College Football 2011: 50 Things You Absolutely Will Not See this Season
Without doubt we will, as a great college football people, experience many different things in the 2011 season.
We’ll come into contact with unexpected victory and devastating defeat, we’ll be onlookers to tragedy and scandalous behavior and we’ll watch on with awe, disgust and/or joy as storyline after storyline plays out intricately weaving the tapestry of another glorious season of college football.
Among the plethora of events, incidents and occurrences we will witness in 2011 the following slideshow presents 50 things we will not see in the season that lies deliciously ahead of us.
Perhaps it is circumstance that will prevent their materialization or perchance destiny will simply not allow them to pass into reality; regardless, these 50 bits and pieces won’t occur in the 2011 campaign of college football.
A Service Academy Heisman Trophy Winner
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The Service Academies have produced five Heisman Trophy winners in the 75 year history of the award.
1935 Doc Blanchard Army
1946 Glenn Davis Army
1958 Pete Dawkins Army
1960 Joe Bellino Navy
1963 Roger Staubach Navy
Adding a candidate destined for military service to the honor roll would require Air Force, Army or Navy to produce a standout player dominant enough to lead their squad to an unlikely BCS bid and outshine athletes from programs who garner more media attention.
Not completely impossible, but highly unlikely. That said, if it ever came to fruition it would be one of the best stories to come out of the modern era of college football.
USC in a Bowl Game
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It should be no surprise that Lane Kiffin and friends will be leaving their bowling bag, custom balls and lane-ready shoes in the basement for one more season.
What will be interesting is the 2012 season, when the protective layer of lower expectations (caused by the postseason ban) is delicately lifted from the storied Trojan program and Kiffin is expected to return USC to its former level of glorious play.
Bluer Pastures in the Georgia Dome
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The affable Bronco of Boise State rides with gusto on the natural blue fields of Idaho, but the green stuff in the Georgia Dome more than likely won’t prove as fortuitous when Georgia hosts Boise State in the blockbuster opener to the 2011 season.
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A Hawkins in Boulder
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Coach Dan Hawkins was relieved of his duties as the head man at Colorado after a 52-45 loss to Kansas in the Buffaloes tenth game of 2010.
By the time the dust settled, Hawkins' five seasons in Boulder produced 19 wins, 39 losses and a dubious 0-1 bowl record.
Hawkins' removal as coach combined with the graduation of son QB Cody Hawkins means that Boulder Colorado will be quite Hawkins-less for the first time in a long while.
Flava Flav on the Sidelines at LSU
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Though that humongous clock might actually help Les Miles’ clock management skills, don’t look for Flava Flav to grace the LSU sidelines; he’s a Jeopardy fan.
The Statue of Liberty Play
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The most memorable recent utilization of the Statue of Liberty in college football came in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl when Boise State ran “Statue Left” on a two-point conversion to beat Oklahoma in overtime.
Though you’ll see the call every so often it’s unlikely we’ll see it again in a major game anytime soon.
Flexible Payment Option Tattoo Parlors on Campus at Ohio State
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I’m not sure anyone has applied for a license to operate a tattoo parlor near the Ohio State campus recently but I’m thinking the city department that handles that sort of business is going to be shying away from approving any such business.
Black Bear T-Shirts at Ole Miss
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This past October the University of Mississippi announced that their new athletic mascot would be the “Rebel Black Bear,” apparently a move to quell the justifiable indignation stirred up by “Colonel Reb.”
No matter what side of the fence you might be on regarding the issue of mascots and Ole Miss, the Black Bear does not seem to be a welcome solution in Oxford or beyond.
Many Ole Miss faithful refuse to accept the change and quite understandably verbally retaliate (quite politely it should be pointed out) against the use of the “Black Bear” mascot when referring to their beloved football program.
Regardless of how things may finally shake out at Ole Miss don’t expect to scan the stands at a football game or pan the crowd tailgating at “The Grove” and see gridiron enthusiasts sporting “Black Bear” t-shirts, hats, etc.
Probably not a good investment to start putting the Black Bear on lamps, alarm clocks or toilet seats just yet . . .
Jerry Jones Short on Cash
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Hardly a big name in the world of collegiate football, don’t count Cowboys owner Jerry Jones out when there is a buck to be made off a little good clean sporting fun.
Utilizing the “build it and they will come” mentality, Jerry Jones' thumbprint will be firmly left on some big bills this season when his edifice to football par excellence (aka Cowboy Stadium) plays hosts to some of the biggest games of the season.
Headliners are LSU vs. Oregon on opening weekend (September 3), Texas A&M vs. Arkansas (October 1), TCU vs. BYU (October 28) and Texas Tech vs. Baylor (November 26).
Seriously, Jerry…how many hot tubs can one guy justify having?
A Big East Representative in the BCS Championship
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Unfortunately and whether it’s fair or not, it’s difficult to imagine a Big East team making it up the slippery slope that leads to the final college football game of the season.
Really, their only hope (not unlike Boise State) is that they produce a conference champion with a perfect season and then only one team from one of the other BCS AQ schools goes undefeated, therefore leaving it as a “no decision” by the voters who are forced to include them by reason of sanity.
You could easily see West Virginia making a run this season, but a mere BCS bowl bid might be the epitome of any Big East aspirations in 2011.
Brent Musberger Shirtless on the Cover of Men’s Health Magazine
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“Well Herbie, did you see me on the cover of that provocative periodical?”
Few thoughts can chill the heart and soul like the notion of the highly anticipated five-page Musberger photo shoot.
Tommy Tuberville Attempting an Onside Kick before the Fourth Quarter
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Anyone who watched the Red Raiders play in 2010 would have noted the bizarre decisions new head Tech head coach Tommy Tuberville made regarding the timing of calling onside kicks.
Though the execution was admittedly poor, it was almost like Tuberville was trying to show that his “Riverboat Gambler” label was every bit as wacky and well earned as that as the dearly departed swashbuckler Mike Leach who would go for it on fourth down from any part of the field.
What still separates the two are execution, timing and success.
Regardless, the Texas Tech faithful can certainly hope that they absolutely won’t see Tuberville kick an onside kick before the fourth quarter in 2011.
The only winners if he does are the therapists who serve the Red Raider fanbase.
Harvey Updyke Jr. Having His Transfer Application to Stanford Accepted
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For fairly obvious (and dendrological) reasons the infamous Auburn tree poisoner more than likely won’t have his application to Stanford approved in 2011.
A Pac-12 Champion from the South Division
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The new organizational structure of the recently expanded Pac-12 is a bit like Dolly Parton—it’s decidedly top-heavy.
The North Division with heavy hitters such as Oregon and Stanford seems (at least on the surface) to outweigh the South Division, which touts Arizona State (6-6 in 2010) as its frontrunner.
Also from the southern contingency is postseason-banned USC and newcomers Colorado and Utah.
Is it a stretch to say the North wins the first ever Pac-12 championship game?
Probably not.
A Gabbert Playing QB at Missouri
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The first blow to the 2011 initiative to have a Gabbert under center at Columbia came when Blaine Gabbert declared for the NFL draft after the 2010 season.
The second and final thump came just this past month when younger brother Tyler Gabbert announced his intention to pack up his gear and transfer to friendlier shores.
10s and 12s Where They Are Supposed to Be
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The Big Ten has 12 teams, the Big 12 has 10 and the Pac-10 is now the Pac-12.
The 2011 all-numbered conference digit shuffle had caused quite a stir among integer enthusiasts across the nation.
A Conference Title in Provo, Utah
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When modern gridiron Patriots such as LaVell Edwards, Bronco Mendenhall and Tom Holmoe signed their names at the bottom of the BYU Declaration of Athletic Independence last September they set in motion a new era in Cougar football history.
One of the key elements of the dawning of a new epoch, free of limitations and obligations of a conference home, means that a 24th conference title absolutely won’t happen at BYU in 2011.
The cost of freedom is high but oh the delight in standing on one’s own two feet, becoming the ultimate captain of one’s own gridiron vessel.
A Sooner Loss in Norman, Oklahoma
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The last time the Sooners lost a game in Norman was when Oklahoma succumbed to the charms of the TCU Horned Frogs 17-10 on September 3, 2005.
It’s unlikely that they’ll stop their home winning ways in 2011 even though there are some formidable foes on their slate; the Sooners are flat-out stacked next season.
Oklahoma’s 2011 home schedule:
September 3 Tulsa
September 24 Missouri
October 1 Ball State
October 22 Texas Tech
November 5 Texas A&M
November 26 Iowa State
The BCS Staying the Same Size
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The writing is on the wall; the way to survive in the modern era of college football is to get bigger and more powerful, which means having control of the biggest piece of the money-berry pie.
The Fiesta Bowl woes, the public (and now governmental) outcry over the unfair premise of the BCS combined with alliances like Jerry Jones and the Cotton Bowl make BCS expansion probable.
The best way to stay alive when you simply shouldn’t is to weave a web that is so intricate and involves so many powerful people (getting richer by the hour) that it gives the appearance of that solutions to problems are more painful and harmful than the actual problems.
It’s the sports version of Social Security and Welfare programs.
The BCS will grow bigger, soon.
Garrett Gilbert Jerseys on the Regular-Priced Sales Rack
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Though Mr. Brown has clearly stated that the quarterback controversy is still on in Austin I would give last season’s gunslinger Garrett Gilbert about a quarter of a season before his officially licensed Longhorn memorabilia is moved to the dreaded clearance rack.
Tennessee Having Too Many Men on the Field on the Last Play of a Game
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Though surpassing the mark set last season might prove impossible, at least a few bizarre events could well occur in Derek Dooley’s second campaign as the Vols' gridiron leader.
The variations of such oddities are endless but it seems prudent to say that Tennessee being flagged for too many men on the field in the final seconds of the game is virtually impossible.
Joe Paterno’s Final Game at Penn State
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JoePa’s retirement from Penn State and college football is a topic that will inevitably be discussed at length at some juncture each season until he finally steps down.
What will spark the discussion will be Penn State playing poorly, rumors of health concerns, a missed game or simply the winding down of the regular season.
Though the debate over Paterno’s lengthy tenure will no doubt be back on the table in 2011, don’t expect the Nittany Lions' final game next season to be the last for JoePa.
Bo Pelini Teaching a Yoga Class in Lincoln
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Super-intense Bo Pelini probably won’t be buying up yoga mats at Target for a run at a tenured spot in Nebraska’s storied yoga program; frankly, Pelini just doesn’t have the chops or veins for it.
Another TCU BCS Buster
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TCU has broken through into the BCS the last two seasons but due to graduation and attrition the Horned Frogs aren’t likely to make a third consecutive visit to college football’s fantasyland.
TCU will reload, and they’ll still play well, but a final trip to the BCS as a member of non-AQ conference is not probable, especially given that they only return 10 starters next season.
The Beavers Beating the Trojans
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Oregon State has bested USC three of the last five meetings with wins in 2006, 2008 and 2010.
However, don’t expect this unusual spike to continue in 2011 in a series that USC leads 59-11-4, because due to the new Pac-12 format the Trojans and Beavers won’t meet this season.
Auburn Downloading the NCAA Money Trail App for I-Phone
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I’m not saying . . . I’m just saying.
An 0-2 Start in Blacksburg
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Virginia Tech never looked back after dropping the first two games of the 2010 season to Boise State and FCS James Madison; in fact they reeled off 11 straight games, won an ACC title and didn’t lose again until they were thumped by Stanford in the BCS Orange Bowl.
A similar start in 2011 seems unlikely:
September 3 Appalachian State
September 10 at East Carolina
A Coach with Tenure in the Sunshine State
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The head coaches of the “big three” in Florida will have a combined one year of experience at their current posts when September rolls around.
Jimbo Fisher, Al Golden and Will Muschamp haven’t made many house payments in Florida, yet.
Gold Pants Coins in Pawn Shops in Coral Gables
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If you roll into the Miami area around the weekend of September 17 and are looking for a bargain on jewelry, weaponry or collectables, don’t expect to be able to purchase any Buckeye memorabilia during your shopping outing.
One More Game in the Longest Standing Consecutive Series in College Football
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The longest uninterrupted series in the history of the FBS will come to a crashing halt in 2011 when Kansas and Nebraska won’t square off for the first time since 1906.
The two teams have met every single year for 104 straight seasons, which marks an NCAA FBS record that ends with Nebraska’s migration to the Big Ten.
Luck Running Out in Stanford
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Jim Harbaugh is gone from Stanford but Andrew Luck and virtually the entire Cardinal team is back in 2011, which means the Luck won’t run out for the followers of the dancing tree.
Les Miles Utilizing Duck Tags on September 3rd
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The State of Texas requires a Texas Migratory Game Bird Stamp Endorsement and a Federal Duck Stamp and HIP Certification for waterfowl hunters 16 years of age older.
These necessary items will run the average duck hunter about $25.00, funds that Les Miles will need when he goes Duck hunting at Cowboy Stadium in the 2011 opener.
But, Miles might not tag any birds on September 3 because those Ducks from Oregon are hard to shoot down, a difficulty that LSU very well may struggle with, making Miles’ waterfowl tags wholly unnecessary.
A Service Academy Victory in South Bend
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The Irish host Air Force on October 8 and Navy on October 29 (Army is off the schedule completely); neither game is likely to result in a Notre Dame loss.
Notre Dame is 22-6 all-time versus Air Force, 71-12-1 against Navy, and 38-8-4 all-time when playing Army.
A Locker in the Washington Field House
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Husky Stadium will be one locker short of a full dressing room next season with QB Jake Locker packing his bags and heading east to play for Oiler-Stealing Bud Adams’ Tennessee Titans.
Ten Tight End Screen Plays
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The most under-utilized play in college football, the tight end screen, will continue to lose traction in 2011 as football scientists continue to focus their efforts on spreading the field and moving quickly downfield.
Virtually gone but not forgotten, the tight end screen represents a trip back in time when big men moved smaller men out of the way for the betterment of the entire football nation.
Nick Saban at Walgreens Buying a “Wishing You Were Here” Card
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Gone from Tuscaloosa are RB Mark Ingram, QB Greg McElroy and WR Julio Jones—all team leaders, all standouts, all key elements of the Crimson Tide’s tremendous success over the past few seasons.
But so stacked is Alabama, so deep, so blessed with layer after layer of delicious (and obnoxious) talent that Nick Saban may not miss his leaders as much as other teams.
He may be spotted purchasing a “good luck,” “congratulations,” or “you’re a special friend” greeting card, but don’t expect to see Saban in the Hallmark section marked “missing you desperately.”
A Complimentary Stateroom on the SS Fiesta Bowl
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Time to reset your calendar because that voyage the Fiesta Bowl was planning to the Virgin Islands has been cancelled in favor of a stint on the TV program Survival.
Though nobody but John Junker got voted off from last season’s cast, don’t count the Jerry Jones and Cotton Bowl alliance from doing whatever it takes to compel the BCS to scream “vamanos” to the Fiesta Cuenca.
Jacory Harris Throwing 15 or More Interceptions
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Jacory Harris threw seven picks in 2008, 17 in 2009 and then 15 in 2010.
If Al Golden deems Harris the starter in 2011, Harris is due to finally have his breakout season; the spring and summer competition light Harris’ fire, he plays with more confidence and makes fewer mistakes.
It’s as simple as the skies clearing after a big storm.
The Longhorns Finishing with a Losing Record
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Texas’ 5-7 finish in 2011 was the worst since the Longhorns went 4-7 under John Mackovic way back in 1997.
Though there are more questions than answers swirling above Austin, it appears highly unlikely (due to talent, speed and continued super-success at recruiting) that Texas will finish the 2011 below the 6-6 mark.
The College Game Day Crew in Los Angeles
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The actual playing of the Rose Bowl seems the only realistic hope of the City of Angels greeting the ESPN College GameDay crew in LA in 2011.
Herbstreit and company setting up the outdoor stage for a UCLA or USC regular season pregame show appears questionable at best.
An Empty Trophy Case in Tallahassee
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Whether it’s a mere ACC Atlantic trophy, the first full-blown ACC title since 2005 or an alluring BCS crystal football, the Seminoles will more than likely adding another bauble to their crown in 2011.
Legends and Leaders Clarity
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Whatever the amount of money the Big Ten Conference paid the marketing firm that selected the division names “Legends” and “Leaders,” it has to be considered money “well-spent.”
Why screw around with North/South, East/West or even Great Lakes/Plains when you can have something as rational as Legends/Leaders?
A few caveats:
What if a Legends team Leads the conference? Do they then become Leaders or just Leaders of the Legends?
What if the Leaders become Legendary by winning Heismans, championships or just getting thrown out of a game for punching somebody in the mouth? Can they be Legendary Leaders?
Can you ever become a Legend without first being a Leader?
And, what if someone from the Leaders division finishes last in the Big Ten? Will they be moved to the Legendary side by not being a Leader?
Again, money well spent.
The Butkus Award in College Station
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Von Miller’s dominant defensive performance in 2010 earned him the Butkus Award, which honors the best linebacker in all of college football.
Not only will Texas A&M be without Miller in 2011, but gone also is fellow linebacker Michael Hodges leaving the Aggies thin at the position.
Really this is the only area where the Aggies lack depth for next season, which means that A&M could possibly bring home some impressive hardware that won’t include the Butkus Award.
West Virginia Leading the Nation in Rushing
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West Virginia finished 2010 ranked only No. 67 nationally in passing yards and No. 50 in rushing yards; don’t expect similar figures in 2011.
New offensive coordinator and coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen (who transformed Oklahoma State’s offense in 2010) will likely have the Mountaineers ranked among the top five teams in the country in passing yards next season.
Boise State Winning the WAC
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The Broncos have won eight WAC titles since joining the conference in 2001. Next season absolutely won’t provide the next jewel in Boise State’s Western Athletic crown, as everyone’s favorite dark horse has ridden off into the Mountain West sunset (at least for now).
A Shoelace Staying in a Pocket
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Regardless of the offensive schemes that Brady Hoke runs in his first season at the helm of the Michigan football program, it doesn’t seem probable that super-athletic Denard Robinson (aka the Shoelace) will be spending much time in the pocket.
Robinson ran for 1,702 yards in 2010, breaking the NCAA record for rushing yards by a quarterback.
The Houston Nutt Statue Unveiling on Any Campus
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Houston Nutt ‘s coaching record is actually fairly impressive: 31-16 at Murray State, 5-6 at Boise State, 75-48 at Arkansas and then 22-16 at Ole Miss since he took over in 2008.
But this is a guy who doesn’t get a lot of love from any party which means permanent on-campus edifices are quite out of the question (at least for now).
Charlie Weis on Dancing with the Stars
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Even though Weis’ new position as the offensive coordinator at Florida will allow him to recoup his stellar bronze tan, this may not be enough for Charlie to get the nod from the Dancing with the Stars selection committee.
I personally relish the idea of Coach Weis in a purple bedazzled leotard.
Cecil Newton at an Auburn Dairy Queen
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You may see the elder Newton all over the country; perhaps in Charlotte, maybe in Atlanta and possibly in New Orleans or Tampa Bay, but Cecil Newton likely won’t be spotted purchasing a dip cone or dilly bar at the Auburn DQ.
A True National Champion
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The self proclaimed “showcase of college football” does indeed put on a lovely rendition of entertainment and no doubt fosters the competitive spirit, but the BCS does not produce a true national championship.
Whatever will one day remedy this tragic fact will not come in time to rescue the 2011 college football season or its trail of tearful teams who won’t compete for a true title.
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