5 Athletes Who Would Make Outstanding Cincinnati Bengals

With Jerome Simpson's recent marijuana incident, I began thinking about the Cincinnati Bengals and their problem children. It brought up not only Simpson, but guys like Cedric Benson and Adam "Pacman" Jones as well.

That's when I realized that this is part of the unofficial team concept. The Bengals load up their roster with players who consistently get in trouble and make headlines off the field, and then we are distracted from the fact that they haven't won a playoff game since before Bill Clinton could be called "Mr. President."

The problem with having such players is that some will inevitably leave the team for various reasons, and then the distractions are gone. So, the Bengals would be well advised to keep a stock of troublemakers on hand to combat attrition. Since the trouble-making part obviously is more important than the ability to play football, I figure any professional athletes will do.

Here are the five athletes who would fit in perfectly in the Cincinnati Bengals locker room.

Manny Ramirez

Manny Ramirez has had a bad year, first being served with a 100-game suspension (which forced his retirement) after testing positive a second time for performance-enhancing drugs in July, and then getting arrested in September on charges of domestic abuse.

Professional football would suit him well. You only have to play on one side of the ball in the NFL, and let's face it, Manny has really only ever played offense (though I think I saw him catch a fly ball one time in pregame warmups).

At 6'0" and 225 pounds, Ramirez is a little short for it, but he's going to want to play tight end. He'll offer a lot of power in blocking, and he'll certainly run a deep route if he's got a chance at a home run ball. 

Tiger Woods

I don't think I need to retell the Tiger Woods multi-mistress, car-accident saga. If you haven't heard it, you shouldn't be on a sports website.

Tiger seems to have nothing but disdain for all the people around him. He doesn't tip, he is curt and rude with reporters and, as he recently showed, he places no value on anyone else involved in the development of his game (e.g. Steve Williams). He certainly has that diva persona the Cincinnati Bengals became accustomed to with Chad Ochocinco.

From a football standpoint, I think Tiger could make a solid cornerback. He's in much, much better shape than the average golfer, and at 6'1" and 185 pounds he's got the build for it. Most importantly, perhaps spending time chasing wide receivers could help him avoid chasing women.

Sean Avery

Sean Avery has been a fixture in the news since his arrival in the NHL in 1999, both on and off the ice. Most recently, Avery was arrested this summer when he allegedly pushed a police officer at his home after shouting taunts at the officers who were summoned due to noise complaints.

With his release from the New York Rangers just a few days ago, Avery is free to make the move to football. After all, they're both fast-moving, hard-hitting sports. There's no doubt Avery is going to need an outlet to vent his aggression once hockey is gone, and I don't think he wants to go back to anger management.

Miguel Cabrera

The Miguel Cabrera saga has been a roller coaster. He was an alcoholic, he supposedly got help from a treatment center and then in February he was arrested for drunk driving and resisting arrest.

Then, of course, this summer he tried to fight a group of patrons in a restaurant, eventually threatening them with gun violence.

At age 28, Cabrera is still young. The Bengals could probably get a good eight years or so out of him at linebacker.

Javaris Crittenton

Former Washington Wizard Javaris Crittenton is currently out on bail, facing charges for the murder of a 22-year-old woman.

While Crittenton denies the allegations, there's no denying he and Gilbert Arenas once pulled guns on each other in the Wizards locker room.

That's just the kind of "boys being boys" fun the Cincinnati Bengals have been missing in their locker room. With Crittenton out of the NBA, he seems like a natural fit at defensive end for the Bengals. Plus, he should probably work on his defense before this thing goes to trial.