Big 12 Teams as Cult Movie Classics

Your favorite contract fan is back! In this installment, Mackey compares the Big 12 to cult classic movies. Everyone feels a tie to that favorite movie that no one else has ever seen or heard of, much like the collegiate football fan.

TEXAS – A CLOCKWORK ORANGE

The burnt orange really is a good color for the angry mob and prison-bound fans and players of UT. The locker room is just like the movie: littered with rape, drugs, psychopathic behavior, and a plotline that makes no sense. Earl Campbell, Ricky Williams, Cedric Benson, and Vince Young—This pedigree of Heisman and Award-winning nutcases are about as physiologically stable as Sleezy’s ex-wife.

KANSAS – AIRHEADS

A band known as the Lone Rangers hijacks a radio station and takes the airwaves hostage to have their demo tape recorded, having aspirations of a No. 1 hit. This movie is littered with self-righteous posers and delusions of grandeur, just like kU Football. Kansas took the Big 12 by storm last year, but crumbled like the burnt cookie they are when they played a team with real BCS talent. The funniest moment in the movie comes when the Lone Rangers discover the baddest DJ on the air, Ian the Shark, is short and fat—just like our own big time DJ, Big Head. What a disappointment.

COLORADO – RUDY

It’s hard not to pull for the undersized, underdog, feel-good story that gets us all pumped up and ready to whoop even Ivan Drago’s ass. It’s a feel-good story that makes you believe that any team, at any time can take it all the way to the Rose Bowl and trot off into the sunset victorious on the field of battle.

But the BCS does one thing right, and that keeps no talent ass clowns out of the big games. No matter what the story may be for Colorado this year, in the end the undersized, underweight, red-headed ginger-kid stepchild of the B12 will get red-assed like the problem children they are.

KANSAS STATE – THE BIG LEBOWSKI

Nothing says domination like a purple-suited John Turturro letting you know that “Nobody’s fucks with the Jesus.” This piece of classic cinema is peppered with idiotic characters, drug infused dream sequences, and downright ridiculous dialogue. Between you and me, I’m getting tired of Sean McDonough over at ESPN giving this team a pass as re-building. Shut the fuck up, Donnie! K-State isn’t the rug that pulls the Big 12 together; they’re nihilists who don’t believe in anything, just like winning football games.

OKLAHOMA STATE – NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

Zombies are terrifying, when you’re six! If you have two working legs, a pistol, shovel, tire iron, or anything that has more reach than a pair of outstretched arms, you can whoop a zombie’s ass. Every now and then a zombie makes a statement and eats a slow fat kid alive. But they falter when they have to face someone with a clear cut advantage, like someone with a brain or a soul. I don’t care who “The Man” is on campus up there, this team is a bunch of deadbeats.

TEXAS TECH – RED DAWN

Crabtree could probably give Swayze a run for his money as the only other man that could take on the whole of the red army in rural America. Yeah, Swayze was bad ass, and we all remember the helicopters, and football players hiding in the woods with hunting rifles. But you only talk about Red Dawn when you hear someone else mention it. This movie was terrible, and you know it. Every now and then you yell WOLVERINES, just to show that you have a sense of cult classic culture, but you really hate this movie, and wish the rest of the world did too. Remember when Robert gets gunned down in a hailstorm of bullets? That’s what Tech is going to look like in the BCS this year. Just like everything else in Sleezy's life, they will come up a bit short.

OKLAHOMA – THE BOONDOCK SAINTS

Ever gotten into a fight defending a movie you love? Ever lose a friend over it? The Boondock Saints' fans have. Two Irish brothers kill bad guys. How is this best movie ever made? Oklahoma fans think their team is some sort of robot hybrid of USC and the old Notre Dame, before Charlie Weis had cheeseburgers hidden in the equipment bag. But we all know that Oklahoma is just another product of a poor schedule. You beat TCU, lah-di-freaking-da! That doesn’t make you the next great collegiate dynasty. The Boondock Saints is a great movie, and the Sooners have an outstanding team, but just because your fans usually are a bunch angry loudmouths, and the media is lapping like dogs that haven’t been fed in six months doesn’t make you the best ever. Get over it!

MIZZOU – PULP FICTION

Mizzou’s offense can strike you down with great vengeance and furious anger if the defense doesn’t do something stupid. This team has tasted the BCS, and hungers for another Big Kahuna Burger that will take them to top of the polls. This team is just like Pulp Fiction—a flash in the pan that no one could have seen coming. You can’t deny it; you love watching Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega bring the heat and explain the complexities of ordering McDonald’s with the metric system. And you love watching Chase Daniel throw deep to Jeremy Maclin. I assure you though, this is no one-year wonder. The Big 12 can hate, but ask any coach if he wants to play MIZZOU right now. I doubt it.

TEXAS A&M – THE LOST BOYS

Teenage Vampires, a girl named Star, and a rebel cast of unruly misfits...sounds like kick ass fans to me—much like the Lost Boys was more about sex in the 80’s than vampires. However, if you haven’t been to this part of Texas, or had some sort of tie to the Aggies, you just don’t care.

NEBRASKA – WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

There’s a proverbial line in the sand where fanatics meet reality with a dead sounding thud. Telling someone that you loved the oompa loompas? That used to be cute, now it’s just freaky. They are some scary-ass midgets. This movie has history—albeit history that many wish to forget. Nebraska used to be the gold standard that teams were measured up to, just as Gene Wilder used to be the comedian that brought families together. But Nebraska is losing their teeth and Gene Wilder looks like a child molester. Times are changing, and Nebraska is going into the discount bin.

IOWA STATE – GHOST DOG: THE WAY OF THE SAMURAI

You ever heard of Ghost Dog? That’s what the rest of the Big 12 thinks of when they play Iowa State. The film is loaded with dragged-out slow driving scenes that make you fall asleep, a plot line with bigger holes than what's in my underwear, and a best friend that speaks another language. Sound like the Clones' offense yet?

BAYLOR – The Rocky Horror Picture Show

If you pull for the Bears, you're either from Baylor or gay! I have no idea why men in tights and lingerie dress up for a musical. In this fictional world turned upside down where anything goes, transvestites and transsexuals have a cult following that you can’t even begin to understand. That makes no sense to me! Just like I’ll never understand how Baylor fills its own stadium or fits in the Big 12.