Emails We Know Exist Somewhere

You just know these emails are sitting in computers' trash bins all across the nation. While they aren't for real, they probably could be. Couldn't they?

Dear Tom-

Thanks for the local referral, but no thanks. My knee suddenly feels better.

-Kobe

Dear Manny Rodriguez-

Enclosed you will some auction paddles, per your request. Good luck, and may the bidder with the 5/105 paddle win.

-Sotheby's Auctions

Dear Joe Pa-

We have installed a calfskin leather Lazy Boy chair in the press box complete with state of the art massaging pads, lemonade maker and high definition binoculars. Please don't leave the press box for the remainder of the year.

-Penn State Boosters

Dear Coach Tuberville-

Ha ha.

-Tony Franklin

Dear Commish-

Does this mean my name might be removed from the NFL Man of Year Award list?

-Pacman

Dear Coach Weis-

Just when are you going to stop thinking about that private projection of a 9-12 win season and how it's possible to achieve?

-Your brain

Dear Coach Gundy-

Big game this week. Let us know when you get that urge to go Royce Garcia on the press again.

-The Oklahoman

Dear San Francisco 49ers-

Let me introduce myself. I'm currently kicking butt in college football, but know the wheels will fall off soon. I have some NFL experience, understand there's a vacancy, can leave at a moment's notice...

-The Most Powerful Man in College Football

Dear Mr. Millen-

Sorry to hear about your unexpected termination with the Detroit Lions. I'm about ready to retire (but don't believe everything I say), and think you are the perfect person to continue the Raider's Commitment to Excellence. We will send a worthless contract to your agent shortly.

-Al Davis

Dear New Orleans Saints-

I know a great plastics company that sells adjustable fit-as-you-grow-helmets in case, well...you know... I'm just sayin'...

-Barry Bonds

Dear Coach Leach-

Congrats on getting that kicker from the bleachers to make your team. Umm...do you think that would work for wide receivers as well?

-Rich Rodriguez

Dear Wisconsin Student Body-

We have received your order for 80,321 large paper bags and as requested, they will be distributed this Saturday at Camp Randall.

-Boise Cascade Paper Company inspector No.9.

Dear lil' bro Mike-

I miss you. I need you. What's it going to cost?

Bob

Dear Tress-

Dadgummit! Ya'll better beat those Nits. I'm getting a little ticked off I may have to coach another year here. I wanna retire and go fishing, not watch another year of the garnet and gold messing up MY record.

-anonymous

Dear Boomer and Sooner-

I left a present for you on midfield. Hope it didn't mess up your pretty little manicured shoes.

-Bevo

Dad-

Can we change our family name?

Tommy

Dear Mark-

Just a heads up- Mike the Tiger's cage has a faulty lock. Keep Uga at home. OH! Before I forget...I saved my "tough path" speech from last year, so let me know when you need it. I'm hoping a two-loss SEC team will make it to the title game. Those ESPN guys will eat it up!

-Les

Dear Coach Fulmer-

Thanks for volunteering to be our pitchman, but we are currently considering Vanderbilt coach Bobby Johnson. Our products are big sellers when they are "hot and fresh", and we feel your team is neither hot or fresh.

PS- We do not compensate our people with doughnuts as a salary, FYI.

-Krispy Kreme Doughnuts

Dear Alex-

Idiot! When I wrote you that email saying "The falcon has landed", it was a code sign for "our plan" is working out just as expected.

Madonna

Dear Dad-

STFU! 

Skip

Dear ESPN-

If you need another in-studio analyst, I'm available, as always.

Trev Alberts

(former ESPN analyst, Harris Interactive Poll Voter and mythical owner of FireMarkMay.com)

Dear Mom-

Does my uniform really make me look fat? You told me black was always slimming.

-Chase

*Disclaimer- these emails in no way represent any actual correspondence between the individuals mentioned, are purely fictional, and are used for satirical purposes only. Actual emails similar to the ones in this article are strictly coincidental.