NFL Week 10: Letters to the League

To: Keyshawn Johnson

Re: Move over Martha

Key, you have the quote of the year: “It's what I essentially hope to become someday—a male version of Martha Stewart.”

I’m looking forward to your design show on A&E. I’m a big fan of reality TV—especially those that feature people doing things for which they’re unqualified.

I wonder what the guys on Countdown think. I imagine it’s safe to say Tom Jackson will never be a guest on your show.

To: Mike Singletary

Re: 46 seconds of confusion

Mike, I once coached a group of 12-year-olds. It was humbling, watching them run around a lot and largely ignore what I said.

I appreciated the 49ers' inspired play on Monday night, and clearly you’ve made an impact on Vernon Davis.

However, watching players run on and off the field, seemingly without direction or a plan, as the clock ticked towards the end of the game, reminded me of my own coaching experience.

To: Kyle Orton

Re: Rex

Kyle, your job’s safe.

How’s the beard?

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Eh

I’m hearing whispers of “game manager.”

The Jets won big, and you only passed the ball 19 times.

Were you not curious when you realized Thomas Jones was still running, up by 37, in the fourth quarter, before a short week?

To: Matt Cassel

Re: Where there’s a will, there’s a way

Nice 13-yard run for a touchdown.

You know, you give hope to every second-string college quarterback in the country.

Even if you pull a Scott Mitchell, there’s probably a spot for you on the motivational speaker circuit.

To: Tatum Bell

Re: Wish List

I thought I’d put together a list of things you should not steal from the Denver Broncos locker room:

·         Jay Cutler’s blood-sugar machine

·         Brandon Marshall’s black and white gloves

·         Shanahan’s headset

·         Brandon Stokley’s Super Bowl ring

·         Roland Bailey’s nickname—“Champ”

·         Jarvis Moss’ BCS championship T-shirt

And while Dewayne Robertson stole money from the Jets, he does not intend to be “Bonnie” to your “Clyde."

To: The Detroit Lions

Re: Strength of Schedule

You may have blown your chance to win a game. Have you checked out your remaining schedule? It’s looking bleak, fellas.

San Francisco, Houston, and Jacksonville may have been your best chance. Your remaining schedule is as follows: Carolina, Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Minnesota, Indy, New Orleans, and Green Bay.

On the bright side, Millen won’t be there when you make your top overall pick in next year’s draft.

To: Gus Malzahn

Re: Wildcat Copyright

I don’t know if you managed to get the rights to your Wildcat offense, but you should have.

It’s all the rage in the NFL right now. Kansas City, Chicago, Cleveland, Philly, and the biggest offender of all, Miami, are all using your intellectual property.

I know a guy, Mosang Miles, who is well versed in copyright law if you need any guidance.

Also, Warren Sapp (yes, the dancer) finds your offense “disrespectful.” That’s kind of a case of the pot calling the kettle black if you ask me.

To: DeAngelo Hall

Re: Humilis

Is there nothing that will humble you?

After being cut by the Raiders for your failure to live up the massive contract, I heard you on Sirius NFL Radio Friday saying you didn’t give up many big plays this season. As best you could recall, the only play over 20 yards was to the Falcons’ Michael Jenkins.

That play was a 27-yard touchdown, and two days later you were no longer employed.

Here’s what you need to know, and I’m surprised you don’t since you’re pretty attached to your numbers: No cornerback in the league allowed more receiving yards through nine weeks than you did.

To: BenJarvus Green-Ellis

Re: Law Firm

BJG-E, you’ve got the best nickname in the league at the moment.

Is it your play, or is the Evil Genius really a genius?

This Patriots team is looking more and more like the Washington Sentinels from The Replacements.