A Biased, Opinionated, & Unofficial Guide To This Week's Top Games

Honestly, this weekend's games are about as awful as watching Ohio State play in the National Title, but here are my picks:

Rutgers vs. West Virginia

I'm going with the University of New York: New Jersey Campus in this one.  Rutgers, though they have fallen backwards a little, appears to have the edge on this one.  West Virginia made a less than stellar transition after losing Rich Rodriguez.  The sad thing is that it's the same system!  I guess it is the edumacation state, though. 

Even though Rutgers wins, the writers in New York will still love USC better, not the faux-Ivy League sounding Scarlet Knights.

Indiana v. Minnesota

I'm going to go out on a limb and pick Indiana, they're not awful, but they're not average either.  Minnesota, on the other hand, has a coach who is really loud with an inferiority complex.  He sounds a lot like Ed Orgeron.  We see how that worked at Ole Miss. 

I guess if I lost every piece of talent that comes out of Cretin-Derham to the Irish, I would be a little crazy, too.

Michigan State vs. Iowa

Javon Ringer is on my fantasy NFL football team THIS year.  He is THAT good.  Good luck bringing him down, Iowa.  Then, there is the problem of the supporting cast.  While you are focusing on Javon, look behind you to the endzone, because it's going to be Touchdown Spartans.  You didn't even see the playaction did you?  Be honest. 

"Doing less with more."  I think it's Ferentz's motto.  Is this heaven?  No, it's Iowa, and Ringer just ran for 230.

Notre Dame vs. Stanford

Well, Jimmy cracked corn and cut his hair.  Maybe the hair was holding him back, because he unleashed himself on Purdue.  While I like Harbaugh, because he is ten times the Michigan man Mike Hart will ever be, Stanford doesn't have the horses.  Did you see that flash?  I couldn't tell if it was Golden Tate, Armando Allen, or Michael Floyd running past you.  All I know is that six more points went up on the scoreboard.

Auburn vs. Vandy

Well, nobody attends the Vanderbilt games, so there shouldn't be any home field advantage.  Auburn's coming off a crushing victory against an awful Tennessee team, and by crushing, I mean not so much... 

I don't think Auburn escapes Tennessee without a loss.  Despite the talent disparity, Auburn gets outschemed, because they are still trying to figure out whether they are war eagles or tigers.  Which one is scarier?  I don't know, but you better stop that Vandy attack.

Illinois vs. Michigan

Bring the noise!  Illinois!  Dude, the "s" is silent.  On the legs of a kid who runs like a Clausen—High knees and unathletic—Michigan loses to the Juice.  Didn't the gummy bears have some juice they would drink so they were "bouncing here and there and everywhere"? 

Maybe Juice Williams has found it, because he's a pretty shifty fella.  Anyway, Michigan continues a woeful season getting trounced by 35.  I wish I could be a Michigan man this year...  Wait...  I was Irish last year.  3 and 9 represent!

Ohio St v. Wisconsin

Dude, Ohio State, I didn't know you still had a team.  Shouldn't you have disbanded after the last two national title games?  Oh, I get it, you're trying to be the Buffalo Bills of College Football.  Hey, whatever works for you. 

As far as Wisconsin is concerned, how in the world did you lose to Michigan?  Put...  the cheese...  DOWN!  My prediction?  The earth opens up and swallows both teams and will spit them out when next season rolls around.

Alabama v. Kentucky

Roll Tide.  I won $20 bucks taking Bama straight up last week.  They are THAT good.  Saban's a great coach.  If you doubt him, you are making a large mistake, my friend.  I don't care how good Kentucky thinks its offense might be, Alabama crushes them.  Saban doesn't have let down games, either, so don't use that excuse.  There is nothing else to do in Tuscaloosa except to practice and play football.

Oregon v. USC

This is my game of the week.  Goonies never say die!  Trojans say Fight On!  What's that about.  I hope they remember that Troy fell to the Greeks and...  The Beavers.  Don't look for a typical USC blowout. 

USC has a difficult time defeating the spread, and the Goonies, I mean Ducks bring plenty of the spread to town.  Oregon wins this one in a close one.  Quack, Quack, Quack...  To steal a quote from Mighty Ducks, "It's not worth winning if you can't win big!"  C'mon ducks!

Well, Happy Tailgating, everyone!!!  Hopefully, you didn't get too offended at the picks!