Auburn Finally Gets a Coach and Re-Hires Tommy Tuberville (Humor)

Auburn Re-hires Tuberville

Auburn, Ala. (BS) Feb.10, 2009

After over one month of almost every coach in the nation turning them down, Auburn finally landed a coach.  His name is Tommy Tuberville.  This was a move that was as surprising to the fans as it was embarrassing for the Auburn administration.

With recruits all jumping ship and no coach in sight willing to come to work for Auburn and the administration known among coaching circles as "Noloyalty U," in the end they had no choice but to re-hire Tuberville.

Terms of contract were not clear, but some strange clauses included Bobby Lowder being led through the streets to Toomer's Corner on all fours wearing a dog leash, being led by Tommy.  Lowder was to wear a "I'm your bitch" T-shirt as well.

Tuberville will be allowed to keep the buyout from the first contract and earn $3.2 million a year and be given a five-year contract.  The Athletic Director and University President must also resign immediately.

Auburn Asst. Chancellors Curly Joe and Larry Fine say they will miss their friend and colleague known affectionately as "Moe" to them, but say they understood that this was a move that had to be done. 

Not even Pat Dye could be dragged from retirement to serve for a year or two until the dust settled from the latest Auburn coaching boondoggle. 

In fact, the only coach that showed interest was Terry Bowden, but then he's applied for every head coaching job across American from Junior High on up.

"We had an unpleasant experience with him before and it's not like we wanted him back." said Chancellor Fine.

Auburn knew it was in trouble when Pete Biatchovitch, convicted of murder in 2006 who was former HC for Northwest Southern Louisiana State, turned down the having his death penalty sentence commuted for taking the job at Auburn. 

"I'd welcome the sweet relief of quick death over coaching at Auburn," said Biatchovitch, "At least here, I'll spend my final months with a higher class of individuals than those boosters and that rotten administration at Auburn.

"Gee, it's not like Tennessee had problems landing a coach, if he was an unemployed fired NFL washout with no head coaching experience." said Chancellor Curly.  "Believe me, we tried all those too, and to no avail, and they fired their coach after all those years of loyalty and good results too."

So with Tuberville's re-hire and five-year contract, unless he goes undefeated and wins a BCS title, he will surely be fired by season's end again, and they can buy out this new contract and start over. If it doesn't go well again, they can always re-hire Tubs again.