Top 10 Nonsensical Sports Rule Changes

Inspired by Oakland A’s co-owner Lew Wolff’s ludicrous proposition that baseball should reduce the first round of the playoffs to a single game, I present my top asinine ideas to make the sports world a better place.

We all know that rules are rules. But are they actually something more when they are designed with absolutely no rational thought?

10. Money Buys Happiness Rule

For years, the New York Yankees organization has been run on a platform built by fear, intimidation, and, above all, bottomless reserves of cold, hard cash. Even revenue-sharing mandates exacted by Major League Baseball couldn’t ideally affect the financial dominance of the George/Hank Steinbrenner evil empire.

But what if MLB officials quit tampering with Yankee resources? 

It would be comforting for all Steinbrenners involved if baseball passed a rule that would allow the wealthiest two teams from each league to automatically qualify for the postseason, especially considering the Yanks’ current eight-season championship drought.

9. The “Our Shit Doesn’t Stink” Rule

Far be it for me to accuse New England Patriots fans of being delusional, but the gloating has to stop. Then again, after the Pats narrowly missed a chance at a dynasty a season ago, maybe fans should feel that the team will win the Lombardi Trophy every year.

That being said, even with its Stetson cologne model of a quarterback on the bench, Patriots Nation’s self-proclaimed omnipotence is more annoying than ever this season. The NFL could save a lot of us a large amount of undue frustration if they would take a little more time to stroke the egos of big-headed New Englanders.

The solution is simple: Enforce a rule that would not only declare the Patriots eligible for the Super Bowl each season, but place them in some sort of pseudo-conference. New England would then face the winner of a showdown between AFC and NFC champions for the right to a world title.

8. No Springtime in Philadelphia Rule

I say give the reigning World Series Champions some extra time off. After all, they earned it, right? Ah, but not for the reasons you would assume…

I am advocating the Phils begin the 2009 season a good month later than the other 29 MLB teams. I figure, this way, if the Phils begin the season in, say, mid-May, both the organization and the fans will be allowed to easily bypass the bitterness of another losing April.

With the exception of 2008, the Phillies have been at least three games under .500 in April of every season since 2003. However, the manifestation of this rule will also prove to be a great deterrent in Ryan Howard’s chase for the all-time strikeouts lead.

7. Too Many Skilled Swedes on One Team Rule

The international proliferation of NHL-caliber talent is literally killing the game, and we have identified the Detroit Red Wings’ scouting department as an accomplice to the crime. Whatever happened to assembling a team of 10 muckers from Saskatchewan and letting them pound people’s asses into the boards for three periods?

Tic-tac-toe passing, the neutral-zone trap, forwards that actually play defense—it’s not fair, nor is it the way the NHL was meant to be played. 

According to this rule, each team will be allowed only two players whose last names contain two consecutive S's and NO players with the name “Zetterberg” or “Lidstrom.”

6. The Sam Cassell Rule

People of Houston, Phoenix, Dallas, East Rutherford, Milwaukee, Minnesota, Los Angeles, and Boston: I regret to inform you that you may have been inadvertently exposed to extraterrestrial radiation at some point over the last 15 NBA seasons.

If you currently live, or have lived, in any one of the aforementioned cities, it is imperative that you seek immediate medical attention. If left untreated, poisoning caused by said radiation has the potential to cause you to lose all your hair, turn both of your ears outward, create unattractive gaps in your teeth, and force your eyeballs to pop out of their sockets.

The NBA has mandated that any and all fans who have come in direct contact with Mr. Sam Cassell since 1993 quarantine themselves until an effective antidotal serum can be produced, or Mr. Cassell retires—whichever comes first. 

Symptoms of this rare but most volatile condition include visions of Hakeem Olajuwon, a radically improved jumpshot, and heart attack.

5. The Fat, Ugly Friend Rule

It’s an age-old nemesis of attractive women everywhere: that one unattractive friend. Sure, she’s your longtime companion whom you love dearly, but the fact that her social graces are not up to snuff with yours gets a bit old—and it tends to weigh you down.

This scenario is not unlike the world of professional sports. Many organizations that have been blessed with gleaming trophies and shiny championships rings often regret being associated with their inept geographical neighbors. 

The evidence is all over the country: Lakers/Clippers, Cardinals/Royals, Yankees/Mets, Steelers/Eagles. All of these are classic examples of the token ugly duckling bringing down the resident hottie. 

But suppose the commissioners of each of the four major sports required that cities steeped in championship lore donate a split of their accomplishments to their less fortunate in-state or inter-city rivals. What would happen if the fat, ugly friend all of a sudden was given a level playing field?

4. No Late Summertime in Queens Rule

This one’s pretty self-explanatory, I think. Just as those in Philly despise the changeover from winter to spring, the patrons in Flushing cringe when flipping the calendar from August to September.

That’s what two consecutive historically messy nosedives will do for a city.

Though their fall from the playoff race this past season wasn’t quite as painful to watch as the one we all had to endure in 2007, the fact that the final month of the season has been so brutally cruel to the Mets has the MLB brass scratching their heads. 

Seen as a parallel to the Money Buys Happiness Rule, this mandate will ensure that both teams from the nation’s most lucrative television market will be given at least a fighting chance of making the postseason each and every season.

3. The Indecision Compensation Rule

The young gunslinger turned wily veteran from rural Mississippi has wowed us for nearly two decades. In setting the NFL record for consecutive starts, he has won three league MVPs and a Super Bowl and beaten opponents in 32 different stadiums. 

However, there is one foe that has proven too difficult for even the great Brett Favre to conquer.

Overcome by indecision, the 39-year-old Favre spent the better part of last winter hanging and then re-hanging his cleats—over and over again until finally deciding to begin his encore with the Jets. The man who the entire football world thought would end his legacy in the same city in which it started bolted for brighter lights. 

Now he owes the entire league an apology—and it’ll cost the Jets for years to come.

According to this new piece of NFL legislation, the team of any player with more than 15 years of league service who has retired prematurely will be instructed to surrender an amount of first-round draft picks equal to the number of NFL venues in which that player has registered victories. Those picks will then be distributed indiscriminately to teams around the league.

So, in the case of Favre, beginning with the 2010 Draft, the Jets will be forced to give away their first-round pick for 31 consecutive years. Do the math. Because of Favre’s fickle-mindedness, the Mean Green will have given every team in the league a potential top-level NFL talent by the time Favre retires again—in 2041.

2. The Consistently Inconsistent Rule

Three games in four days. Five days off. One game, four more days off. When examined logically, the NHL schedule seems, well, illogical. On the other hand, it may be pure genius, because, as we all know, hockey in June just makes good sense.

Taking the same amount of time to see through 82 games as it does Major League Baseball to monitor 162, the NHL prides itself in morphing from what should be a winterized sport into a spectacle that spans nearly three seasons.

Note to commissioner Gary Bettman: Cut the bullshit, force each team to play at least four games a week, and conclude the season in reasonably quick fashion so fans don’t have to plan their summer vacations around the Stanley Cup Finals.

1. The Cocaine-and-Stripper’s-Ass Behavioral Reinforcement Rule

The psychological dependency issues intertwined within the storied history of the Dallas Cowboys organization are nearly as well documented as the team’s all-time record of five Super Bowls.

Behind the glory is a darker side. The very superstars who helped catapult the franchise into greatness were often the ones who helped tarnish its image with escapades of cocaine abuse, law infringement, and contributing to the college funds of girls who make a living taking off their clothes.

The list of perpetrators is long: Michael Irvin, Nate Newton, Russell Maryland, among others. And considering the addition of the recent late night carousals of Pacman Jones, I think it’s about time an intervention was designed to help those current Cowboys in need of help and a plan implemented to curb future incidences. 

The idea is for the Dallas front office to create a controlled environment at training camp from which rookies and veterans alike can pull real-life illegal experiences without the fear of any repercussions. For example, an extremely attractive stripper will be hired to dance for the team and then stand idly by as each player is allowed to sniff a discernible amount an illegal substance off of her backside.

The experience should prove valuable for all. For those left wanting more, the organization is obligated to invite the stripper back indefinitely during the course of the season—but only within the secure walls of Cowboys headquarters. 

Conversely, those who find the first go-around sufficient in strengthening their moral fiber will be prepared to make smart decisions when faced with temptation in the future.