25 Fictional Sports Characters Who'd Be Awesome High School Classmates

Remember all the tragically lame people who populated the halls of your high school?

The unimpressive jocks who were only marginally better at sports than everyone else.  The hot, but often vicious, cheerleaders who made ignoring you a full time job.  The overachieving nerds with their lurching, arm-waiving insanity, so desperate to answer a question that they emit a barely audible high pitched whine until they get their fix. 

Horrifying. 

That’s certainly a stark contrast to the lives being led by fictional sports stars of television and film.  Imagine how much more exciting your formative years would have been if a few of those kids from Varsity Blues would have been major players. 

With that in mind, I present 25 fictional sports characters who would have been a baller addition to your homeroom.

25. Little Big League: Billy Heywood

If you saw Little Big League you know that Billy Heywood was actually kind of a jerk who bailed on his true friends the minute he inherited the Twins from his grandfather.  Sure he saw the error of his ways, eventually, but we all know this golden opportunity revealed his true colors. 

Why would he make an awesome classmate?  Duh, because he owns a professional sports team!  Plus he's kind of a jerk, so you wouldn't have to feel bad about only pretending to be his friend to score tickets and merch.

24. Slap Shot: The Hanson Brothers

The Hanson brothers are unapologetic lunatics, you just have to respect that. 

So why would they make awesome classmates?  They are bespectacled, violent goons with child-like mentalities—what about that statement doesn't sound amazing?  Could you imagine the sheer brutality of an atomic wedgie given by one of the Hanson brothers?  The A/V Club would have PTSD.

Besides, substitute teachers are not going to terrorize themselves.

23. Election: Paul Metzler

In Election, dopey good-guy Paul Metzler is recruited to run for class president after breaking his leg on the slopes, thereby ending any hope he had for a post-high school football career.  Some of his priceless campaign slogan ideas: Paul Power...Paul for President...Paul...Promise...Progress...Peanut...

So why would he make an awesome classmate?

He throws great parties at The Quarry, he's got a cool truck and a hot tub. He's endearingly dumb and one of the nicest human beings you would ever pass in the halls of your high school. 

22. The Mighty Ducks: Connie Moreau

Nearly everyone in The Mighty Ducks was kind of a nerd (no judgement—I'm kind of a nerd).  Certainly everyone from the first movie who stuck around for the third falls in this category.  However, Connie Moreau might be the only exception.  She's cute, she's a girl that's good at ice hockey, and she stayed loyal to Guy Germaine even after dreamy Adam Banks showed up. 

So why would she make an awesome classmate?  Well, not to be redundant, but she's a hot tomboy who loves hockey and has absolutely no problem spending all of her free time with a bunch of nerdlingers like you.

21. Hoosiers: Ollie McClellan

Ollie McClellan is one of the unsung heroes of the epic sports classic Hoosiers. 

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  Because even the surliest of surly teenagers can appreciate an underdog with heart.  He's you, in your soda pop and red vine fueled fantasy—you know, the one where you actually make the team and emerge from the shadow of the superstar to be the true hero.

20. Any Given Sunday: Willie Beamen

Steamin' Willie Beamen was Tom Brady before Tom Brady was Tom Brady.

In Any Given Sunday, Beamen is a seventh round draft pick who only gets to start when the first two quarterbacks go down with injuries.  His success initially sends him down the Gordon Bombay path of soulless sellouts, but he eventually sees the error of his ways and apologizes to his teammates before leading them to victory in the final scene of the movie. 

Why would he be an awesome classmate?  Before he made it big, Willie was just a really cool guy who coasted by on talent without the hard work.  Isn’t that the recipe for most of the coolest people you’ve met in your life? 

19. A League of Their Own: Mae Mordabito

Mae Mordabito manages to stand out in a rebellious, drinking-whiskey-with-boys kind of way, on a Rockford Peaches team filled with ladies who all stand out in their own right.  She smokes, she curses, she dresses sexy, and she dances like a stripper and chugs beer like a man.

So why would she make an awesome classmate?  Mae's an uninhibited party girl with a dark past who knows how to have a good time.  She doesn't play by the "rules" and probably wouldn't think twice about poisoning someone to get out of a test or get out of her house for a date with you. 

18. Hang Time: Entire Cast

Hang Time is kind of like a basketball themed Saved by the Bell, but without noted freakshow and cast-wide punching bag, Screech.  

So why would they make awesome classmates?  Take a moment and reminisce abour the hateful circus that was your own high school.  Well going to school with the adorable cast of Hang Time would be the exact opposite.  High fives and happy endings.

17. Rookie of the Year: Henry Rowengartner

Rookie of the Year's Henry Rowengartner is everything Little Big League's Billy Heywood isn't.  He's adorable, he's modest, and he's so incredibly well-balanced that he doesn't let the fact that Gary Busey (Chet Steadman) is about to become his step-dad get him down.  Seriously, imagine Gary Busey is about to marry your mother!  Could you keep it together?  Gary Busey certainly won't.

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  Well for starters, his new step-dad is legendary Cubbies pitcher Chet Steadman.  If you're a high school kid in Chicago, it doesn't get much better than that, unless you're a White Sox fan.  Surely you can't be a White Sox fan.

16. Happy Gilmore: Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore loves hockey so much that he'd rather fail at playing hockey than succeed at anything else.  He's committed, unpretentious and he thinks that golf requires nothing more than "goofy pants and a fat ass."

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  You know for darn sure that he wouldn't outshine you at sports.  Well, that and he'd throw down with absolutely anyone at any time—was there anything more fantastic in high school than an impromptu fight?

Actually, there is something more fantastic—an impromptu fight where someone tries to stab the other person with a skate.

15. Talladega Nights: Cal Naughton Jr.

Talledega Nights' sweet and clueless Cal Naughton Jr. steals the show.  He's so lovable that even after stealing Ricky Bobby's wife, his house, and his job, Bobby still can't manage to completely break ties with his best friend. 

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  Hello?!  Cal is the ultimate wingman!  Until he meets a soul-sucking lady much later in life, he'd be perfectly happy living in your shadow and helping you score a date to the prom or the beer bust at the Moon Tower.

14. Blue Crush: Anna Marie Chadwick and Eden

In Blue Crush, Anna and Eden are best friends who live to surf and share parenting responsibilities for an unruly teenager—this would be the recipe for a kooky new sitcom, if the movie itself weren't kind of a downer. 

So why would they make awesome classmates?  Anna's mother ran off to Las Vegas to live with her boyfriend, leaving her to care for her 14-year-old sister.  Mom's rationale was that Vegas isn't a suitable environment to raise a child.  Interesting idea: Las Vegas is worse than a parentless home.

Hard to imagine there were many rules in that house when Anna was in high school, which means she probably threw killer parties filled with smokin' hot surfer girls. 

13. Friday Night Lights: Tim Riggins

Troubled running back Tim Riggins of the Dillon Panthers is a womanizing alcoholic who comes from a broken home.  He also happens to be a loyal friend with a good heart, but constant personal missteps overshadow his good intentions.

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  This is the template for mysterious bad boys of the screen who are just longing to be saved—The Fonz, Jordan Catalano, Dylan McKay (this list could go on forever).

What do all of these characters share, besides an intriguingly complicated persona? Everyone wants to be their friend, because they are dark in a cool way.  Hang out with Tim Riggins and the odds are you'll smoke your first cigarette and/or experience your first hangover.

12. Tin Cup: Roy McAvoy

Roy "Tin Cup" McAvoy is an unambitious golf prodigy wasting his life at a driving range.  That is, until spite, jealousy and a douchey Don Johnson motivate him to transform into the successful professional golfer he was too lazy to become before he had a girl to impress. 

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  Epically lazy con artists generally get their start in high school by messing with authority figures.  It's their minor league.  Seeing people like McAvoy masterfully, and needlessly, manipulating teachers on a daily basis for minimal gain is one of the true joys of high school. 

11. The Bad News Bears: Tanner Boyle

The Bad News Bears is the story of a rag-tag bunch of misfits who, through the clever personnel maneuvering of their alcoholic coach, go from worst-to-first before losing to the evil Yankees in the championship game.  Tiny foul-mouthed Tanner Boyle makes the "winning isn't everything" message tolerable by telling the Yanks to take their lame trophy and shove it you-know-where.

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  Tanner was willing to pick a fight with the entire seventh grade after his team's first loss—that's just impressive.  If there were even one guy with that kind of fire on my high school's football team, perhaps we wouldn't have gone 0-9 my senior year.

10. Teen Wolf: Scott Howard

According to the Teen Wolf movie poster: Scott Howard always wanted to be special...but he never expected this!

Teen Wolf really shifted the werewolf paradigm by making the transformation into a kind of super puberty, instead of one that changes a person into a murderous marauder.  One day, the world will truly appreciate the way Teen Wolf innovated werewolf cinema.

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  He's a freaking werewolf who dishes out dunk faces and can open beers with his one-inch incisors.  Anything about that not awesome?

9. Saved by the Bell: Zack Morris and AC Slater

Zack and Slater started off as adversaries, competing for the affection of perky cheerleader Kelly Kapowski, but eventually they joined forces and Bayside High was never the same.

True Saturday morning TV Renaissance Men—Morris got into the fictional Stansbury and was a track star.  While Slater may not have been the valedictorian, his prowess as a wrestler got him a scholarship offer from the same school.

So why would they make awesome classmates?  There is absolutely no limit to the havoc these two can wreak.  With Principal Belding firmly under their thumbs, Morris and Slater roamed the halls with impunity.

Their accomplishments include but are not limited to: orchestrating a teachers strike to prolong their ski vacation, developing a miracle zit cream, starting competing friendship bracelet businesses that were both successful, saving The Max from financial ruin by hosting a telethon and managing to dress Screech up as such a convincing alien that he was nearly seized by the government.

8. Bend It Like Beckham: Jules Paxton

In Bend it Like Beckham, Jules Paxton is a badass soccer star and a big thorn in the side of Indian tradition. 

So why would she make an awesome classmate?  Well she's hot, she's into sports, she's kind of a rebel, and her interest in older men means that she could show up to a school dance with with some random creeper, thereby feeding the gossip machine that is the life blood of any civilized high school. 

7. 17 Again: Mike O'Donnell

Mike O'Donnell takes a painfully awkward trip back to his teenage years in 17 Again.  How awkward, you ask?  Well, he dodges sexual advances from his daughter, he finds out his son resents him and he strikes up an inappropriate friendship with his unsuspecting wife. 

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  OK, so Mike was kind of a wet blanket during his second high school go-round, but going to school with your own kids is a freak show that wouldn't sit well with most people.  We all saw the horrific potential for awkwardness showcased in Back to the Future.  Time travel and body switching is rife for inappropriate family dynamics.

The movie does make it clear that Mike was pretty baller the first time around though—he was super hot, he dated a blonde bombshell and was a superstar basketball player. What about this doesn't make you long for him to write "Stay cool! -Mike" in your yearbook?

6. Jerry Maguire: Rod Tidwell

Rod Tidwell stole the show in Jerry Maguire as the cocky showboating receiver who wanted one thing, and one thing only: to be shown the money.

Who knew Tidwell's fictional antics would pale in comparison to the standard set by Terrell Owens, and to an awe-inspiring degree, King James?  Regardless, his character provided one of the iconic cinema moments of the past 20 years.

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  You know that ridiculous persona wasn't born on the football field, it was meticulously crafted and honed over a lifetime.  Rod Tidwell as a teenager was probably just a less polished spectacle who brought the party with him everywhere he went.

And you know he would have had one of those smiles that would make you want to pick up a guitar and strum the hell out of some "Little Wing."

5. Fast Times at Ridgemont High: Jeff Spicoli

Jeff Spicoli's character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High defined two character types that have been seen in countless movies since: the slacker-stoner and the surfer dude.

Now that I think about it, these two labels include words that could be combined to create new stereotypes: slacker-dude, surfer-stoner, or my new favorite, stoner-dude.

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  Because he's more than willing to spend every last penny he has to hire Van Halen to play at his birthday party.  You have to respect those priorities. 

4. BASEketball: Joe Cooper and Doug Remer

When faced with their own shortcomings while attending a party with old high school classmates, enterprising Joe Cooper and Doug Remer invent a ridiculous sport that will give them an edge against two of their biggest rivals from their high school days.  BASEketball combines the inactivity of baseball with the arbitrary nature of Horse, and tops it with sadistic taunts. 

So why would they make awesome classmates?  Many attributes that seems kind of pathetic at age 23 are actually coveted at 16, which means that Coop and Remer were obviously awesome in high school, or at least thought they were.  You know they had all of the best video games, and God-willing, satellite TV before it became lame.  Do you need a better excuse to hang out?

3. Bring It On: Missy Pantone

In Bring it On, Missy Pantone is the hot new girl with attitude who is forced to become a cheerleader because Rancho Carne High doesn't have a gymnastics team.

So why would she make an awesome classmate?  She's a cheerleader who doesn't like cheerleaders, which makes her the perfect cheerleader.  Get it?  She's only doing it because she needs to stay in shape for the legit sport.  Yet, she can effortlessly perform, while all the mean girls who live for cheerleading can practice 12 hours a day and still be beneath her.  This is like three different levels of cool.

2. Varsity Blues: Tweeter

Tweeter is a high school football star run amok in Varsity Blues.  He's consistently engaged in behavior that would land most teenagers in juvy until their 21st birthday, taking full advantage of the consequence-free lifestyle football players enjoy in West Caanan.

He'd be a perfect fit at Ohio State. Yeah, I said it.  I promise to vacate all of my columns written over the past year.

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  Because he's hilarious!  Plus he's a loose cannon, which is always fun and his ridiculously bad behavior makes everyone else look better by comparison.  Why steal a police car yourself, when Tweeter is around?  This is why the word vicarious was invented.

1. Dazed and Confused: Randall Pink Floyd

Complicated quarterback Randall Pink Floyd has no reason to be the down-to-earth nice guy that he is.  He won't paddle freshman, he has a nerdy poker group, he knows there are more important things in life than high school football and he's the only member of the team to take a stand against the coach's Fascist summer behavior pledge. 

So why would he make an awesome classmate?  He's the star quarterback who understands that high school sports fame is fleeting, and every opportunity he has to behave like a complete jerk, he doesn't.

You could be Mitch Kramer, having one of the best nights of your young life, all because Randall Pink Floyd is the kind of person who would let you tag along.  The most badass rising senior in high school, who wants you, the rising freshman nobody, to come out and raise hell.  He's basically is giving you a backstage pass to the Randall Pink Floyd experience.

Can you think of a better classmate? If you answered "Yes," then you are probably buddies with that jerk, O'Bannion.