Roger Goodell Disciplines Plaxico Burress, Others (Satire)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is fed up.

Morons flood the ranks of the NFL. The league is full of spoiled millionaire crybabies who decide to break a law every time their fragile worldview is shaken and they realize it doesn't revolve around them at all times.

Plaxico Burress' recent legal woes has prompted the commissioner to finally take action.

Goodell has issued an official statement, handing down strict community service requirements for Burress and other NFL problem cases.

The offenders have been sentenced to 50 hours of service at various non-profit organizations over the holiday season, as follows:

Plaxico Burress, WR, New York Giants:

For those who haven't heard, Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg last week, and now he is pleading "not guilty" to possessing a loaded firearm.

On the night of Burress' incident, he was taken to a hospital, at which point he used the alias "Harris Smith" and said the shooting happened at an Applebee's.

As a result, Burress will be the face of the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence this holiday, as a guest spokesperson. The Coalition hopes that using the maligned Giants receiver as an example will spread the message of anti-gun measures.

Burress is expected to fit in well with the organization's new slogan: "Don't be like this guy; it could happen to you!"

In addition, after Burress made it clear with his statement that he had never been to an Applebee's in his life, Goodell handed down an additional 20 hours of "experiential" labor at a New York Applebee's of his choice, as a seater under the name "Richard Johnson." When answering phones, he is required to refer to himself by the nickname, "Dick."

Also, at Goodell's suggestion, Burress has begun attending a new gun safety class. The commissioner has said he will learn far more from this class than from his previous instructor.

Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, CB, Dallas Cowboys

Jones, on account of the "Pac-Man" moniker, has been viewed as potentially child-friendly. Therefore, Jones will be teaching anger management classes to children ages 10-13.

Jones has, since 2005, been charged with assault, felony vandalism, assault, marijuana possession, felony obstruction of a police officer, assault, disorderly conduct, and assault.

When asked why he should be trusted teaching children about anger issues, he pumped his fist threateningly, told the reporter he "ain't no punk," and asked about what kinds of guns the children might like, saying he "wants to start them out on the right foot."

Jeffrey Harris, one of the children in Jones' first class, has said that he is "really, super-excited" about having Jones teach his class, but that he could do a better job playing in man-to-man coverage, and needs to bump his man at the line once in a while.

Kalvin Pearson, S, Detroit Lions

In a show of good faith and leniency, Goodell has allowed Lions safety Kalvin Pearson to choose where he would like to volunteer his time.

Citing a renewed sense of duty and dedication, Pearson has chosen to work security detail at a battered women's shelter in Tampa, where most of his roots and personal commitments are.

In Pearson's press conference, he showed great determination to the work he has chosen, repeatedly referring to "finishing the job" and "fixing his mistake."

"I made a terrible mistake this past summer," Pearson said, "and I intend to correct that very shortly before things get any worse."

When asked about what he wants to accomplish in security with his 50 hours, Pearson responded by saying he really only needed a few minutes for what needed to be done, but would complete his obligation so as to continue earning millions of dollars a year for playing a game.

The women at the shelter were extremely resistant to Pearson's presence prior to his arrival, but seemed to warm up to the idea after his first day, stating that everything would be "fine" if the press would just "go away and stop asking questions."

Matt Jones, WR, Jacksonville Jaguars

The first thing Goodell decided to do with Matt Jones is actually release a report that he was arrested for felony possession of cocaine, since that part seemed to slip by the media the first time. Afterwards, he handed down a predictable ruling of teaching anti-drug seminars.

Jones has said he is looking forward to grooming a class of "fine future businessmen and women," and is excited to have a chance to explain to children and adults alike the dangers of using drugs.

Jones' lesson plan has been released to the press. The presentation is entitled, "Addiction: How I Learned To Face My Problem and Stop Using My Own Stuff."

The course will be very math and science-intensive, with a great deal of discussion about pyramid organizations, percentage cuts, some elements of chemisty, and how to deal with your superiors and authority figures without getting shot.

No word yet on whether Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams will appear as a guest speaker.

Other rulings by Goodell:

- Cowboys wide receivers Terrell Owens and Roy Williams have been assigned to a Buddhist temple. Las Vegas sports books have Owens as the first to break the vow of silence at 2-1 odds. Owens responded to the assignment by telling fans to “get ’cha rice bowls ready.”

- Matt Millen, for his crimes against the Detroit Lions and the NFL, has been designated for the worst job Goodell could imagine. He will be required to serve three years as the general manager of the Detroit Lions.

- Cincinnati Bengals wideout Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson has agreed to teach English as a Second Language classes to Hispanic immigrants. He admits that his Spanish is not as good as his English, but hopes to make an impact, nonetheless. He did mention that he could count to eight in Spanish, except the numbers one, two, three, four, six, and seven give him trouble from time to time.