The Postgame Tailgate: The 21-Step Chronology of an Odd Week

As we sit and survey the post-Week 5 status quo and notice Clemson winning three straight large games, Wisconsin dominating with a downright-surgical dual-threat QB, and the highest-ranked FBS school in the annual US News and World Report national rankings also controlling its own college football destiny, it may be time to figure out, at least in the short term, how we got here. I still have no idea what to think.

Let’s take the extended college football weekend chronologically, one step at a time,

Thursday

1. Pitt RB Ray Graham ran for 200-plus yards against South Florida Thursday night. When you convert the Thursday South Florida math, it still comes out to an impressive 173 yards. Hurray!

2. Houston put up 710 yards on UTEP in a game that saw a combined 1,248 yards of offense. It may be too late, but this might be a good week for the Penn State coaching staff to try and comically stow away in a Houston laundry cart. Worth a shot, guys.

Friday

3. Utah State lost to BYU Friday when a last-second tipped pass (thrown by the backup QB) was caught for a Cougar touchdown. As always, you THROW OUT THE RECORDS FOR THE HOLY SCUFFLE! Or you watch Seinfeld reruns or something.

Saturday

4. Illinois spotted Northwestern 18 before it again realized it had AJ Jenkins, who’s now officially the Big Ten’s best receiver, wearing orange. Funny how that helps in times of need.

5. Minnesota…I just…yeah. Or no.

6. Kansas wore baby blue throwbacks, which amounted to an unusually productive first quarter. Probably the wrong word you want before “quarter.” And “productive.” Game Texas Tech.

7. The only current TV equivalent of the Penn State-Indiana game is some sort of evil mashed-up version of 2 Broke Girls and Whitney, but even that probably doesn’t even do the game justice. I feel weird even bringing it up.

8. Navy had 334 rushing yards in a losing effort to Air Force. Midshipmen QB Kriss Proctor added an unsportsmanlike post-TD taunting penalty to the losing effort, which resulted in a blocked overtime PAT from distance. It was 783 times more exciting than anything Ohio State’s been involved with since the beginning of September.

9. Remember when I said nice things about Mississippi State’s 2011 chances? Really? Doesn’t strike me as anything I’d ever say. You’re probably thinking of somebody else.

10. Texas A&M played a hell of a game half. The degree of difficulty of losing a game in which your starting running back can basically constantly run wherever he wants is so astoundingly off the charts that it can only be assumed that Aggie coach Mike Sherman’s headset was patched through to the Arkansas defensive booth, which itself may not even exist. Bravo, sir.

Also, this Arkansas person seemed full of joy and/or banana pudding.

11. If you haven’t yet, now would be a good time to just call an Ohio State friend to just to say that you care. Or laugh. A lot. I’d say more, but I’m scared either QB Braxton Miller or Joe Bauserman will throw a brick at my window, only to see it land softly on the grass in front of it. I’d feel bad.

Michigan State 10, Ohio State 7

12. Baylor finally lost, though noted robot Robert Griffin III got a surprise recruiting call from Texas A&M coach for his otherworldly first half/lackluster second. That Sherman's a crafty one.

Oh and Kansas State QB Collin Klein (the first) and his Wildcats may, in fact, be worthwhile until a four-game, late October/early November stretch that sees Bill Snyder’s old-fashioned football posse taking on four straight ranked teams. Or three and a half, if you want to properly appraise their Nov. 12 Texas A&M date.

13. We can say with almost absolute certainty that running the ball is substantially easier against Bowling Green than it is against LSU. West Virginia found out both the easy and hard way. It happens.

14. If you hadn’t already poked your eyes out while watching Michigan State-Ohio State, Auburn-South Carolina made a strong effort to finish the job. Gamecock QB Stephen Garcia is either the most maddening signal-calling talent Steve Spurrier has ever had or he’s in the middle of one of the more interesting social experiments in the history of the SEC. My lean is toward a Column A/Column B situation.

15. You don’t have to shout it from the mountaintops (do people still do that?), but it can’t possibly hurt to remember Washington State WR Marquess Wilson’s name (Marquess Wilson). I’m still not sure if Wilson is a rural Washington version of Robert Woods or vice-versa yet. Wazzu took down Colorado, which, naturally, means nothing, but the Cougs’ approaching late October appointment at Oregon sets up an intriguing Wilson-Cliff Harris storyline. Pay attention, Pac-12 nerds (if you still exist).

16. **Banked Comment** Arizona QB Nick Foles threw for 400-plus yards in a losing effort. I didn’t come up with the idea to save this sentence into a comment bank (©Ty Hildenbrandt, The Solid Verbal), but I feel obligated to paste it whenever necessary. Poor, poor Foles.

17. The Clemson Tigers have beaten Auburn, Florida State and, after Saturday, Virginia Tech in consecutive weeks. The offense is dynamic, the defensive front is salty (salty, I say!), and this is exactly where they want you. Don’t look at them in the eyes! This is what they do! Save yourself!

Also, coaching staffs preparing for Virginia Tech in the coming weeks might as well print up shirts that read “Make Logan Thomas Beat Us” in big block letters.

18. Texas hasn’t lost yet, but it's winning with short fields against underwhelming opponents and a lot of players without a “2” before the second number in their age. Cautious pessimism aside, Jaxon Shipley is officially my favorite receiver with a terrible first name.

19. Wisconsin QB Russell Wilson actually looks a little TOO comfortable in the Badger offense. I don’t know what kind of accusation I can actually make, but his deep passes are impossibly great, like somebody hacked into his video game player settings and dragged all the bars to the right. And then that same person did the opposite for Taylor Martinez. Just plain mean.

20. If you fast-forward people reacting while watching Florida-Alabama on TV it’d probably sound in the vicinity of, “Wow, look at Florida, they might have a—OHNONEVERMIND.” This is what Alabama does. This is what it's been doing. We can only hope the grounds crew at Bryant-Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa is thorough as they clear the errant body parts of both Tide and LSU players after what’s setting up to be a monumentally large Nov. 5 matchup .

21. Late Game Alert: Two Pac-12 games happened and it’s imperative that you watch and appreciate Andrew Luck, while simultaneously feeling bad for UCLA TE Joseph Fauria, the Bruins’ 6’8” hurdling machine. And if your remote went rogue and accidentally turned to Oregon State-Arizona State, I’m told the sad glaze will eventually leave your eyes.

And here we are.

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be followed on Twitter here.