Vanderbilt: We Must Stop This Madness!

OK guys, quiet down, let's get started.

I want to thank everyone for coming; we have a lot to cover.

We must stop this madness of winning football games.

Has everyone forgotten that we are Vanderbilt, the smallest school in the SEC?

Our main focus is not athletics, it's education. We do not play football to upset our opponents. Our sole purpose is to ensure the other 11 teams have someone to win against every year.

Did you guys not get the memo at training camp?  SEC stands for “Schools Eating Commodores”, not the other way around.

Let me put things in perspective here.

Saturday we beat Auburn, a perennial powerhouse in the SEC. This team has an athletic budget that rivals a small city. We are a private school; our athletic budget is more like what each of you spend at the Laundromat every week.

We pride ourselves on being the only school to offer eyeglass maintenance courses for freshman students.

I know, we also beat the Gamecocks, on the road, but Carolina is where coaches go to retire, not play football.

The last time we were 5-0 there was a world war going on. Pennies were made of steel instead of copper. My God, Joe Paterno was still in high school!

This madness must come to an end.

We have back-to-back away games against Mississippi State and then Georgia. We are no match for the Bulldogs; those guys bench press Yugos before each game.

This would be the best time to stop all this madness and return to our normal losing ways. Our school is not equipped to handle all this success.

If it continues, the NCAA could easily re-align the conferences and replace us with Notre Dame. Do you guys want that on your conscience?

Just in case Georgia is having an off week, the staff has figured out how to help offset the advantage.

First, we will return to X’s and O’s for play explanation. This should help opposing teams to understand our plays better. Binary code will no longer be used.

Second, from now on the quarterback cannot use medical terminology for the count. This confuses the defense and puts them at a disadvantage. Hike one, hike two, or hike three are his only options.

Third, the defense will no longer rely on the calculus team to figure the statistical odds of success of each offensive play. This puts an opposing team’s offense at a disadvantage if they run a play more than once in a game.

I know the last five games have been a whirlwind, so take the rest of the week off, get some rest, and occupy your minds with things other than football.

Put your heads together and invent something, or save a Third World country, or even better, figure out how Ohio State can beat Florida. All of these are accomplishments much more noble than some football championship.

This charade will soon be over and we can all return to normal life.

Besides, Jostens has already said there is no way they can make gold championship pocket protectors for the whole team. No way.