Bizarro Super-Ramirez...Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You

The following Coming Attraction has been rated R, for Ramirez, by Major League Baseball.

Coming to a theatre near you this summer...

Holy Free Agent, Batman...

Wrong script, Robin...

It's a Bird...

It's a Plane....

It's Bizarro Super-Ramirez....

Circling high above Fenway Park...

They are committed to saving their fair city from a future without a Super Hero.

Ramon Ramirez stars as Super-Ramirez.

Manny Ramirez stars as Bizarro Super-Ramirez.

Watch as Bizarro Super-Ramirez hides inside the big Green Monster in left, while his alter-ego masters his craft beyond the short wall in right.

See Bizarro Super-Ramirez as he tightens his doo rag and jogs gingerly around the bases, while Super Ramon tosses aside his warm up jacket and sprints from the bullpen with wild abandon.

Cheer wildly while Bizarro Super-Ramirez cuts off errant relay throws from his long haired disciples, while Super Ramirez launches fast balls with precision accuracy.

Emblazoned with 24 on has back and huge Red S on his chest, Super Ramirez has flown from the Corn Fields of the Midwest to the Back Bay in Beantown, while Bizarro Super-Ramirez has escaped to points unknown wearing a backwards S on his front-side and a size 10 1/2 boot print on his backside.

(Okay, so maybe the Sox won't give our new Ramirez number 24. But think how "Super" it would be to tell Evil Agent, Scott Boras, "There's a new Ramirez in town, hombre, and we are recycling your client's shirt.")

Following the well choreographed escape of Bizarro Super-Ramirez to the Villains in Tinsel Town, the city finds itself thirsty for a new comic book character.

Sit on the edge of your tiny Fenway Seat as Ramon spells his name backwards and becomes Nomar. Bite your nails to your knuckles, while Bizarro Super-Ramirez tries to put together a coherent thought.

Watch, while the Brothers Steinbrenner fued amongst themselves in Gotham City.

See Heart Throb, John Henry fly over the Boston skyline wearing nothing but blue tights, a cape, and his two, not one but two, Secret Decoder World Series Rings (funny to think about, no?) on a quest to bring another banner to fans of Beantown.

Recreate history, as the Evil Empire lores a New Blimp to fly over the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

Laugh, while Hank and Hal watch helplessly as Arch-Nemesis, Larry "Luthor" Luchino laughs a villainous laugh...Ha,ha, ha,ha, ha!!

Call it irony that Wikedia describes Bizarro World as "anything that uses twisted logic or that is the opposite of something else." (Need I say more?)

Wikedia describes Bizarro Super-Ramirez as "the Polar Opposite of Superman".

Is there character more frigid to his teammates than Bizarro Super-Ramirez?

As the movie reaches it's climax, Bizarro Super-Ramirez and Arch-enemy, "Lex" Youkilis, relive history by recreating their brutal test of strength against Bizarro Super-Ramirez last June. (Ironically, the  under card to that battle, was a bout between Coco Crisp, The Black Superman, played by young Muhammad Ali, and Journeyman James Shields. Crisp, who floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee, was traded for Super Ramirez this week.

Wikepia goes on to report that "Bizarro has similar powers to Superman, which include superhuman strength (514 home runs), eye popping speed (rarely, if ever utilized), undying durability (Note: Mysterious hamstring injury before his escape from Tito Town) and death defying flying ability (Bizarro Super-Ramirez comes complete with flowing dreads and matching Doo Rag)."

"Bizarro Super-Ramirez abilities were the same as Superman's until he was hit by a meteorite (high and tight one) which reversed his powers. Powers such as freeze vision (can't be seen through his Foster Grants), flame breath (Yo quiero, Taco Bell), X-ray vision (to read pitcher's minds), microscopic vision that decreases the size of objects (See Pedro's buddy, Nelson Dela Rosa) and x-ray hearing (able to hear trade rumors miles away)".

"Under the light of a blue sun (obviously Dodger Blue), Bizarro also gains amplified powers (great for a quick contract run) and "Bizarro vision" (used to present twisted view of the facts)".

The Wikedia recap of Bizarro Super-Ramirez goes on to say, "Bizarro is weakened by blue kryptonite ( Popular in the Clubs on Rodeo Drive), which affects him in the same manner as green kryptonite (Grown behind the Monster) affects Bizarro Super-Ramirez.

"Yellow sunlight (It's out but can't be seen due to smog and California fires) has also been shown to weaken Bizarro Super-Ramirez (I think Boras started this rumor in an effort to strike a deal with a "Mystery team".

Boy wonder, Theo Epstein has built on the Superman theme by trading for Tony Clark and Jeff Kent.

Super heroes, Alberto Lois and Jason Lane,have been brought out of retirement to patrol the outer rim of Fenway Field. Lois played for the Pirates in 1978 and 1979 and scored a heroic 6 career runs despite never having an at bat, while Lane, displayed Super human strength, by cracking 26 long balls for the Astros before hanging up his cape in '07 (I know, it's a stretch, but work with me here. This is Bizarro Superman).

Turn to the Jumbo Screen beyond the Bleachers in Fenway Park and repeat after me....

Faster than a speeding bullet (did someone say camera?)...

More powerful than a locomotive (Is this train headed west?)...

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (actually a slow trot)...

It's a bird (dodo or loony?)...

It's a plane (room for one, while teammates fly charter)...

It's Bizarro Manny Ramirez.