotel lobbies will be overrun with Hokie fans.

9. Minnesota vs. Nebraska

This is the week Minnesota’s defensive players appear in focus (rather than the usual blurs in hapless pursuit) in AP photographs taken at the Gophers’ game against Nebraska.

10. Maryland vs. Florida State

Maryland fans, who’ve been overly skeptical of offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, will finally understand the complicated genius of his varied offense as they continually befuddle Florida State in Tallahassee.

11. Oregon vs. Colorado

In the Boulder altitude, Oregon players will be left out of breath by Jon Embree’s league-leading punt team. Those aggregate punting yards don’t gain themselves.

12. Alabama vs. Tennessee

After the game in Tuscaloosa, Tennessee message boards will crash due to an overwhelming number of Vol fans wondering how they could’ve ever doubted Matt Simms’ ability to easily read and confuse Alabama’s defense.

13. Texas vs. No One

Saturday will feel empty without a Texas game. The lack of a Longhorn game is actually the lead story on "GameDay."

14. Stanford vs. Washington

Still upset at being shut out last year by Stanford in Seattle, Washington’s defense handles Stanford’s offense up front, locks down the Cardinal’s fleet of tight ends and pulls off one of the bigger upsets of the college football season.

15. Oregon State vs. Washington State

Fans across the country not loyal to Washington State or Oregon State will make a point of being in front of the TV at 10:30 p.m. ET to say they watched some October college football magic.

16. LSU vs. Auburn

After a week of anticipation, LSU CB Morris Claiborne will go the entire game without knowing how catchable new Auburn QB Clint Moseley’s passes are.

17. Boise State vs. Air Force

The Boise State-Air Force score will appear next to the words “UPSET ALERT” on ESPN’s Bottom Line.

18. Penn State vs. Northwestern

Fed up with his floundering offense to date, Joe Paterno pulls an all-nighter, overhauling the playbook Friday night to take advantage of Penn State’s available offensive talent. Northwestern is thoroughly flummoxed. Yes, I said it—flummoxed.

19. Michigan State vs. Wisconsin

Suspended or not, everyone in the vicinity of Michigan State DE William Gholston will feel entirely comfortable about their physical well-being at all times.

20. USC vs. Notre Dame

The USC-Notre Dame game will be treated with the broadcast gravitas that accompanies all matchups between two unranked teams. Comparisons to years in which this specific game had actual stakes will be nonexistent.

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be followed on Twitter here.