Fantasy Football: My Break-Up with LaDainian Tomlinson

So, LaDainian, thanks for meeting me. I know my message sounded kind of ominous, but I’m glad we can finally talk.

I think we both know what this is about. Who are we kidding? We’ve had a great run together. I remember winning the draft lottery and taking you No. 1 overall in my keeper fantasy league four glorious years ago. We have so many great memories together don’t we?

Remember back in ’06 when you had your four-TD games against St. Louis, Denver, and San Francisco? What a magical year! I practically waltzed to my league title. You’ve been the key cog in all my keeper-league lineups over the years, and I appreciate all your dedication.

Let’s cut through the niceties though. I wanted you to hear this from me: I’m putting you on my trading block. It wouldn’t be right if you heard it from Matt Forte or Adrian Peterson’s owners. I owe that much to you.

We’re two different people now. Neither of us should be blamed for it. I’m looking for a younger, healthier, more consistent running back, and you’re on your last leg as a thoroughbred. I don't want that to hurt you, but it's just reality for me.

You’re old for an NFL running back, LaDainian, and you’re doing what old running backs do. You shuffle through the line instead of exploding through. You’re carrying nagging injuries throughout the entire season, and you’re surly with reporters, like Andrea Kremer, when they question your durability.

Maybe it’s just your toe this week, but next week it will be your arthritic fingers or your dentures will be too tight. I know why you don’t take your helmet off. It’s the liver spots isn’t it?

My point is that this is the natural order of things. You usurped the majestic Priest Holmes for fantasy supremacy, and now it is time for you to pass the torch to the next juggernaut.

C’mon man, don’t cry. This is hard for me, too. You had to see this coming when Norv Turner showed up and began his systematic destruction of the Chargers. Or even when your marble-like lead blocker Lorenzo Neal was let go; don’t act like you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

We can still be friends, can't we? When you have a late season run of a couple of 100+ yard games and multiple TDs, you can count on there being a soft spot in my heart for you (unless I’m playing your owner in which case I’m pulling for six fumbles and a stomach virus) as  I root for my first fantasy love.

This is best for both of us. We can avoid the awkwardness of me continually insulting you to everyone I know about your inability to carry my football team any more and you can settle in to a string of 1,000–1,200-yard seasons with six–10 TDs without my gigantic expectations weighing on you.

Like I said, it’s been a great run. You’ll always be the first running back I ever loved. I wish you nothing but the best (again, unless you are playing me). Let’s hug it out. I can't stay long though. I have a date with Darren Sproles later tonight.