Memo to Philadelphia: Shut the Heck Up!!!

Why? Because of articles like this.

I'm so sick of the Phillies and their fans bellyaching about what happened last night. So, to vent my frustration, I'm gonna break this Michael Radano column down, firejoemorgan.com-style.

What that means is I'll post the writer/player's harebrained quote and fire back with my angry, snarky, sarcastic retort. Firejoemorgan.com, by the way, is the name of the bestest blog in the world and I suggest you read it right after you read this.
Without further ado...

The writer, Michael Radano: Proof that Major League Baseball is run by a bunch of buffoons came at midnight when the suspended game notes were handed out.

At the bottom of the sheet, the powers that be maybe thought it was cute or even pithy to include Koppett’s Law.

“Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest number of people is guaranteed to happen.”

Yeah, that’s what the suspension of Game Five was, inconvenient.

Me: His use of "inconvenient" is sarcasm, as you will see given the context of this article. In fact, Game Five was the very definition of "inconvenient," and there is no need for sarcasm. A small, piddling storm becomes a full blown nor'easter out of nowhere!!!??? Sounds pretty effin' inconvenient to me!

I mean, no one loves to hate Bud Selig more than me, but seriously, what the hell else was he supposed to do? Sacrifice to the Babylonian weather gods? You know how they used to do that back in the day? Eh, you don't wanna know. Moving on. Your turn Mr. Radano...

Radano: Inconvenience was why the Phillies' clubhouse all but boiled over after the game. Inconvenience was why what began as a day not of hope, but of destiny quickly dissipated into disgust and bursts of anger directed at the television where Commissioner Bud Selig held a press conference on why Game Five, tied at 2-2, was suspended in the middle of the sixth inning.

Me: Yes, it was indeed actual inconvenience that did this. Unless the Phillies suddenly had the tools and the wherewithal to build a humongous dome over Citizen's Bank Park, there was no way they were finishing Game Five on Monday. Radano then hits us off with a nasty quote from an anonymous player that probably shouldn't have been published.

Radano: “That (expletive deleted) guy,” one pitcher said as he saw commissioner Bud Selig before walking out the back door of the clubhouse. “I wouldn’t let him supervise one of my (bowel movements). He has no clue. Not one (expletive deleted) clue.”

Me: Not that I need to break this quote down for you, but sir, whomever said this bit of inanity, would you ever want anyone, much less Bud Selig, to supervise one of your "(bowel movements)?"

Radano: “(Expletive deleted),” one position player said in the direction of one television pausing only for a moment before leaving. “He’s a moron. How stupid can one person be?”

Well, pretty stupid if this night was any indication.

Me: What makes Bud Selig stupid? I know he doesn't inspire much confidence as a commissioner, but what would you have him do? Not have them play at all on the premise that there might be rain?

Radano: Compounding matters, several national media members couldn’t figure out why the players were so upset?

Me: Maybe they're onto something. Defend yourself Mr. Radano.

Radano: 1. Hamels is now done. He won’t be available to finish this game despite a low pitch count. It’s a stretch to believe that he will be ready for Game Seven, even if this game resumes on Wednesday. That means three days of rest and we know the history on that one.

Me: Hamels was done anyway. I don't get the point of this at all. If they called it in the fifth or the fourth, he would've been done. And yeah, we do know the history of starting pitchers throwing on three days' rest in series-clinching games, like Josh Beckett in Game Six of 2003.

Dude pitched so terribly that he barely managed to throw a shut-out at Yankee Stadium to lead the neophyte Marlins to an upset win over the mighty, mighty Yankees. He sucked that night. We all know that history. Radano Time!

Radano: The Phillies held a 2-1 lead heading into the sixth, as the rain continued to fall and rivers formed throughout the infield. The grounds crew—already working beyond the call of duty—did their best, but as the inning wore on, the field worsened.

B.J. Upton hit an infield single that Jimmy Rollins had in the tip of his glove. Normal conditions, inning over. In these, Upton reached base, stole second, and then scored on a flare into left field.

Me: A common criticism of the decision, but hypocritical in nature. B.J. Upton was able to score, DESPITE the fact that it was so bad. He was able to steal a base, running in what was basically a swamp. McCarver even said in the broadcast booth how bad the field would be for running, and McCarver usually sucks at those kinds of things.

It was terrible on the field, and yet Upton still managed to score, so spare me the "MLB was conspiring against Philly" bullcrap. Radano doesn't even point how Upton's jaunt to score was basically a miracle. But now he will point out...

Radano: 3. Tampa can start David Price tomorrow or whenever this game resumes. The Phillies have already indicated they will begin with their bullpen. That favors the Rays, as Price can go multiple innings.

Me: You're team is tied, playing at home, and has an extra half inning. How does using Price for multiple innings favor the Rays over the Phillies when everyone and MY mother have been pointing out for two weeks that the Phils probably have the better bullpen?

What about all the bridge-to-Lidge cliches I've been hearing about the past three weeks in this godforsaken city? So the Rays get extra innings out of Price. That also means the Phils get extra innings out of Madson, Romero, Lidge, etc. You really think Tampa Bay benefits more???? You're a moron Mr. Radano! Stop writing now, logic is begging you...

Radano: 4. The emotions of the crowd will be diminished, and it will be interesting to see how many fans can and will show up.

Me: Actually, a fair point, though the crowd noise should still be pretty good, if not as deafening as it was Tuesday. Aren't Philly fans supposed to be devoutly loyal and all that BS?

Radano: 5. If this series goes back to Tampa, James Shields and Matt Garza will get the starts and they have been very good at home this year.

Me: This just really pissed me off. They were gonna pitch anyway!!!! Even if it was all clear skies, if the Phillies didn't win Monday, they were gonna pitch anyway!!! The Phillies are still tied 2-2 in the bottom of the sixth with their stellar bullpen well rested!!!! And they have a 3-1 series lead!!!! Why is this moron acting like the series is over??????

Radano: “I feel really bad for Cole,” catcher Carlos Ruiz said. “He was pitching well even though the ball was tough to grip. I don't know why we started that inning. I don’t understand this at all.”

He’s far from alone.

Me: Again, if Selig suspends the game earlier, yeah the run comes off the board. But the Phillies would then need to coax four innings out of their bullpen. Why does everyone act like this was a guarantee waiting to happen?

I just can't go on anymore. The ridiculousness is killing me. Go Tampa Bay.