The Count Vs. The Crippler: A Comprehensive Preview Of UFC 89

     Before we get started, an important note: since UFC 90 has been dilapidated by injuries, I updated my preview just for you, the reader. Check it out. Go ahead. I'll wait. Seriously, don't make me use my sick crossbow skills.

Back? OK, now you're probably wondering to yourself ... 

     ... why did I do a UFC 90 preview before a UFC 89 preview? Because I'm an idiot. Theres' really no other reason. Actually, heres' one: UFC 89 looks dreadful. That being said, it will probably be a great card. It's just that it's tough to pump yourself up to write about a Per Eklund-Sammy Schiavo match-up, thats' all. Bear with me here. Some fights are like the vibes at your average 2008 Lions' home game: just no hope whatsoever and a 60-70% percent chance of prolonged booing (if this fight happened in America I'd raise that number to 100%).

       Wait, what on earth am I talking about? I'm supposed to be getting you fired up for October 18th. I'm sorry for writing such a depressing paragraph. UFC 89 is going to be riveting! I can't wait! YES, WE CAN!!

(There, was that better?)

Per Eklund (13-3) vs. Sammy Schiavo (10-5)

       I'm not even going to pretend that I know what's going to happen here. I know that Schiavo throws some aesthetically pleasing strikes on his feet, and is good at getting taken down and punched in the face. I also know that Eklund is a Swedish fighter who may or may not have a pulse. Your guess is as good as mine, but give me the guy who is definitely awake. Schiavo by second round TKO.

Terry Etim (10-2) vs. Sam Stout (13-4)

       But seriously, imagine having money on Terry Etim? It'd be like letting your girlfriend go to Blockbuster to rent a movie, then waking up from your nap, going into the living room, and seeing the words "Directed by Michael Bay" flash across the screen. Just a sinking feeling. He looks like he has to eat a small child just to make it UP to 155 pounds; even Ray Bolger wasn't this much of a scarecrow.

     Both are technically solid strikers, but Stout has a cool Canadian accent, probably drinks Molson, and hits harder. Stout by decision.

Jess Liaudin (12-10) vs. David Bielkheden (12-6)

      Liaudin throws crowd pleasing kicks and punches, but his relaxed posture always makes him a threat to be looking Jesus face-to-face at any given time. Journeyman David Bielkheden has lost to guys named "Arben", "Shiko", and "Ryuta". He has very few discernable MMA skills; he looks more like an extra in a Guy Ritchie movie. He's also the runaway favorite to win this UFC's Jeremy Horn Memorial "Bad Body Language" Award. In short, there isn't a single reason to take Bielkheden in this fight. Not one. Liaudin will TKO Davey in lopsided fashion; hope they don't find him in his garage with the car running after he's humiliated on free TV.

Jim Miller (11-1) vs. David Baron (16-2)

       In a battle of UFC newcomers, David Baron takes on Jim "not the drunken former Bears' QB with bad facial hair" Miller. Baron is coming off an upset win over Japanese enigma Hayato Sakurai, while Miller comes in having defeated Bart Palaszewski via unanimous decision in April. Of their 27 combined wins, 18 of them have come by way of submission. With those facts in hand, I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that this fight ends in a submission. Thats why I make the big bucks. Jim Miller is winning this one.

Dan Hardy (19-6) vs. Akihiro Gono (28-12-7)

       Get ready for Joe Rogan to channel his inner Tommy Heinsohn and openly root for one of the two combatants. Which one? Rogan spent much of Gono's fight with Tamdan "The Bean Pole" McCrory yammering about how Gono was throwing karate-style kicks, which weren't "doing as much damage" as muay thai kicks. He then completely downplayed Gono's eventual left hook, armbar (only one of the most brutal armbars in recent memory) combo, calling it like someone had just told him what the relative humidity was.

     On the other hand, Rogan has trained with Dan Hardy. He LOVES Dan Hardy. Soon, the whole world will know it. And you will hate Hardy because of this. You will.

      This is a dumb matchup by Joe Silva. People continue to underrate Gono. He's like DeNiro in "Midnight Run"; He's always tough, he makes you laugh out loud from time to time, people always think they can easily run through him (just watch his fight with Hector Lombard), and his performances always require multiple viewings to truly appreciate his craft. In case you haven't figured out who I'm taking yet, check it out! Akihiro Gono updated his blog:   

10/3/2008: "I took a picture wearing sunglasses like Will Smith in my room and holding 2 DVDs, which are my favorite “BAD BOYS” and “BAD BOYS 2BAD”

Before going to England, I need to train my ear by listening to English; therefore, I'm listening one in my room and another in my car. I'm always reciting his lines. I want to see Will Smith someday..."

Seriously, you expect me to take Hardy after reading that? Gono by rear naked choke, round two.

Neil Wain (4-0) vs. Shane Carwin (9-0)

         I'm fond of Carwin. He's a juggernaut when it comes to wrestling, he hits like a train and he sounds like a D & D nerd when he talks. This is good for the sport.

          He takes on British newcomer Neil Wain, who has been a rumored UFC participant for what seems like at least a year. I'm gleefully riding this Carwin bandwagon until the inevitable collision with the Cain Velasquez War Buggy. By the way, there are plenty of seats left! All kinds of room! All aboard the Shane Wagon! Carwin by KO midway through the first.

Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou (5-2) vs. Luiz Cane (8-1)

        Remember when Sokoudjou was "The Next Big Thing"? He reeled off consecutive upset victories, including the single biggest upset in gambling history against Little Nogueira (a 1,600 point underdog!). Then the UFC bought PRIDE, and the African Assassin abruptly got lost in the Grand Canyon-deep light heavyweight division. He showed weakness in his ground skills against Lyoto Machida. Luckily for him, Cane likes to keep it standing and fight like he's triple parked. This fight is a good litmus test for both guys; we'll know alot more about both of them after it's over. For some reason, I think Soko makes his presence felt in the UFC here and wallops Cane out of there with some African magic late in the first round. Sokoudjou by TKO.

Brandon Vera (9-2) vs. Keith Jardine (13-4)

        This was one of those match-ups that left me literally speechless when I heard about it. "The Lie", as I like to call him, stinks and looks drawn out at 205. Too much happened too soon with him; he makes WAY too much money. He last "fought" Reese Andy, and that "tussle" was about as exciting as watching the original "Ben Hur" all the way through without the aid of hallucinogens. However, he also stinks as an undersized heavyweight. Isn't he versatile?

        Which brings us to Keith Jardine. At this point, I have no idea what to think of him. He's a human roller coaster ride. On some nights, when he starts landing leg and body kicks early, you know he's got it going. He's one of those guys where you know right away if he has it. In his last fight, he didn't have it. Against Wanderlei Silva, he threw what was quite possibly, considering the circumstances, one of the most ill-advised leg kicks in the history of fighting that didn't involve Chuck Norris. Wand knew what to do from there, finishing off the Dean of Mean with several brutal right hands, some landing flush after Jardine was already out. And to think, I was actually worried for Wand before the fight. As he lay unconscious for nearly 4 minutes, I thought to myself "Wow, remind me to never wager on a Keith Jardine fight. I mean, EVER".

        I predict that these two will dance around like Gregory Hines for the first round. As the fight wears on, I expect Jardine to land with more frequency and tire Vera out. Of course, I could also see Vera turning it into a blanket festival on the ground with his superior grappling skills. You never know, but I'll say Jardine takes this one by an uninspiring split decision.

Marcus Davis (14-4) vs. Paul Kelly (7-0)

        That Marcus Davis-Mike Swick bout humbled the hell out of me. I mean, here I was, thinking that I knew a freaking thing about fighting, even glaring confidently at my buddies and going "Davis wins this fight easy" ... and then the abortion of a fight that ensued hit me harder than Dustin Diamond challenging the black "Celebrity Fit Club" host to a "UFC fight" and getting comically dressed down. I did NOT see this coming. I will never, NEVER understand why Davis allowed himself to be repeatedly taken down and "GnP"'d by the nimble Swick. Why didn't he push the pace when he was on his feet? Where were the sweeps?!? I mean, it's Mike Swick! The guy is built like the lead singer of a crappy emo band! Arrrrgh!! Are you kidding me?

(My point? I no longer trust Davis even remotely. Take the wrestler. Kelly by decision.)

Paul Taylor (9-3) vs. Chris Lytle (25-16-5)

        I'm a big fan of Chris Lytle. He's one of those guys who repeatedly comes up just short of doing something awesome and memorable. But he's a tough guy not to like; hard-working, midwestern fire fighter, all around amiable guy and as grizzled as Jack Palance. However, because of this, I always think irrationally about him. For example, after his feverish massacre of Kyle Bradley, I completely brainwashed myself into thinking he would beat Koscheck. You should have heard me. "I mean, what in the hell has gotten into Chris Lytle?? I've never seen him fight with fire up his ass like this. He's hungry. It's his time". I should have just rammed my finger down my throat.

        Taylor is no slouch on his feet either, and I think our "UFC warriors" will slug it out for a round or two before Lights Out utilizes his superior ground skills and locks up a tap inducing armbar midway through the third round.

Chris Leben (18-4) vs. Michael Bisping (16-1) 

      Oh man. Where the hell do I start? How about by saying "Michael Bisping is the most overrated fighter in MMA"? How does that sound? Great. I'm glad you liked it. He really is though. Would I lie to you? Allow me to get onto my high horse for a second.

*AHEM*

      Bisping has a crappy attitude. The mere sound of his voice inspires violence in the depths of my very soul. He's like Fran Drescher or the British Renzo Gracie in this respect. Also, if you had to pick an adjective to describe his standup, it would definitely be "jittery". Nick Diaz and Bisping should get together and stage the "World Pitter Pattering Championships". His status with the British fans is why he keeps headlining these cards. I promise you, it isn't because he is even remotely good. He's alright off of his back, but he finds himself there alot because a stiff breeze would blow him over. Basically, he's a middleweight version of Terry Etim with no reach.

         On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, Chris Leben has quietly reeled off a couple of gutty wins recently. Ever since he lost to Anderson Silva, he seems to actually have some perspective about fighting. It's crazy. It's insane. It's inexplicable. But getting demolished by Ando Silva on free TV was the best thing that could have ever happened to him. On the "Guys Who I've Done A Complete 180 On" List, Leben ranks right up there with Kevin Randleman, Tom Cruise and David Copperfield. Believe me, I couldn't STAND Leben. He acted like such an miserable clown (which he may still be, but never in the ring) and seldom backed up his tough guy talk. I whole-heartedly believe in a "reborn" Leben or whatever you want to call it. And since I don't know how to wrap this up, I'll end it with a Leben quote. 

"I've said it before.  The only thing cooler than making 20,000 people scream at once is making them all shut up.  That's going to be a nice feeling when I knock Bisping out and that whole arena is dead, stone quiet." - 

(Thats right ... Chris Leben said it best. Start stockpiling plywood and canned goods. Leben by TKO.)