Tarvaris Jackson Completes Pass

Minneapolis, Minnesota—Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson has been the talk of the Twin Cities lately after accomplishing an incredible feat. Vikings fans, and other fans, alike watched in amazement last Sunday, and everyone would certainly remember where they were when they saw Tarvaris Jackson complete a pass.

This isn't a typo, folks. At approximately 8:30 PM, Central Time, Tarvaris Jackson was snapped the football by the center, and he dropped back into the pocket. In the pocket, Jackson scanned the field around him, patiently looking from left to right to look for any possible blitz coming on.

To his astonishment, there was not an oncoming barrage of Bears defensive linebackers trying to throw Jackson down onto the artificial turf of the Metrodome.

When he knew for sure he was safe, and there wasn't anyone behind him playing a cruel joke, he wore the glee of a small boy unwrapping his Red Rider BB Gun on Christmas morning in his pink bunny footsie pajamas.

He loosened up, and stopped shrugging his shoulders or thinking to himself: "This throw will sail out of bounds," then the magic happened.

He released his arm, snapped his elbow, and let the ball sail through the air. He was jumping up and down, doing his best Brett Favre impression as he watched the ball fly, screaming "I DID IT! I DID IT! I DIIIIIIIID IIIIIIIIIT!"

As this happened, Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher was seriously contemplating suicide. As if it couldn't get worse, things suddenly looked even better for the upstart Jackson.

The ball, which was thrown from the Vikings 22 yard line, was coming down towards wide receiver Bobby Wade at the Bears 37 yard line.

Wade, who has never been very good at catching the football, was left wide open for this reason. He was trying to contain his thoughts, he warned himself all along he would probably drop it, or even let it get intercepted, even though the closest defender was a good seven yards away.

The ball came down towards Wade, who had stopped around where the ball was coming, and he put out his hands in effort to catch it. The ball hit his face mask, and then Wade was even more determined to make the play. He bent down, and snatched the ball as it dropped.

The Vikings celebrated as if they just won the Super Bowl.

"Get back to the line, guys!" shouted coach Brad Childress, whose head was bright pink in anger.

The Vikings, who were huddling in a circle and hopping and jumping about in a group hug at the 35 yard line, were hit with a delay of game penalty.

The ensuing drive led to a missed field goal by Ryan Longwell.

This didn't dampen Jackson's spirits, or the Vikings, as Jackson went on to complete one pass, in one attempt. Jackson was subbed in to play inside the two minute warning of the fourth quarter.

"Obviously, I'm proud of my success out there tonight," Jackson said. "I got to get out there with about one minute left, and I did my thing. I got a good throw off, Bobby Wade caught my throw, and after that our third string running back got the ball three times since [Childress] doesn't trust my arm," continued Jackson in the post-game press conference.

After the game, Bears coach Lovie Smith declined to comment, but the NFL has announced its suspension of corner back Charles Tillman for allowing the catch, and a $750,000 fine of Jackson for completing the pass.

Jackson then jumped off a bridge for being fined $63,880 more than he was to be paid by the Vikings in 2008. He landed on the frozen Minnesota River and broke his collarbone on the ice. "F*ck my life," he was heard whimpering from the river banks.