Gatorade and 7 Companies That Should Consider Becoming UFC Sponsors

What is an electrolyte? No one really knows, but Gatorade has slyly marketed its product as if electrolytes are what keep Earth moving. How long will it be before we are showering our crops with this watered-down Kool-Aid like in the movie Idiocracy?

I don’t know, but what I do know is Gatorade’s current list of athletes includes such high-profile figures as Shalane Flanagan, Lauren Froderman, Ryan Lochte, tWitch and Coco Ho. If you are asking yourself who these people are, you are not alone.

Surely if Gatorade can embrace sports like endurance, dance, swimming and surfing, MMA cannot be far behind. It is time to see fluorescent sweat coming from Anderson Silva (rather than Whopper grease).

Let's take a look at seven other sponsors who should be part of the UFC.

Nike

Comedian Jimmy Kimmel recently tweeted, “Thank you, TapOut t-shirts, for telling me all I need to know about the individual in them," and I absolutely agree.

Getting rid of TapouT and Affliction gear would sacrifice a valuable way to quickly identify people that I don’t want to talk to.

However, Nike looks like elegant formal wear in comparison, and as I wrote in a previous article, those God-awful, side-of-a-'70s-van-looking shirts do nothing to help MMA’s transition into the mainstream. They just scare old people and make D-bags feel manly.

Nike is already making a line of gear and has sponsored a few fighters, but it needs to take over. Get your child laborers on it already, Nike!

Fruits and Vegetables

After it was revealed that Brock Lesnar had to have roughly 275 feet of intestine removed because of his all-meat Viking diet, perhaps it is time for the UFC to start promoting healthier lifestyles.

Americans are very slowly realizing that fast food and factory-produced meat just might be the reason the average weight in this country hovers around “Small Bovine.”

If Beef and Milk can have advocates (and really annoying commercials), why not fruits and veggies? I can picture Jake Shields and Mac Danzig battling in the cage and at the end the winner being handed a head of broccoli instead of a belt while a deep voice-over says, “Vegetables: They’re badass!”

Come on fruit and veggie council, it is time to be proactive. I am sick of seeing fat UFC fans who look like they couldn’t fight their way out of a bag of fried chicken.

The Literacy Council

Speaking of councils, how about really rocking the image of MMA fighters by being sponsored by the literacy council?

Surely there are a few UFC fighters who can and do read things other than the side of a supplement bottle. If the NFL and NBA can send reps into schools to promote reading, so can the UFC.

What better way to shed the notion that the UFC is just a violent spectacle with no intellectual value than seeing Anderson Silva (or one of the other fighters who wears glasses) reading to a group of awestruck children?

If you are one of these children and you are wondering what a “book” is, use your iPad to Google it.

Chevrolet Volt

One thing keeping both electric cars and MMA out of the mainstream is that people think they are either not manly enough or, in the case of MMA, too fraught with testosterone for the average person to enjoy.

Why not show the world that left-leaning actors are not the only ones who care about the environment, while also dispelling the notion that you have to be a show-tune-loving, wannabe actor from L.A. to drive an electric car?

I guarantee that if Rampage Jackson is behind the wheel of a Volt, there is no way people are going to say these cars are only for that other word for cats.

Third Party Political Candidates

OK, this is going to make at least half of you hate me, but bear with me.

Since the UFC is still on the fringe of mainstream, why not embrace that image and gain a small sponsorship from a third party, underdog political candidate?

How long have politicians been supporting corporations and vice versa behind closed doors?

It is time to quit pretending this is not the case and just let candidates openly sponsor and be sponsored by companies.

“Tonight’s knockout of the night was brought to you by Ron Paul for president. Vote Ron Paul, the people’s champion.”

(Was that just a thinly veiled attempt to sway your vote? Absolutely not.)

Facebook

OK, it’s not as if Facebook needs to advertise being that 99 percent of the planet, including your 80-year-old granny, is on Facebook as I write this.

However, how many of them know you can stream UFC fights on Facebook? Most of you reading this probably do, but I have personally alerted at least five or six UFC fans to this, so clearly Facebook and the UFC aren’t doing everything they can to promote their partnership.

Since people rarely want to leave the cozy confines of Facebook anyway, this seems like a no-brainer.

Mark Zuckerberg will likely be taking over the world soon, so why not get in on the ground floor of his empire? A good way would be to put his face in the middle of the cage as he looks on like Ming the Merciless.

Gillette Mach 3 Turbo Razor Blades

First off, I have to say that these razors have one of the worst commercials of all time.

Fighter jets flying through the air, high-tech-looking graphics and images, all for a RAZOR.

Ever find yourself looking in the mirror while shaving and wondering why your razor blade isn’t fighting wars on the battlefield that is your face? Me too.

This suggestion is really just a way to pad the pockets of Dana White, Bas Rutten and the other baldies of the UFC, as well as a way to get those ridiculous commercials off my television.

I repeat, it is a RAZOR, not a futuristic weapon used to fight terrorism.