NFL: Predictions and Storylines for All 32 Teams

2011 might just be one of the most important NFL seasons in a very long time. After a rather lengthy lockout, the NFL needs to prove that it was really all the wait and worry. With the NBA being locked out and college sports in scandal, the NFL needs to assert itself as the most dominant and important brand in all of sports. Teams are more talented than ever, fans are more eager than ever, coaches are smarter than ever and this promises to be one of the most exciting NFL seasons we ever had. 

With the excitement and importance of this upcoming season clear, it is time to make some predictions.

NFC South Champions: New Orleans Saints (12-4)

Even though the Atlanta Falcons made the biggest splash of all the NFC South teams this offseason, the Saints were the biggest winners. Through the NFL Draft and through free agency, the Saints helped fill tons of holes on their roster. The Saints now have two backs that can potentially give them 100 yards a game (Ingram and Thomas), a great third back and special teamer (Sproles), a veteran lineman (Kreutz) and they were able to adds tons of depth to their defense.

The defense is the main question mark, but the Saints still have one of the most talented secondaries in the entire league, so they should at least be able to outscore opponents. With a new balanced offense and added depth on defense, the Saints might have the best team of the Brees era and one that could win New Orleans another Super Bowl.

Off Topic:  In what cannot be too surprising, the world has made a hit show out of a bunch of backwards Cajuns catching alligators, and it is called "Swamp People."  Now, even though the show is already huge, imagine the ratings if the show had an all Saints episode. You don't think Drew Brees catching catfish with his bare hands would be a ratings sensation? You don't think Mark Ingram catching and wrestling alligators is beyond entertaining?  The only thing is that it is going to be really awkward is when the History Channel follows this groundbreaking show with another series on "The Third Reich."

NFC South 2nd Place: Atlanta Falcons (11-5)

The Falcons decided on draft day that they were one piece away from a Super Bowl and traded a lot of potential away to move up and draft Alabama receiver Julio Jones. The problem with this trade is that Atlanta is still more than one piece away, and that piece was never missing on the offensive side of the ball to begin with.

The Falcons were not able to match a powerful Packers offense not because they did not put enough points up but because they simply could not stop Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. Now, it is fair to say that a lot of teams could not stop the Packers, but the Falcons were supposed to only be missing one piece. They could have used the picks they traded away to add depth on defense and instead opted to draft a receiver who might not even break through until the third year of his career. Even though this was a bad decision, the Falcons still have the talent to be an 11-5 team and at least grab a playoff berth.

Off Topic:  Atlanta management and owners are still said to be obsessed with putting the Mike Vick era behind them. If they really want to do this, they will have a "Bring your dog to the stadium day!" and just slap Mike Vick and the Eagles right across the kisser. Also, this will finally get Atlanta's apathetic fanbase interested in one of their stacked teams (the only city that is more apathetic towards their sports teams is Miami), and it would be awesome to hear thousands of dogs barking when it's another team's third and eight.

NFC South 3rd Place: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7)

We should just go ahead and nickname the 2011 Tampa Bay Buccaneers "The oh, it's really a shame" because when people talk about this year's team, that is all they will really be able to say. It really is a shame that Tampa decided that spending money on free agents would ruin this young team's chemistry (because nothing ruins chemistry more than signing players that could have helped you win a Super Bowl) and that the Buccaneers play in one of the best division in football. If the Buccaneers do not want this motto to define them for the next five years, they have to sign talent to compete with the Falcons and the Saints because those two powerhouses really just are not going away. It would be a shame to see a talent like Josh Freeman's career wasted because of "chemistry"

Off Topic: The surprising thing about the Buccaneers' offseason was not that the team did not spend any money (they have been doing that for the last few years) but that the fanbase bought the entire BS reason management said why they did not spend money. I feel like NFL fans should take advantage of this new loophole and just decide to screw over everybody.

I mean, really, I can't wait for these headlines: "Jets raises ticket prices $40 to raise money for team bonding activities," "Panthers outlaw tailgating to make sure players can focus on pregame stretching instead of wondering about fried chicken" and "Patriots raise prices on individual hot dogs to $85 to honor Ochocinco."

NFC South Last Place: Carolina Panthers (4-12)

Before the start of the preseason, I would have put the Panthers at 8-8, but I have had the unfortunate duty of actually watching this team play the past few weeks, and now suddenly, 4-12 even seems a bit optimistic. The Panthers' putrid defensive line made the Bengals running game look like the best in the league, shut down corner Chris Gamble slips more than any cornerback in the league, Cam Newton has yet to figure out that it is not cool to throw off your backfoot and almost get intercepted three plays a drive and the coaching staff is more conservative than a combination of Ron Paul and John Fox. The Panthers have a long way to go, and you just cannot see the team making the leap this season, but they could always draft Andrew Luck for next season!

Off Topic: If you put a gun to my head right now, I would tell you two important bits of information: first, I would probably ask you why the heck you had a gun to my head, and second, I would tell you that the 2010 Panthers were the worst team in NFL history. But the Panthers being absolutely awful last season could actually be very good for America. Instead of doing unethical and ineffective things to torture terrorists, we could just make them watch all of the worst Panthers performances from last season! I think if American intelligence started doing this, we would be able to win every war that we are still involved in, and I would probably get an awkward Rondo type shout out from President Obama. It is really a win-win for everyone involved!

NFC North Champions: Green Bay Packers (14-2)

The dirtiest of dirty secrets in the NFL is that the team that won the Super Bowl last season was missing a lot of talented players because of injuries during their spectacular playoff run. Now those players will be back (and according to a lot of people, better than ever), and the Packers should have a team that will be historically great. They also have a ton of young talent on defense that is now a year older, a ton of key players that are in the primes of their Hall of Fame careers, a coach that is one of the better game managers in the league and a quarterback with one of the dirtiest mustaches in modern NFL history. This is all adding up to them having a shot to repeat as Super Bowl champions unless Matt Flynn has to drop his clipboard.

Off Topic: I personally think the whole title town epidemic that has captured the sports world is quite stupid, but if I had to choose a title town, it would be Green Bay. They have the Vince Lombardi era, the most passionate fanbase in pro sports, a fan owned team and the Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers eras on its record, and that should be more than enough to earn Green Bay the title of Title Town. In fact, Green Bay should sue any other town that tries to name itself "title town" to make sure they are the only town that gets the honor. There is no reason the town that just won the Little League World Series (another way to torture terrorist) should ever be named title town! This is important stuff.

NFC North 2nd Place: Detroit Lions (11-5)

The only thing that gets me more rilled up than dudes who say "We're pregnant" is people who do not realize that this Lions team has "team of destiny" written all over it. The Lions have the whole "giving hope to a struggling city" thing going for them (see New Orleans), a very talented and young defensive line (see 2003 Carolina Panthers), a quarterback who seems to struggle with injuries but still is one of the most accurate in the league (2009 Saints again), a bunch of skill players who might all peak this year ("The Greatest Show on Turf") and a coach who is more blue collared than he is anything else (just about every coach that has recently won the Super Bowl). 

I'm not saying that the Lions are going to win the Super Bowl, but I am saying that they are one of the best teams in the league and have a damn good shot to be a Super Bowl contender. The whole world needs to get out of its bunker and realize that this is not 2008 anymore and the Lions should be a contender this season.

Off Topic: The person who will make the most money of the Lions' surprise season will be Eminem. Slim Shady is going to release a song about Detroit being back on top (with several people screaming Detroit in the background the entire time), and this song will contain highlights from the Lions season and a Lady Gaga insult that will make sure the song is one of the biggest hits of the last 10 years. DETROIT'S BACK!

NFC North 3rd Place: Chicago Bears (8-8)

You really should not be shocked when the Bears are mediocre once again this season, but you should be really surprised that they were actually good last season. Jay Cutler has proven to be more Rex Grossman than Tom Brady, the team's skill players are more interchangeable than the leading actress in a "Transformers" movie, the defense is aging and slow and the coaching staff is usually dumbfounded (probably because they traded two first round picks for a quarterback who had his masculinity questioned by all of America). This is not a recipe for success but is a recipe for Bears fans being very depressed when their team finishes 8-8.

Off Topic: It is impossible to get through a conversation with a Bears fan without them mentioning just how great the 1985 Bears are and how they were the greatest group of men to ever walk the earth. We need to finally solve this greatest team ever debate by someone at ESPN or hell, even someone at The Bleacher Report putting the 64 greatest teams ever in a bracket and have something very accurate simulate the contest.  If the 1985 Bears win the tournament, it will not be that big of a deal to the rest of the world because we can always just say: "You start Jay Cutler."

NFC North Last Place: Minnesota Vikings (5-11)

The 2011 Minnesota Vikings season is brought to you by the American Association of Retired Persons, because the past two seasons, the Vikings have gambled their seasons by starting quarterbacks who should be retired. As much as we want McNabb to succeed, he is basically Favre without the Sterger situation and is so washed up that he was traded within his own division just last year. The Vikings will be one of the more predictable teams in football and have a defense that is just getting older. 5-11 might seem a bit harsh, but I guess getting traded within your own division is even more harsh.

Off Topic:  I know it might be a bit risky, but ESPN needs to do a 30 for 30 on the Vikings "Love Boat Scandal." If it followed the Bartman 30 for 30, it would probably be the two most ironic hours in the history of television. I mean, they did do "Playmakers."

NFC East Champions: Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)

The Eagles went Miami Heat crazy this offseason and completely remodeled a team that was already NFC East champions. The Eagles now have the best defensive backfield, the fastest receiving corps, the best story (Mike Vick) and the fattest coach in all of football (Andy Reid). The only problem with the "Dream Team" is that they might not get the chemistry right and be one of those teams we talk about because how insanely talented they were instead of what they ended up winning.  If the Eagles do not win the Super Bowl this year, they can blame an offensive line that can only dream of holding blocks for over two seconds and a ton of new players who had too much ego.

Off Topic: In the latest version of "ESPN The Magazine" (they still make magazines), ESPN put a picture of what Mike Vick would look like if he was white. This computer generated figure may have been the coolest looking dude I have ever seen (really; he was like a combination of David Carr, Brad Pitt and Al Pacino), but the picture itself stirred up a lot of controversy. America is so politically correct that we once again missed out on a great investment opportunity. We should develop a website that you can put your picture into and the website will change you into whatever race you desire and only charge you one dollar. We can call it noracist.com

The Other Beasts of the NFC East: Giants (8-8), Cowboys (7-9), Redskins (3-13)

New York "Football" GIants: A lot of pressure is on the Giants this season (because they play in New York, I guess), and really, they do not have the talent to live up to expectations this season. Eli Manning just seems to be getting worse and worse and looks like he was never meant to deal with the pressure of playing in New York (Fun fact: The spit of from the people screaming at Manning Monday night caused more water damage in New York than Hurricane Irene). Unless the Giants can finally find some chemistry and Manning has a breakout season, 8-8 seems like a realistic record for the Giants this season.

Off Topic: Yesterday I spent a day in the library (with several of my girlfriends), and I took a gander at the books in the biography section. When I got to the M's, there was a biography on Eli Manning surrounded by biographies of Malcolm X and Mussolini.  What has Manning done to deserve a biography next to two of the most important historical figures ever? Why does  Manning even have a biography when all that can be said is "his brother is really really good."  Come on, people!

Dallas Cowboys:  Cowboys fans will tell you that this team will go to the Super Bowl because no one expects anything from them, but then will not grasp they still have Super Bowl expectations for this group of Cowboys based off of this faulty logic. The Cowboys still have one of the worst clutch quarterbacks in the NFL in Tony Romo, a chemistry killing wideout in Dez Bryant and a defense that really shouldn't improve to much just based off Rob Ryan's facial hair.  How about 'em?

Off Topic: If the Cowboys are America's team, then Jeff Bridges is America's Next Top Model.

Washington Redskins: A team is going to be pretty bad when the head coach keeps repeating: "Well, Grossman is the more talented quarterback, but...."

Off Topic: Where does Mike Shanahan rank on the list of "People with really bad tans?" He has to be pretty high on this list and has to be in the bad tan hall of fame. How he was not on the E! classic "Sunset Tan" is just beyond my comprehension

The NFC West: Rams (9-7), Cards (8-8), Hawks (6-10) and 49ers (4-12)

The NFC West only deserves one slide (I'm really not sure if they even deserve that), and the teams individually really do not even deserve previews.The Rams are up and coming and should be a Super Bowl contender in a few years if they keep making solid decisions in the draft. Bradford is going to be a break through player (might end up being a top five quarterback in the league) and will also be a breakthrough star in fantasy football (this coming from the guy who said that Jimmy Clausen should have gotten picked before him).

The Cardinals look to improve quite a bit from last season. Kevin Kolb looks to be the most consistent pocket passer in the entire division and has the best receiver in the entire league in Larry Fitzgerald. The Cardinals need to find a consistent running game and a pass defense (adding Patrick Peterson is quite the start). I do think the Rams have the slight advantage in this division, but I would not be surprised if the Cardinals won the division.

The Seahawks may have been the worst playoff team of all-time last season (another interesting idea for ESPN or the Bleacher Report), and it looks like they will come back down to earth this season. Tavaris Jackson might be one of the worst starting quarterbacks in the entire National Football League even though they added Sidney Rice at wideout. The 49ers look to have the worst season of all the NFC West teams, as it is tough to find a positive on this team besides Patrick Willis.

Who Wins the NFC?

One seed: Packers (14-2)

Two Seed: Saints (12-4)

Three Seed: Eagles (11-5)

Four Seed: Rams (9-7)

Five Seed: Lions (11-5)

Six Seed: Falcons (11-5)

 

Wildcard Matchups:

(3) Eagles over (6) Falcons

(5) Lions over (4) Rams

Divisional Matchups

(1) Packers over (5) Lions

(2) Saints over (3) Eagles 

NFC Championship

(1) Packers over (3) Saints

 

AFC East Champion: New England Patriots (12-4)

Breaking News: The Patriots looked terrible against the team of destiny that is the Detroit Lions. Before all of Boston goes into a complete panic, a lot of teams are going to look terrible against my Lions (hold on; I hurt my leg from hopping on the bandwagon too fast), and the Patriots have never really took the preseason all that seriously. The Patriots have completely remade their defensive line and should have a pass rush this season (they went 14-2 without a pass rush last season), have added even more weapons on offense (Brady was MVP last season) and are still mad about losing to Jets in the playoffs last season.

Off Topic: Is it possible for me just to draft Tom Brady's hair so I can pick up more ladies?

The Rest of the AFC East: NY Jets (11-5), Bills (8-8), Dolphins (5-11)

New York Jets: Rex Ryan would predict the Jets to win the Super Bowl even if they signed a team of 11- and 12-year-olds, but the Jets have Super Bowl talent at every position except the most important position in all of football. Mark Sanchez has been one of the most inaccurate quarterbacks of the preseason and seems like he overthrows his tallest targets (Plaxico) and under throws even his smallest receivers (Holmes.) Sanchez looks like a quarterback who is still shaken from almost be benched by the Ryan, and I still do not think he can lead this team to a Super Bowl. The Jets need Sanchez to mature before time runs out on some of their veteran players.

Bills: I really wished the Bills would have finished 0-16 last season. They would have been the first team in NFL history that finished 0-16 and could have still beat two or three playoff teams.  In what should be a relief to Bills fans, though they will not even be close to finishing 0-16 this season and should finish around the .500 mark, Ryan Fitzpatrick is going to have a breakthrough season (that sounded kind of weird), Steve Johnson is going to turn into one of the best receivers in football, they could have a solid running game and the defense really cannot be any worst. The Bills are a couple of seasons away from being playoff contenders or at least moving to Canada.

Dolphins: The only way the Dolphins management could get less people to care about this team is to have a Marlins game before the Dolphins games start. The Dolphins shining moment this season might be their dominant performance against my putrid Carolina Panthers, and even the local headlines about the team are very negative ("Henne still has a lonnnnnng way to go" was a recent headline in the Miami Herald.)  Next season's storyline: Brandon Marshall Demands a Trade!

AFC North Champion: Baltimore Ravens (13-3)

It is "do or die" time for the Baltimore Ravens. In what Ray Lewis says is going to be his last season, the Ravens have one of the most talented teams in the entire NFL. The Ravens' offense should finally be efficient instead of ineffective (the addition of Lee Evans giving the Ravens two of the biggest deep threats in the entire league and Ray Rice should be the second best running back in the entire league behind Peterson), and the defense remains the best in the league and even has some players that are headed for breakthrough seasons. Flacco has had the winningest first three seasons of any quarterback in NFL history, and if he is consistent, it would not be surprising to see the Ravens in the Super Bowl.

The Rest of the AFC North: Steelers (12-4), Browns (7-9), Bengals (4-12)

Pittsburgh: Depending on the outcome of the two mudbowl games (Steelers versus Ravens), the Steelers do not have the "team of destiny" feel that the Ravens have at this point. Big Ben has never had this much skilled talent around him, though, as the Steelers will be one of the more balanced teams in football. Mendenhall could have a breakthrough season (even though some people would argue that he had way too many touches last season and could wear down), Big Ben has three very skilled wide receivers to throw to and the offensive line should improve at least slightly. The defense is going to be the second or third best in the league (behind the Ravens and maybe the Jets) and should be able to cause even more turnovers this season.

Browns: Even though it has only been a year, Jimmy Clausen being picked before Colt McCoy is starting to look more and more like Darko getting picked before Carmelo Anthony. McCoy has looked like one of the more accurate passers in the entire NFL throughout this preseason and will be a Pro Bowl quarterback by 2013. The Browns also have a ton of young talent surrounding McCoy, including former Arkansas third string running back turned Madden cover boy Peyton Hillis (and you wonder why Houston Nutt got fired?) and lots of young receivers. 

The defense is still a question mark, though, and the Browns still have to play the Steelers and Ravens a combined four times.

Bengals: In what continues to be a clinic of how not to run a pro sports franchise, the Bengals have gone from division champions just two years ago to what looks like one of the league's doormats for this upcoming season. The team has gotten rid of just about every key player from that division championship team even though the Bengals have great young talent in Andy Dalton and AJ Green. The real question is, where will Dalton and Green be playing in 2016 when the Bengals decide not to pay for them?

AFC West Champion: San Diego Chargers (10-6)

The 2010 Chargers defied logic by having the league's best offense and defense (statistically) and still not being able to get into the playoffs because of their poor special teams performance. That should change this season, as the Chargers have drastically improved their special teams through the draft and free agency (and the NFL has helped out by making sure no one can return kick offs), and the Chargers' offensive and defensive performance should be consistent with last season's.

Philip Rivers is quietly putting together a borderline Hall of Fame career, even though some people still argue Eli Manning was a better draft pick because he has a title (kind of like saying Robert Horry was a better player than Karl Malone because he had more championships). Rivers should put up astronomical numbers this season, and the offense should still be able to be balanced, as the Chargers have two very talented and under the radar running backs. Look for the Chargers to win the AFC West this upcoming season.

The Rest of the AFC West: Kansas City (8-8), Oakland (7-9), Denver (5-11)

Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs have most of last year's team that won the division championship coming back, but the only problem was last season seemed like kind of a fluke, as the Chiefs did not really win the division as much as the Chargers lost it.

The Chiefs should still get a great season from the very explosive Jamaal Charles, but it is tough to see Matt Cassell having a season that isn't disappointing (Cassell led the NFL last season in almost interceptions and seems like a guy who was meant to be Tom Brady's replacement instead of being a franchise Quarterback.)  Kansas City will still be an 8-8 team, but fans expecting another division title are going to be disappointed.

Oakland: Oakland could be one of the division sleepers.  Hold on, let me try that again, Oakland could be a sleeper in the AFC West once Al Davis dies (now that Bin Laden is dead, Al Davis and Fidel Castro remain the only two people that the majority of Americans want to die.)  If Oakland has good team chemistry, they could end up being a .500 team, as the Raiders' team speed is just incredible (one of the few teams that drafts solely based on speed on offense and who does speed on defense.) Oakland's team speed is a positive, but their lack of experience should keep them from making too much noise in the AFC West.

Denver: #freetebow

AFC South Champion: Indianapolis Colts (10-6)

What a great effort by Colts management. What a great job trying to get us all to believe that this was the begging of the end of the Peyton Manning era and that the Colts as we know it were going to be history. The truth is that Manning will not miss a game this season (he would play if he had to go out in a wheelchair), and getting suckered into believing any thing else is just plain foolish.

Manning will also lead one of his least talented Colts teams to a division championship because, well, he is one of the greatest quarterbacks ever. The Colts have done Manning's career a great injustice by surrounding him with such mediocre talent for all these years, but what makes Manning great is that he has always been able to win with this mediocre talent and this season should be no different.

The Other AFC South Teams: Houston (8-8), Jacksonville (7-9), Tennessee (6-10)

Houston: Houston is the most talented team in the division, but it seems like the Texans were created to finish 8-8. The Texans have been a sleeper team for the past five years, and it seems like it is finally time that we just decide to sleep on them. Even though the Arian Foster and Ben Tate combination is one of the best running back combinations in the league (Tate is going to be great) and Andre Johnson is still a top five receiver in all of football, the Texans still have major questions at quarterback and on the entire defensive side of the ball. As we have learned from their past, it is always better to question the Texans than to bet on them.

Jacksonville: The Jack Del Rio era in Jacksonville kind of reminds me of the TV show "House" in the fact that it has gone on for about three years too long and that Jacksonville cannot seem to figure things out until the end of the season (like House cannot solve a case until the end of an episode). Next offseason, the Jags might have to go to Dr. House to surgically repair this broken team.

Tennessee: The "Suicide Watch Era" is over in Tennessee, as the Titans organization has finally parted ways with Vince Young and Jeff Fisher.  Jake Locker looks like an unbelievable talent and one that should be putting opposing defensive coordinators on suicide watch for years to come.  The Titans young defense should improve slightly, and if Chris Johnson comes back, the Titans could be a .500 team.

Who Wins the AFC?

One Seed: Ravens

Two Seed: Patriots

Three Seed: Chargers

Four Seed: Colts

Five Seed: Steelers

Six Seed: Jets

Wildcard Round

(6) Jets over (3) Chargers

(5) Steelers over (4) Colts

Divisional Round

(1) Ravens over (6) Jets

(5) Steelers over (2) Patriots

AFC Championship

(1) Ravens over (5) Steelers

 

Super Bowl XLVI: Packers 23, Ravens 16

This year's Super Bowl will simply come down to what unit is more dominant: the Ravens defense or the Packers offense? Even though both units are historically great, last year proved that offense is more valuable than defense in this big of a game. Rodgers wins it for the Packers on a Joe Montana esque final drive, and Ray Lewis' career ends in heartbreak. The Packers are forming a dynasty, and after this season, Rodgers is going to have more rings than Favre.

Awards

MVP: Peyton Manning

Super Bowl MVP: Aaron Rodgers

Comeback Player of the Year:  Jermichael Finley/Matt Stafford

Offensive Player of the Year: Mike Vick

Defensive Player of the Year: Ndamukong Suh

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mark Ingram

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Marcell Dareus

Coach of the Year: Jim Schwartz