The Stoudemire Tomahawk: Bringin' The House Down—Literally

Five games, four cities, four demolished rims.

Since the rising of a new Suns season, Amare Stoudemire has been the executioner of a suns-wide, cold and calculated conspiracy to destroy every rim in the NBA. Encouraged by the delicious passing of the mischievous co-conspirator Mr. Steve "Would You Like Fries With That McNashty" Nash, he has unleashed a vicious tomahawk dunk on every rim that has been introduced to him.

The man seems to be on a mission to dominate the paint, while the defenseless and unwitting rims are taking the full brunt of the merciless onslaught. It surely is only a matter of time before the NBA decides to take serious action to defend their hoops. If Amare continues his bloodthirsty annihilation, the worlds already short-supplied metal industry will be in serious jeopardy.

Perhaps the most frightening thing about the monster forward's actions is his apparent lack of remorse for his cruel actions. Instead of quickly apologizing for his careless brutality, as every child is taught from an early age, he has the audacity to look rather pleased with himself. Add this to his unsavory method of introducing himself to each city he visits, and we are surely forced to question his childhood upbringing.

But whether Mr. Stoudemires' parents are to blame or not, it is time that this one man wrecking ball be taught to play nicely with others.

Here's my proposal.

Amare is forced to wear the scarp metal from each destroyed rim around his neck during all games. Surely after 30 or 40 massacred rims hanging around his neck he will be slowed down enough to gently lay the ball in.

I recommend the NBA take immediate action to stop Mr. Stoudemire's dastardly behavior before he actually brings an entire stadium down. If no action is taken, we will be forced to implement phrases like "You Just Got Stoudemired" and change the meaning of his nickname STAT to "Standing Tall And Tomahawking The Bejeezes Out Of Anything That So Much As Glances At Me."