Grilling the Tuna: Dallas, Cowboys Say Goodbye to Bill Parcells

As much time and energy and money and tears as the city has invested in him over the last four years, for Parcells to announce his retirement without a press conference...and then do an explanatory interview with his Mike-and-the-Mad-Dog cronies on The Fan in New York...
The Tuna's a sorry SUMBITCH.

He doesn't give Dallas so much as a word, but the first chance he gets, he goes on the air with some ass-kissing East Coast jerkoffs and decides to gush?

Typical Parcells: nothing but unjustified arrogance.

He may not owe anything to the Dallas media, but the coach owes plenty to all those Cowboys fans who've been riding a wave of false hope since his hiring. The city of Dallas LIVES and DIES with its football team, and in the last four years Parcells has brought nothing but CONSTANT DISAPPOINTMENT.

You'd think 20 million dollars would at least buy you a goodbye.

And look, I'm not saying, like some stuck-in-the-90s Cowboys fans, that it had to be Super Bowl-or-Bust with Parcells. What I AM saying is that I expected, as did EVERYONE else in the country, that the Cowboys would at least be able to advance past the first round of the playoffs. It's depressing to admit, but after a ten-year postseason drought just winning a game in January would have been a huge accomplishment.

But Parcells couldn't even do that, not even this year, when his squad was CLEARLY one of the better teams in a weak NFC.

The only constant in Parcells' Dallas tenure was his distressing inability to build momentum with December wins. His December record in the last four years?

8-10.

And it was never more frustrating than in 2006.

At the beginning of December, the Cowboys were leading their division and were in line for the second seed in the NFC playoffs. They responded by finishing the season 2-4, a record that included blowout losses at home to the Saints and the Eagles and, of course, the gut-wrenching defeat at the hands of a Seattle team whose secondary had been on the street the week before. And yes, we all know about Tony Romo...but the fact remains that the Cowboys wouldn't have NEEDED a game-winning field goal if Parcells had been smart enough to attack the Seahawks on the outside.

If Parcells had ANY class at all, he would've held a Dallas press conference as a simple act of courtesy. As it is, he comes off looking no better than Terrell 'Baby Drop' Owens, because it's obvious that Bill Parcells doesn't give a damn about anyone other than Bill Parcells.

I've followed the Cowboys passionately for years now, and I've seen my share of highs and lows...but I'll have a hard time remembering the Parcells Era as anything other than an utter failure. The man couldn't win a single goddamn playoff game in four years...in a mediocre-to-poor NFC...and he had ALL the control.

In 2003, Jerry Jones swallowed his pride and supposedly hired a FOOTBALL MAN to run his team. What he got was a dour, temperamental prima donna who tried to coast on his reputation as a two-time Super Bowl champion. Parcells brought in ALL of his has-been players (Vinny Testa-interception-verde... going once...going twice...), wasted draft picks (Jacob Rogers or Stephen Peterman, anyone?), and changed the defense from a 4-3 to a 3-4 when he DIDN'T HAVE THE PERSONNEL TO PULL IT OFF.

To put it simply, Parcells got a carte blanche to run the franchise.

And how many playoffs wins did that yield?

ZERO.

Let's be honest here: Were it not for Scott Norwood's infamous wide-right in Super Bowl XXV, Parcells would only have one Super Bowl to his credit. Would he still be considered a lock for the Hall of Fame?

Absolutely not.

Do names like Tom Flores, Jimmy Johnson, or George Seifert ring any bells?

They should, those men, like Parcells, have won two Super Bowls.

And they aren't in the Hall.

I propose that Parcells' failure in Dallas should jeopardize his locked-in Canton status. In a perfect world, his career would be scrutinized MUCH more heavily...but of course that would require the East Coast media to stop giving the guy a free pass for the success he had with the Giants, Jets, and Patriots.

(And by the way, not everyone would call the Patriots' Super Bowl loss to the Packers and the Jets' AFC Championship Game loss to the Broncos 'success.')

If nothing else, though, Parcells showed his true colors this week, proving once and for all that he doesn't care about the fans or city of Dallas. Former Giants GM George Young may have had it right when he called the coach the most 'duplicitous' person he had EVER met, Super Bowl titles be damned. The Cowboys got fooled for four years, but at least it's not too late to give the Tuna exactly what he deserves:

So long, Bill... don't let the door hit your fat, two-faced ass on the way out. And don't stick around trying to help Jerry Jones find your successor; just get the hell out of town while you've still got the chance.

Dallas isn't going to miss you.